Suspended in a blanket

 

31 January 2022
12:18pm

Well I have feelings.

Untethered.
That's how I feel from time to time.
And visually, it translates to floating submerged in water.
I am floating. Like in space. Outside earth's gravity. Across is the Milky Way and others like it. Unlike me.
Only I'm not. I float across all this space, not separately from earth. Gravity, which I am blaming for bringing me down——pulls me to blanket me within earth's protection and comfort.

1:04pm
The desire to cry comes and passes.
I am a human being not a human doing. But I cannot be without doing.
So at this point when I am indecisive about who I want to be and who I am, one persists. My curiosity. I will live to savor.
I will put myself first and this day is quite a challenge to not deny myself.

8:16pm
Just got home to find my clothes squished together on the clothesline. Dishes stacked on the sink. Unprepared for tomorrow's vacation. Lively Korean boys singing on my left ear. I feel pathetic. Hopeless. Life is meaningless isn't it?
How I use time and space is essentially my life. I extinguish it finishing a report no one would read for the pride of a job well done. For wading through tediousness. To come home to chores I no longer have energy to tackle.
Not even half of what Vishie endures. Strong young one, that ready-to-be-a-bride woman.
I rarely felt as shaken as I am. Rarely as that was ny first. There was a pulling of soul from body all horizontal lines astreak. Soul and body holding each end. (Not the soul float dissociation depicted in manga and anime.) Everything is in flux. I have no structure. I am floating in outerspace but I am on earth. Like I am torn into becoming one apart from another, constantly changing as Aurora's gown does at the end of Sleeping Beauty.
I am starting to accept the variability of my emotions. Yes I am childish, but I will be responsible for it, accepting the repercussions and consequences of my childishness. Like the character sketch I've been reading lately, he is selfish. Selfish to the point of wanting to keep someone badly. Regardless of how he feels, as long as his standards of keeping her are met. Essentially, he wants her to want him as badly, he'd fight against wanting her. Ironic honesty. Must be the boost from the vitamins that I have these thoughts.

8:32pm
Set my writing time to 5 minutes. Missed that to poop instead. I don't feel as bad anymore.

9:27pm
This is the only time my mind's been noisy playing Axie Infinity like a sports commentator, supposing moves and chastising impulse decisions that should've been better. I am actively playing the game! There's drudgery for the time I have to spend, but as the Ecclesiastes 9 interpretation pushed me to arrive at, toil is not for exhaustion, nor vanity (as I usually subscribe to); it's about who I'm becoming in this cosmos and how I work as its free standing cog.
Like how, in going to work later than I could, I spent more time with my sister, finishing chores to ease her. Walking late, I came upon that old lady who made my day a "Good morning" with her greeting that I returned today with her open laugh showing her toothless gums for change. To come across a woman who worked at the same place, share a ride (and the fare) and, whom I feel strongly as a flatmate candidate. Laughing freely the entire morning, in between unintentionally sharing farts, clamoring on non-tallying figures and enjoying ketchup. Then feeling vulnerable and at peace with my socks down to rub acetone on my toes.  I am who I am according to how I use time and space. Realizing I was way too excited on the prospect of a locker which could not fit my bag and interminably disgruntled by accidentally deleting Chrome with Play Store following shortly in an attempt to salvage the first. Reviving unwarranted gifts and grace: gimbap, Tin's viand, Joy's tortang talong, Queency's hug (She's averse to displays of affection or probably bec it's me), M. Bel's chocolate, Cheley's engraving of my mug which I really wanted to post strongly on some moments as well as gratitude for playlists I was given privy to: Pia's, Kat's, Lianne's and Cheley's (all with my urging).

