Feeling Like the Paraplegic Macaulay Culkin

8 November 2013

did not report for work this week's thursday. muscles were leaden, heavy and stiff. slept until it was 1pm. things were going better than planned with me sending money to mom's account which she would pay for piglets. sam's ticket for her trip to manila which i brought with me would be refunded anytime within the year with a 20 per cent surcharge because by the time i have refunded it at the calapan port office, the vessel had already departed as printed in the ticket.

mood swings were bad. for a while i thought i would be deeply annoyed about everything again for no apparent reason. then after a giant serving of sour passion fruit tea, i felt better. before i downed down all of it, i was imagining that i was sipping it as i swing. how i miss the outdoors and the swing. if i were in Sual, i would've been swinging. back in my granny's house i would've gotten my whim as i sway under the shade of bougainvillea canopy. partially my peace may be attributed to ackowledging the fact that for anything i want, i should be willing to pay a certain price. this assuaged my complaint on beauty coming with a hefty price; beautiful things are expensive. my anger on how only the rich could possess beautiful things dissipated. as i was walking on the tiled floor of midtown wing, i saw a man in worker's attire: long sleeved shirt under a tee over jeans with their own constellation of white paint, the man's shy above the shoulder hair tucked under a kerchief. he looked respectable and in sync. if everyting around me evoked my irritation, the sight of him calmed me. i regreted not having enough memory on my phone for a photo of him. he was the thunderclap, the cue to make me see how dignity is beyond clothes and fashion but under a bearing of ease, unpretentiousness, honesty and the extreme absence of self-pity. like the little child that i am, i went home and played dress-up with the clothes in my closet.

contentment is a state which man could not strive for but can be bestowed freely. in truth, i was afraid of my own greed as expressed by miscontent in place of my usual gratuitious outlook. much more is my dread since i know greed feeds on itself. how i would delight to be offered the fluid of life which would quench me until thirst would be an urge i would not recall. my body might be filled with sustenance but if my soul remains parched, not the most exquisite food or beverage would make it go away. my soul was satiated. may i praise the Lord for this and more.

as expected, tito tony and tita terry contacted me. my immediate impulse: prattle on fb a pm for cze that would report the incident. duty squelched fancy. that meant i had to clean the house and probably not tell on the tale. the sun persists on rising so i make myself stand was written beside jeniffer lawrence on the standee poster for catching fire. this plus Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham and i was sure i would finish on meticulously cleaning the house. this made me miss Sam more. Cleaning up would be accomplished much faster had she been with me.

Squeeze Out All Usefulness

7 November 2013

what do we need to get the most of what we're reading? aside from the inevitable consumption of time, we need a mind that is critical but nonetheless open to what we're being pesented. am reading Love Your Frenemies again. after the first read, i was convinced it was heftily priced, not worth what i paid for. today, i decided to reread it again, trying to efface the dismay of the lackadaisical investment on that book. the act stemmed from the line of thought that i could've spent that money on clothes instead. i had to wash clothes as wednesday transitioned unnoticeably to thursday because i have nothing to wear anymore. since monday this week i've been wearing Sam's clothes to work without permission. (Hopefully she wouldn't get to read this.)

i was also thinking how i should make the most out of this tablet which dad has given me. i haven't alloted much time to learning how to use this gadget since the battery drains too fast for this gadget to be used conveniently during my road trips. unlike our now obsolete tv playstation portal which was not used at all for gaming by any member of the family, i would prevent this gadget from meeting the same fate by abstaining from buying an android phone since it would likely keep me from using this.

back to buying the LYF book, the beauty of any story like this one depends on how much i, the reader, could relate to it. i retract regretting buying it. the mistake that it was was a price i am willing to pay for the lesson. i am usually disappointed with myself since my learning curve has long since dipped down. this drained out vacuum feeling is lodging and gaining its nourishment from me. this beautiful life i have i could not waste on being tired. i am tired of being tired, where is that sense of wonder for things that i often have? when my mind, body and heart aren't on the same beating page, i have to realign them.

Mrs. James Bond Rachel Weisz

10 November 2013

Fan-girling once again on James Bond brought me to trouble. Missed on eating breakfast and lunch for about 50 pieces of crunchy chocolate chip cookies - the perfect movie marathon munchies. And, my most awaited showroom day arrived and I am not ready! Caught unaware was what I was until my benefactors and their visitors were pounding on my door. Ugh. Isn't this most unprofessional? But, I can no longer retrieve what has already occured. Instead, I am to celebrate my dad's birthday. Time and experience has given me the invaluable tip of not spending anymore time lamenting on something I can no longer remedy, I might only build on bricks before me, paving the way as I walk on it. If I have made a lousy job with paving, I could not afford to stop to make it acceptable. I have to walk on the pace set for me by I don't know who.

Debt Deluge

16 November 2013

I was never a fan of debt. I will not unnecessarily subscribe to borrowing money if it was not really required. October was a quiet time for me. September was too. I said I was going to be more conscientious with documenting my thoughts and feelings by writing them down. I haven’t. Despair had caught up on me. I opted to stay quiet than to write nasty thoughts about people and life in general.

The world is filled with polarities I was not able to sort out and see through as fast as I have to. The illusion that I had been through with disillusionment had been wrong. I was not even touching it close. There’s more to come and I seem to have no mettle whatsoever to meet it. 

So wake me up when it’s all over

When I’m wiser and I’m older

All this time I was finding myself

And I, didn’t know I was lost

I am not impervious to temptation. They leapt up on me fiercely and I feel discontent and dissatisfaction alternately. My mind recognizes that I have lots to be thankful for. The command has been overridden. I was saturated with all these materialistic carnal thoughts I am becoming a monster of sloth, selfishness, greed and envy. 

