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4 March 2022

5:02pm
Better the devil I know, than the devil I don't. When did I get this cynical?

Just read on muscle testing, that dubious realm of applied kinesiology. Decided it fit what I wanted, to have this flow where I let my gut and body decide what I should do next. They've badly been put behind when it comes to this, they're rebelling.

9 March 2022

Today's reading is Psalm 93. It brings together my favorites. God and the sea. He is mighty and more consistent than waves crashing the shore. God is from all eternity; His standards remain the same for endless days. Not only is God powerful beyond the seas, He is constant despite time.

My God is beyond time. He prevails against it——not weary, worn, decaying or rotting. He commands it, weilding it perfect so that everything that appears wild and disorderly cannot be exempt from His gentle grace and that what comes to be happens in His time. His purposes may be unclear to me, but it is His intent that provides purpose so that what transpires has meaning instead of happenstance or randomness.

12 March 2022

Sometimes I am not sure if I have agency over my life. Remember how I realized that it's extraneous for the soldiers to mock Jesus, how it's luxuriously cruel but it still happened? Or how pharoah, whoever that pharaoh was (Ramses?) when Moses was alive was bent on keeping the Israelites when he was a leader acting in his sincere dignity?

It is you, but not you. You could make plans but God still determines how it would pan out.

Do I trust Him to make the best out of my life that appears to mean nothing and lead to nothing? The good fight was won. So I should be calm.

Left and right things are changing. I feel the pressure to not be alone. I feel the pressure to not choose wrongly because of the heartache and the trapped state of those who have married. I know better than anyone else my weaknesses that I capitalize on when I'm alone. I already am shamed for wanting something good and perfect for myself when I am not good and perfect for anyone. I am not consistent, persistent, diligent, responsible, brave or passionate enough for myself and I am expected to be for another because I expect and desire for another to be so to me.

It is more than possible to rise above the hurdles. To commit to a person though I am faulty, though that person is. Or isn't. But when I, by default, am not willfull, surrendering my fate to happenstance, how could I will to make it work? When am I to pursue my will and when should I let God's will be?