10:57pm
I have to be me. Embrace that I am gray and will dwell in a shade between black and white that resonates with me most. Or that I would be in swatches. It came to me that the polarities attained by my emotions today with such abrupt cohesiveness seem manic-depressive/obssessive. I will be me.
My neighbor has a great playlist to end the year. Very nostalgic. From the tuduttuduttudut of Dawson's Creek theme to this is how we feel, this is how we breathe.
Hopeless. A foreign feeling. Much like love whose edges I have brushed. It's less evasive to define it. Eclessiastes made me deduce, hopelessness is good. For me. Because the living identifies it. The dead cannot. I want to transition while I write.
Jonathan Van Ness on season 6, episode 1 of Queer Eye said their client was afraid to age. While I keep wondering about death, it's aging that stumps me. I can't even act my age. He said (or I thought so) that we should live our truths as it is, however flawed, or we are in shame of how we have arrived where we are.

Sam, I told you I would follow your suggestions now, but that you should extend your patience, because I would resist, and that is prickly.

Just a hodge-podge of other people I met along the way. A carefree child. Oh how I whine. When I heard myself laugh earlier, and as openly and frequently, it sounded like it wasn't mine. Like something I borrowed for the time being, from the me that was kind and unconscious of having fun when she was so mired in it. I could not be like Vishie, for how spectacular she is, I cannot be her, or be like her because I truly want to be me. To not blend in only because it's logical and expected. I want to agree because I find it fun. Like that voice. That female voice that felt like I was being supported by my shoulders. It was distinct from the other one, which was voiceless. Voiceless and genderless proclamations I hear like words but I felt I read. They are nothing and everything. Demanding and exacting. Not cruel but whose proverbial noses are upturned. Unlike this female voice. It is female. But I am certain the person it belongs to is male. And I see a tree, a little glittery, with shimmers like eyeshadow. Red are its leaves, like autumn. They're brittle but gunky. That voice is from that tree. Unlike those formless voices that are not one but are.
Should be packing for tomorrow's trip and packing. Yes.

Encanto enchantment

 

20 January 2022

Lamentations 4 is today's reading. I feel for Jeremiah, that he knows it is within God's rights to pillage Israel while also suffering for his people. Same, I understand that the dynamics among people is complex. It is pressure from above, outside and within. We cannot change people, only influence them. And I fully suspend myself from imposing my will on others.

Because the situation is no longer favorable for her and she can't take it anymore, she'll leave. It is sad. And she gave me a notepad with my caricature and my name on it. I told her I feel like I'm ripe grapes, plucked and treaded on. I wish those who tread on me would be pricked by thorns, only, I'm grapes, not a thorn. She said, How could you take it. I thought, "The way I do."

Also, I received my first ever name stamper with my professional license in it yesterday. Should've made me happy. It was an empty gesture. I preferred the old lady greeting me out of the blue. When to another, her yesterday revolved around it, becrying how her years of service was invalidated because she was not given one. Thought I was not a judgmental character, and here I am seeing that as totally petty.

I would be remiss if I don't discuss Encanto. It was how I celebrated 2022. While children were jumping to get taller (which I did until I became 30), I was huddled in bed next to Sam bawling to Encanto, welcoming the year with puffy eyelids and a swollen nose.

For the month, I've been listening to the soundtrack with Surface Pressure on my top list. It's really catchy and boppy techno music to describe the burden of expectations.

Vishie told me that she prefers What Else Can I Do? At first, I was already defending Surface Pressure in my mind. Hearing more of it, I realized she related to it not because she feels herself perfect as Isabel, but because she resonates with the following lines:
It's not symmetrical or perfect
But it's beautiful and it's mine

What could I do if I just grew what I was feelin' in the moment?
(Do you know where you're going? Whoa)
What could I do if I just knew it didn't need to be perfect?
It just needed to be? And they'd let me be?

I wanna feel the shiver of something new
I'm so sick of pretty, I want something true, don't you?

What can you do when you are deeply, madly, truly in the moment?
(Seize the moment, keep goin')
What can you do when you know who you wanna be is imperfect?
But I'll still be okay
Hey, everybody clear the way, woo

As I told Lianne when she asked if I watched Encanto followed by if I watched Brooklyn Nine Nine, I said, "Stephanie Diaz, right?" mixing up the actress' given name and B99 character surname.