It is easy to be good and modest when you have no other option. When I have the luxury to choose, when I could see the spectacle on the other side, how could I be content? Sir Edson proclaimed the other day, must be on the month of September that life’s unfair, to which I quipped, “No it isn’t, it’s unfair to everyone.” He’s right. I see lots of things that breach my standards of professionalism and public service-oriented integrity. I have seen, I have heard, I have been caught and endangered by acts that are self-serving and sacrificial. It was like the previous scenario again. I was caught in polarities to enter a new cave of an insidious, highly conflicting niche of polarities. Can’t help but observe how some people get more for giving less while I get less for giving more. Oh giving tree, how I hate your blind nobility bordering insanity. Bob Ong, please do not badger your silver-bound book about the hero from whom everyone took away everything.

It is easy to live a good life, that path to peace and goodness in solitude.  But being in a society where some people project to be more than they really are, some people believe to be less than what they could be and some people could not even have the most basic of their needs to develop in themselves self-respect, morality and politeness dictated by society, living a good life would be the proverbial difficult-than-a-camel-passing-through-a-needle’s-hole.

It seems too that all my efforts get nowhere. They are supposed to propel me. In Physics, work is defined as force applied in a specific direction. I am nothing but force that goes wasted. The force is with me and I am energy, neither created nor destroyed but without direction, I become an end to an undefined means. 

I will manage my resources well. This is the challenge. May my mind, as it is covered with meninges be impervious to the call of immediate gratification. Immediate gratification makes everything banal and passing and much more cheap and temporal than all other objects are. I prefer simplicity: that is, if I do wrong, I will admit and repent. When I do wrong to someone, I say sorry and try to make amends. Let all other people float in their self-named seas where they always are right, they always have a point and all that matters is their own welfare. These kinds of thoughts come quite naturally but going the other way around, always thinking of others before oneself– that is a challenge I presume as worth-taking. I’d rather fail at doing something greater than humanity and its embodiment that win at doing something so many people are excelling at.

Augustus Waters, you are right. Hurting is inevitable but you have the option of who has the power to hurt you. I will continue to care even if it hurts. Everyone could hurt me but that guarantees that it would surely be a very wonderful person whom God would send to make me forget that hurt ever did exist.

Fan the Girl

6 November 2013

Before Sam and I went back to Calapan, we had the opportunity to meet with Gab (which was a very anticipated event  given her always hectic schedule). I remember wanting to write how I live in a rainbow, walking through lanes of colors one at a time. Dama de Noche blooms made themselves felt with their omnipresent scent which since after that night Gab, Sam and I walked to Luneta, followed me even to the crannies of Baclaran and our good old local cemetery. In the years I’ve stayed in Malate, not a year did those white flowers bloom (Are they really dama de noche even? Their petals were white and they grew from such tall trees!) Manila streets are soaked in these scents at night the dried out spit, lingering urine ammonia, and the stench of garbage mounds are oppressed. Only that scent reigns. For that, I love Manila nights.

How I have longed to write but as was, did not get the time to. I wanted to post in my FB status:

Feeling the way I did with Kevin Spacey in Tremors <3 <3 <3 upon sighting face-to-face a James Franco look alike

It wasn’t of prime importance to me so I did not make any effort. Yet , recalling him would really make me smile in the middle of the day.

Counting on Pearls: Dracula's Delusion

24 October 2013

I strain to hear but I fail to mimic. I can’t make my inoculating style as melodious as Sir Philip does. He may be unaware of the artistry of the sound and the line of his streaks. He may not even see the craft he has made out of those repetitive acts. He must be. How could he make the analogy of hand flicks between streaking and painting?

This reminds me the worthy of mention dedication of Sir Edson. Almost all of the staff was out last September 16. He had to be in charge of Benches A to C though he is still sleepy after driving for the Tagaytay excursion with his recently-operated-on-not-yet-fully-recovered-knee. Kudos Mr. Simon, RMT, MPH!

Today, I heard my footfalls on the plush but still thin carpet of B hotel’s 10^th floor hallway as my jeans, 5 inches above my knee, reveal the friction between them with their scraping sounds at my every step.

The granite bench beneath the almost ceiling to floor mirror was giving off concentrated coolness on the chilly room. Grazing down the glass side of the hotel’s room, How lonely it would be to have all this luxury all by yourself. I have all the wealth in the world – health and family and everything my heart could ever desire, I already own them. I just don’t know it yet.

These material riches, I could work my life to gain them but never in exchange for this family I cannot afford to lose. I have the people I want to spend my life with that life in luxury becomes dull in comparison.

Blistered and Blighted

17 October 2013

Psalm 128

People may achieve wealth through one’s own will, work and wit but to the righteous, God grants abundance beyond compare, prosperity devoid of worry and contentment free from poverty.

21 October 2013

Some people may be going through life faster, easier or harder. I will be at peace. My pace, You have chosen. My changes, You have ordained. I will be at peace. I will wait for You patiently.

23 October 2013

Psalm 137

Our faith is subject to despair and anger and all other emotions. They may subside and be replaced but never let faith go.

Just when did I start weighing like a ton of bricks? With a heart this heavy, I’d be Jupiter if it were measured on earth’s weighing scale. 

I’ll be a tamarind. My rind will be white and pure and right. Humility over authority. Modesty over luxury. All of these will be lost. Everything I see is temporary.