Progress

 28 December 2021

I still don't know who I am and what I'm doing. 30 years alive and I still don't know shit.

It's not safe to assume that other people don't either.

How do I know? In reality, there's no subtext. In reality, people's motives are unclear. In truth, the world has no borders. It is large and limitless. Shadows are as prevalent as light. And you become aware that you are suspended in a vast space and that whatever holds you together are weak compared to everything that exists.

And because I am precariously placed, I will treasure my moments, no matter how pointless or passive. 

There will be no point in resistance. Because I could not fight, I will allow happenstance. I will accept the randomness of life, exerting my will only when I am enticed to.

My reality now does not appear real. It has no stench of suffering or pain. It is curated and brightly lit. Where people leisurely stroll and hear the water roll. How delightful it sounds! The induced drips on porcelain has simulated the sound of waterfalls. It sounds soothing and cool.

I dislike all the manipulating and posturing which I can't help but notice in this upscale place. But that's how it works. Prejudice and bias are irrational but real.

I am fighting the compulsion to type how I think and feel. I am before people who I chose to spend my dinner with.

Supposedly, I am celebrating a successful webinar. Must be a cynic because I don't see it that way, merely grateful that it's over.

2 hours after, dinner's over and I still am amazed at how other people could be consistently sharp - every word they say could cut. In a manner of the samurai, where every flick cuts as intended; a surgeon where every nick is purposeful; a butcher where every hack is deliberate. These people are not god, but their words do as they bid. And here I am, I speak the same language and use the same words, but they do not make contact. They do not penetrate and embed themselves in other people's consciousness. They are conveniently unheard and reflexively forgotten. If only messages are heard as they are, not only according to whose words they are.

There are many ways to categorize people. How there are others who could make mountains move because they believe they could. And there are Jon Snow people. People who have been given everything to be powerful but keep on choosing not to be. I mean, come on, from his lineage, his alliances, his bearing, the situations he was placed in, great things were expected of him. He could change a lot of things and he missed them. He did not dwell on his standing and its implications. He chose to be himself and lost what he could become until he finally ran out of opportunities to influence. Then there are Bran Stark people who, from esoteric means, weild power by building up on other people's misfortunes like they are pawns then delegate the responsibility to others so he could look into a future he could not change as he desires.

Let me prosper. I am a seed and I do not know what I would grow to be. Sunlight, rain and soil combine. Air be there and thine. Whence I shall see what I'll grow to be.