Encanto was tempered in a manner that the protagonist excels at being a support figure, making everyone else shine.

My sister told me that Felix Madrigal is hailed as an underrated character, providing stability to a rather nebulous and dangerous Pepa who is a kid-friendly version of Storm.

Fairy Tales are majorly a reflection of a male worldview

16 January 2022

I do not take what I am unwilling to give.

18 January 2022

Brokilon. Ushering myself to the waking world, that was my thought as I bathed. And I thought it pertained to an old document, maybe in the Bible. It's not. It's a fictional forest. From The Witcher.

It's indisputable that Disney has monopolized the fairytale industry, their versions are globally mainstream. This way, Disney single-handedly influenced women's societal perceptions of themselves and their place in it, with an emphasis on prince saves princess and they live happily ever after niche.

If this is to be believed, young girls are trained to accept during their formative years that they are to be kind and friendly to animals, know and complete house chores, be pretty, and to be swept off their feet by the first man who pays them interest so that eventually they will be together to fulfill their ever after.

This overgeneralization has been laid on many times over and over with the same formula where princess meets prince then they end up together. Shockingly, until I watched one show that said all the narratives were male creations until Frozen came out, I did not realize that the characteristics and actions of the princesses, as well as the equivalent characterizations for their princes, are male constructs imposed on pliable minds in the guise of entertainment.

Personally, I always thought Cinderella was kind. A re-watch showed me that she was not an above reproach fictional character with how snarky she got with her stepmom and sisters behind their backs.

So it goes to fascinate me that that's how men think women should be: good-natured, friendly to everyone, willing to do housechores by themselves, beautiful and graceful all the time (Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Belle) as opposed to the villainous females who were in power, vain, ambitious, controlling, scheming, and lazy when it comes to housechores (Cinderella's stepfamily, Snow White's stepmom and Ursula). There was more leeway with Ariel's portrayal, making her a more independent-thinking and risk-taking go-getter which I attribute to creator's humor on being half-fish. But they all needed saving as Wreck-It-Ralph summarized.

And this is the ideal man portrayed in fairytales: handsome and pays attention to the princess (as if those are enough). Mortifyingly, they are all presented as wealthy males (yes, including Aladdin. Definitely excluding the new gen fairytales from Tangled onwards. Mulan and Pocahontas do not count, they are based on actual people and are presented with a figment of a comparable life story). A bit of determination and will (Cinderella's Prince Charming) and bravery and fighting skills (Aurora's Prince Philip, Prince Eric and Aladdin who resemble each other) were presumed characteristics too with the exception of Prince Florian (nothing note-worthy in the Disney version but at least he has a name. More like necrophiliac tendencies if that would be of merit. Hey, Charming could be a name too! After all he's the only prince addressed that way).

Little boys would grow up thinking the women they should be with are pretty, domestic, submissive and from the outset, need saving and would easily accept their suit as long as they show interest and brandish bravery, not to mention be handsome and rich.

How could I make this read humorously? It still sounds preachy, not sarcastically funny.

My Fair Lady

07 January 2022

Steam is water's ghost. An infantile notion, is it not?

08 January 2022
Promised to write a review on My Fair Lady.

12 January 2022
Cultural references I had for this film were Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and La La Land where Eliza Doolitle was schooled on being a proper lady. (Yeah no required school reading for Pygmalion.)

Watching the actual movie, it had the effect of an indie film. Somehow that's similar among the old films (of Hitchcock lore) and the indie films. They have hanging endings which are not really conclusive nor suggestive of a sequel but merely as if they simply ran out of film to record on much like the serving portions you get at home where you know there's more where that dish came from and could equally dread being demanded to finish the portion you were served or having no chance at second helpings after everybody's served. There is no road marker that welcomes you as you cross that state: "Welcome to satiety!" Compare that to the formulaic industry movies where you can see the bottom of the ice cream tin and you know you've ran out of the frozen delicacy.

