I was never a fan of debt. I will not unnecessarily
subscribe to borrowing money if it was not really required. October was a quiet
time for me. September was too. I said I was going to be more conscientious
with documenting my thoughts and feelings by writing them down. I haven’t.
Despair had caught up on me. I opted to stay quiet than to write nasty thoughts
about people and life in general.
The world is filled with polarities I was not able to sort
out and see through as fast as I have to. The illusion that I had been through with
disillusionment had been wrong. I was not even touching it close. There’s more
to come and I seem to have no mettle whatsoever to meet it.
So wake me up when
it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m
older
All this time I was
finding myself
And I, didn’t know I
was lost
I am not impervious to temptation. They leapt up on me
fiercely and I feel discontent and dissatisfaction alternately. My mind
recognizes that I have lots to be thankful for. The command has been
overridden. I was saturated with all these materialistic carnal thoughts I am
becoming a monster of sloth, selfishness, greed and envy.
It is easy to be good and modest when you have no other
option. When I have the luxury to choose, when I could see the spectacle on the
other side, how could I be content? Sir Edson proclaimed the other day, must be
on the month of September that life’s unfair, to which I quipped, “No it isn’t,
it’s unfair to everyone.” He’s right. I see lots of things that breach my
standards of professionalism and public service-oriented integrity. I have
seen, I have heard, I have been caught and endangered by acts that are
self-serving and sacrificial. It was like the previous scenario again. I was
caught in polarities to enter a new cave of an insidious, highly conflicting
niche of polarities. Can’t help but observe how some people get more for giving
less while I get less for giving more. Oh giving tree, how I hate your blind
nobility bordering insanity. Bob Ong, please do not badger your silver-bound
book about the hero from whom everyone took away everything.
It is easy to live a good life, that path to peace and
goodness in solitude. But being in a
society where some people project to be more than they really are, some people
believe to be less than what they could be and some people could not even have
the most basic of their needs to develop in themselves self-respect, morality
and politeness dictated by society, living a good life would be the proverbial
difficult-than-a-camel-passing-through-a-needle’s-hole.
It seems too that all my efforts get nowhere. They are
supposed to propel me. In Physics, work is defined as force applied in a
specific direction. I am nothing but force that goes wasted. The force is with
me and I am energy, neither created nor destroyed but without direction, I
become an end to an undefined means.
I will manage my resources well. This is the challenge. May
my mind, as it is covered with meninges be impervious to the call of immediate
gratification. Immediate gratification makes everything banal and passing and
much more cheap and temporal than all other objects are. I prefer simplicity:
that is, if I do wrong, I will admit and repent. When I do wrong to someone, I
say sorry and try to make amends. Let all other people float in their
self-named seas where they always are right, they always have a point and all
that matters is their own welfare. These kinds of thoughts come quite naturally
but going the other way around, always thinking of others before oneself– that
is a challenge I presume as worth-taking. I’d rather fail at doing something
greater than humanity and its embodiment that win at doing something so many
people are excelling at.
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