Old movies by Audrey Hepburn (This is only my second. Breakfast at Tiffany's was my first), run in an unprecedented manner. Somehow it's hanging, like there's always a curve and light bends differently that you cannot  predict with certainty how it would go next or if you had, it's hazy and warped.

The actors seemed to be yelling. Most likely they could not murmur like Blake Lively and be heard clearly through stage microphones  and they had to dub themselves.

Professor Higgins was quite a remarkable character and somehow reminds me of Dorian Gray's author - a lively, materialistic, educated, dandy - or the dork version of that time. They have different proclivities but generally, they are immersed in their subjects and views everything else as tedious or inconsequential. He was the standout character for me because he seemed to be flippant and shallow, with his denial disguised as logic or practicality when he simply can't deny how different his life would be without Eliza.

Prof. Higgins thought himself a simple man. Far from it. Until the end he does not admit what Eliza means to him. He confounds by giving her a ring which he says meant nothing but was apalled when she gave it back. If anything, he's more like how he thinks women are: says one thing and does another that opposes it.

In the beginning, Eliza was the unformed, unstable one and he looked after her, acclimating to her. Eliza changed and he tries to be unaffected. Now he wants to keep a woman but tries to make it appear like he doesn't; A man in consistent conflict with himself. He now is a muddled person compared to Eliza who came to terms with her change in station and lifestyle.

Audrey Hepburn did it well for the pre-makeover persona. From the independent Holly Golightly (fact checked that; almost typed Golucky there) to the uncouth Eliza. She was all glamor and sophistication as Holly despite the petty thieving (but by golly, all that hair is consistent! She must have half a million hairstrands!) Her speech and accent, more so her screeching as raw Eliza, was totally obnoxious. Holywood's ghost singer Marni Nixon's (who looks like Julie Andrews, the actual actor for the play version and whose name I want to think Ghibli's When Marnie Was There pays homage to) superb singing was commendable. As a character, I enjoyed how she was the take-charge type: she overheard Prof. Higgins' gamble with the Colonel and made steps to persuade them to get on with coaching her, going as straightforward as saying she would pay for lessons; how she told her suitor (Show Me) what she wants; and creating a confrontation to make Prof. Higgins realize her value to him (he never admits it to her face until the end).

The colonel was a forgettable character and does not merit screentime as much as Mr. Dolittle who was all-around entertaining though as a man and father he was not paramount but everything was forgiven because he was witty and lovable for it and in the end tried to live by middle class morals. So that's how I view people - those who appear entertaining take precedence over those who are dutiful. Blimey!

Characters with will, spunk and class (like Prof. Higgins' mother) were made to shine in this one. That if you had personality by speaking your mind and was no stick-in-the-mud, you were favored. Was this a call to activism? They tried to make it dated by mentioning suffragetes which supports that too.

The relevant theme of social stratification and discrimination by upbringing run true. This  applies across cultures where there are distinctions according to the manner of speech borne of regionalization. If using the same language but having different delivery, vocabularies or accent alone was enough to instigate a social divide, how much more in an archipelago where there are different languages?

Even Mr. Dolittle's mantra of getting according to what he needs and not what he deserves was a position on capitalism and communism.

Add to that Prof. Higgins' soliloquy on how a wife makes for a troublesome life and how women were generally the more difficult sex - blatant and very relatable expression of misogynistic views - in fancy alignment with the glib declarations on how women and wives are esteemed in Mr. Dolittle's bachelor party performance.

And because his songs are now on my playlist, Prof. Higgins' misogynistic declarations endeared me because it reflects his exasperation and frustration. For well-intentioned individuals who really want to be with their people, not having the same faculties to deal with situations is a bugger. Of course we understand that not all people think the same way and would see things differently from us, but that gap is tiring. Well, I am so glad the people who keep me find ways around it to get to me because I am petrified on the other end.

As Prof. Higgins sing-talks——the orchestral accompaniment makes it grandiose——it was undeniable his sentiments are founded in a limited space - his space which he validates through like-minded people. The colonel has no desire at all to receive flowers from him because he does not see him in a romantic light! He sees the successful debut while Eliza sees it as meeting her purpose, and as humans usually do, things that served their purpose are thrown away which is the source of her disgruntlement. It was obvious too when Prof. Higgins ended his ranting chant that he only accepts validations for his thoughts, asking Mrs. Pearce all his inchoate thoughts, not waiting for an answer unlike taking pause for the colonel's. So women are sounding boards to him whom he would prefer to act like men and just go along with whatever he thinks? It went well too that they ended the scene there to clearly present how not only Prof. Higgins has this misogynistic light where he has to be heard but does not mind not hearing from a woman by cutting off any possible replies from Mrs. Pearce through the actor, and the script as well, in effect, the movie industry she serves. It is infuriating. They jammed it all there; the standards by which societies categorize people by attributes they are not entirely responsible for like sex (we did not choose what sex to be born in or how we look or our lineage etc.) and the call by droll humor to take matters into your own hands.

It was a deeply rooted social movie discussing the merits of upbringing (third base privileges) and reflections of affluence according to conduct.

Water

 

05 January 2022

Just when I thought the year of the water tiger would mean an abundance of water beyond what I want to use it for. It is only the start of the year and we are met with water restrictions. The Chinese New Year will not take effect until Feb 1, so I'll hang in here. Thinking of the boy who lived in the mountains and had to bathe in a basin to collect the water he just used for another round. Comparing it with how thoughtless I was with my water consumption in the province. And how though water is everywhere, it was easy to take it away, given that water evaporates and may condense somewhere else. As I consciously scrimp on water use, I saw clothes on the line. Of course, people still need to wash clothes. I could only imagine how filthy I would live if I have to restrict water use on strictly basic needs. Then I saw ate Fe's plants. All those hundreds of pots were wet. No wonder the tank had no water by 7pm. Drought is real.Then there were thoughts of how I am water. 70% of me is. Basically, I am water, held together by remnants of stars.

For Today

 

04 January 2022

Who says I'm not curious? Why did I think I've given upon learning? I haven't. If I did, I wouldn't pause My Fair Lady on Netflix to check what Wagnerian denoted when the deuteragonist said wagnerian mother in his dialogue with an orchestral accompaniment.

If I'm not, then I wouldn't have browser tabs open in double digits.

It's interesting how stable I am today.
First I read 1 King 8:41-61. It barely made sense to me. Now I re-read it. It is the king Solomon, praying to God before his constituents. He did not fail to acknowledge  how exalted and powerful God is: hear prayers of the faithful though they are foreigners so everyone will fear You; God can give people over to their enemies and as quickly cause their captors to favor them.   But he also acknowledged how God has feelings, how he becomes angry and how he bestows favor.

All of which can be swayed by prayer——the foreigner, those at war, the captives, the contrite——if we pray to God, He will favor us. It is conditional - hearts must be fully committed to the Lord God, living by His decrees and obeying His commands.

It is a reading on the power of prayer. Without the covenant of Jesus in place, prayer was sufficient to gain God's favor, prayer supplemented by inner obedience at outward behavior.

Then I went to work. I still hear myself thinking I don't want to go to work and I'm tired. I still have stomach trouble when I think of work. But I still went.

I watched The Sound of Your Heart which was about as long as Blue Period with episodes less than half hour in duration, but with 2 episodes less.

Here, I was in stitches, the edges where my lips meet almost gaped like Joker's. It's hilarity comes from the absurdity of his situations and his zany family. I remember thinking at times how unintentionally Seok got even with his brother and how though they try to exercise their logic, being obedient and dramatic caused them to traipse along an original life.

With fortitude I am now conscious of, I moved on with my task, no matter how gradual. The tasks involved in completing the IPCR is progressing. I still jump through different tasks as I've done in my private time, switching unceremoniously among chores like folding and storing clothes, keeping strewn objects, searching song lyrics and watching 3 shows in Netflix. Despite the let down of losing water service (Thank goodness it's temporary but this might be commonplace in the future if we don't heed Greta Thunberg. Then I envision myself pointing fingers randomly and saying you first as I'm also being pointed at on taking steps at abating climate change), I was composed, thinking of the setback as a challenge I could find a way around. I will adapt (chanelling Yatora Yaguchi).

I came home to a house without water in a place where the advisory stated the water interruptions would start on Jan 5-20 from 7am-midnight. I have the right to despair not having water as early as Jan 4. But in this life, within the 5 kilometer radius, there are homes who have no water since yesterday. Same as my pre-Christmas travel of approximately an hour from the orange building to my house on my bike compared to those in Katarungan who had to travel 4 hours to get back home from commuting from Muntinlupa. Other people have it worse than me but they live on. I should too.

                                              ***
My Fair Lady tackles discrimination based on speech. Being a function derivative of one's lifestyle, speech dissects people into sects of status. It was supposed to present a bygone time but it prevails notwithstanding. People with certain inflections are deemed provincial and seen as less than literate, as inferior, less cultured or gullible. We are to live free but should wear the trappings of civility to have unbridled access to our freedoms. Consciously subjugating yourself to societal disciplines leaves you free to exert your freedoms within its confines. I'll definitely get back on discussing My Fair Lady after watching its entirety. Streaming it is until the 31st so Perfume could wait.

Uncertainty makes us work harder

03 January 2022

What's the first thing you do in the mornings?

Definitely not stream Netflix and watch Death to 2021 and then thoughtlessly go through Death to 2020 as well.

It was fun to watch. The commentary from the make-believe people enlivened it. I saw Chidi of The Good Place as the billionaire who thought only of profits. Hugh Grant as a TV and movie geek than an actual historian. Kathy Flowers was incredibly more frustrating in Death to 2020 and I really enjoyed Nerrick. Madison Madison's questions were delivered with credence and Lisa Kudrow, despite the character she plays, remains charming to me.

The jabs made on Trump as the orange maniac and the reference to Biden as a ghost was funny, even the take on the Prime Minister as being the least qualified was hilarious.

The most emotionally charged scene was that of Christin Milioti denying the elections.  Reflection from what I watched: Not everything other people say is true or logical and a person given to falsehoods can also say something worth learning about.

6:16 pm

The day may be considered productive because I have been cleaning around. The grout still has moss, the commercial multipurpose cleaner and vinegar with baking soda didn't cut it. It's still a mess out here, but a tolerable mess.

After finishing Blue Period which is quite an invitation to pursuing your passion through hardwork and sharing with other people how you see the world through the lens of your own eyes, I returned to listening to Welcome to Nightvale.

Blue Period started off with the main character Yatora Yaguchi. He was running his life like it was a well-oiled on-time train where his studies and social life are viewed as meeting a quota (the translation said that) and how "I don't understand how you can do what you want without making a living from it." when he was pertaining to wanting to be an artist. The professor saw through him and said he was minding too much how he was seen by people that he hides what is valuable to him.

My favorite lines:

1. Art is fun. People who are true to themselves make great art.

2. When you feel joy, excitement and passion while making art, the viewer will also enjoy your work.

Then I remember Death to 2021's line on social media cashing in negative emotions better than Adele.

3. Kids who don't try their best are those who don't have passion. Isn't it just natural to put everything you have into pursuing your passion?

At this point Yaguchi is testing if painting is for him.

4. When hardworkers do things they like they're unstoppable.

5. Art conveys things that cannot be conveyed by words... When seeing it, you get to know it. When drawing it, you get to understand it.

Yaguchi was convincing his mother that he is serious about painting.

6. I want to get better and see more of the world.

7. By appreciating various works, and knowing how to give various answers, you can reflect them in your own works and ideas.

8. But if I have to be what the world tells me to be I'd rather die.

Not that I want to die already, but Yuka stands for being himself. It's empowering to see someone who's tried living a constrained life breaking out of it.

9. I can't protect myself by doing what I like?

10. What they like perhaps can protect them, but it also hurts them.

This posits that liking something does not always bring joy. It is also a source of pain.

***

This is no quote but still informative lesson on masterpieces having great composition by

A. Having flow

B. Fitting the theme

C. Directing focus on key elements

D. Making you look at every corner

***

11. Making a replica is not just copying. If you do it with your heart, you'll understand many things.

And with that gentle nudge, the student understood firsthand his art lessons.

12. Making art is freer than I imagined.

13. You don't even have to do art.

At this part I was thinking Yota meant that Yatora already has everything, he doesn't need to excel in making art too. When Yatora said if his art was compelling, he wouldn't be told that meant: his not making art is not the world's loss. Ow. That's only when it hits me that it could be interpreted that way. Those two really need to communicate better.

14. I can't make art like (names others) but no one else can do my art either.

15. You have to believe in your art.

16. You have to figure out your goal and get there by yourself.

17. Good art clearly expresses the mindset of the artist.

18. There is no failing in art.

Followed by the probing is it because of a critique or you didn't like your work line. Because that is how we measure failing, according to how others see it or how we do.

19. Art is a language without words.

That's 5.

20. She hasn't changed her message, just her way of expressing it.

21. But composition is only a tool, not the message.

22. Doing things I like doesn't mean it's always fun.

Back to 9 and 10.

23. I'm not talented. I can only improve by practicing. Then I'll practice until my work is no different from a genius.

24. Popular things all have some strengths. I too want a strength, a weapon of my own.

25. I realized that I've been putting arbitrary limits to my art.

That's another way to say 12.

26. It's good to dissect other works but it's dangerous to make too much of a comparison. You shouldn't aim to get first place but to make your own masterpiece.

27. The road to art school is lonely. There's so little time and no right answer.

28. But what's scary about art is it reveals everything about me.

Art is an exercise in creation that reflects the creator.

29. If I make art out of fun but end up rejected, I'm afraid I won't be able to recover from that.

Complacency comes before a fall in his case. It will be a few episodes before he admits how his diffidence masked by projected confidence made him realistic and rational enough to be diligent and to prepare.

30. Don't hide your true feelings. Use your communication skills to empower them.

31. Adaptability, self-centeredness and the ability to have fun... I should break down the assignment and make it my own art. I'll make the art piece that I like.

32. All feelings coexist. My desperate wish to pass this exam and my desire to kill everyone. I don't care about the exam anymore. Just please let me make this piece.

Not that I'm into the diligent killer types like Penn Badgely in You, but that drive to create bordering on destruction adds a nice hue.

33. I've been holding my breath to stay focused all this time. But if I keep holding my breath, I'll suffocate. Taking a breather is not slacking.

34. Looking at things as art, everyone would be drawn to different things.

35. You don't have to force yourself to be eccentric or to imitate others...By looking at other people's work, you can discover new things about yourself.

36. Knowing that I'll have a long way to go, it's frustrating but I was relieved.

37. You don't just pour colors into your art. You're the only one who knows what's the best color for you.

38. It's not just about pouring colors. Choosing not to choose is equally important.

39. If I sharpen all my senses, I gradually get to see what's important to me now. Each individual color sparks my heart (Marie Kondo, is that you?)... What do I want to express in red?

The line is not fully quotable but the truth of making art to express over merely creating what looks beautiful is important. Much like a dish in a plate must be edible, majority of what's in a canvas is not happenstance but deliberate - they have meaning.

40. The only way to expand your world is to experience things you aren't familiar with.

And so he goes and draws himself nude in a room alone with a cross-dresser.

41. Sometimes other people can identify your strengths for you.

42.

Yuka: Shall we go drowning? In the sea.

Yatora: I'm not going to drown. I'll keep swimming to stay on the surface.

43. You'd better die naked. If that embarasses you and you're bothered by people's opinions, then you can't die just yet.

44. I thought my passion was the only thing that could protect me, but sometimes I don't even know what my true passion really is.

45. To look at your naked self and show it to people is to accept who you really are. Both the pretty and the ugly parts.

This ties in eventually with how Yatora sees his duality, how he is both arrogant and insecure. His confidence in insecurity that he now acccepts that his close people sees him as he is, versus showing them a persona he is not - like hiding his anguish or holding back on sharing his thoughts. He realizes that he is projecting confidence without actually being so. Thereby, he follows Koi's advice (30) and covers all his bases like the romantic realist that he is. His ability to adapt to the challenge does not make him lose himself. Yatora incorporated the concept of his vulnerability and applied (21) painting techniques and skills to depict his message within the confines of painting a nude model.

46. Confidence makes one's art persuasive. Hesitation makes one's art weak.

47. I never noticed that before making art I was not even pathetically naked, I was transparent.

After brewing, I realized what this meant. Initially, I thought how can you be transparent when you purposefully chose to not show your real self to everyone? And he's exactly right. He was transparent in a sense that he blended in the background, that to this world, he was nothing - a mere being that exists without living. The sun warms him but he is not conscious enough to feel it fully. He is a son with a mother whose dedication he did not realize until he drew her. A friend who was always present but kept holding back.

That —— compared to being naked where he meant he was solid and seeing himself; he was now alive and aware of his flaws and weaknesses. Instead of simply putting himself in the position of others with his mindset, he is now looking at their decisions with respect, much like he scrutinizes a subject of art or ascribes a visual form to his emotions. He no longer looks at things just as they are but reviews them in depth, exerting conscious effort to think about it instead of simply using trite generalizations (after having learned to come up with realizations on his own during his lessons instead of simply following what other people say.)

48. I have no regrets but I have a lot to reflect on.

49. I'm not regretful. That said, I'm not satisfied either. There's nothing I can do anymore.

50. Artwork is only completed when you give up on it.

The series  has less than 30 minutes per episode including the intro and ending songs and I watched it in 1.5 speed so it was a quick watch.

And now, I saw that Perfume is on Netflix. Hurrah! Finally! The first time I was told this story from the movie, I was fascinated. It was the last book I finished on my e-reader. Now, I'm seeing the movie.

A dream has its own logic

31 December 2021

My sleep dreams are getting stranger.

I dreamt of meeting with my work colleagues in McDonald's. We were apparently on a tour of McDonald's branches.

The first one we went to was closed. The next one we drove to in a red car I've never seen before was open and had a second floor —— only, there was no elevator, escalator or stairs in sight. After walking around to investigate how to get to the upper floor, an overhanging railroad track was spotted. More like those in small-time amusement parks for younger children train track which that branch decided to remove but the construction part of extracting the track was unfinished, the track hangs from a gap on the second floor where I could see booths with roomy wingbacks occupied by elite looking people.

The track end unattached to the wall was sharp and overhead. This is a dream so after a moment, it was bent and became metal stairs connecting the two floors. Without second thought, I climbed up, like I was on the rungs of a playground slide stairs. Suddenly, the second floor appeared to be a balcony instead of a second floor that abruptly stopped and was surely an accident prone construction site.

The opening before the transformed stairs was blocked by highchairs strapped on the balcony railing. I clambered up the highchairs as bolsters to get past the railing and then I'm on the 2nd floor. While I was securing a booth - to my surprise - my colleagues were already up there with food, telling me they went through an elevator. For all the acrobatics I surmised I went through and seeing people dressed up in evening gowns to eat at a fastfood chain, it surely was a dream. A little later I was picking peeled oranges off the floor. Some were stepped on (it had dirt). I brushed them off, offered them to others. No takers presented themselves so I ate them. There was even pomelo on the table. Wasn't sure if it was from the McDonald's menu.

Then, I saw the kiddie meal toys. One had a frog inside that went off and it belonged to a kid I met there. I did not see the frog, only a blur that jumped away. The kid gave me one toy. It was a flat compact case, like pressed powder. I opened the lavender case to find a sleeping brown bunny. Then I woke up.