Dazed Manifesto

25 April 2013

There’s a high that comes with being with people you’re very comfortable to be with. After I have been late for picking-up Sam at Batangas port she ended up waiting there for me for two hours under the summer heat, we had a dispute again today. This is living as the James Bond movie, The Day is Not Enough says, you haven’t lived yet unless you’ve lived life on the edge.

 

I wasn’t late at all. I woke up at the same time as Sam was leaving from home, 7 am and I still had to wait on Gab to finish her toilette. As a gracious host I shared and bought siomai as our viand. Four orders at that. I was on the mood to spend for Sam. I ended up leaving the condo past nine and Sam was on her boat at 8. I was aware she’ll surely have to wait on me as I was on the bus queue.

The fact that I left her on her own was a blow for me. It is her first time to travel on a boat on her own, travelling to Manila in preparation for being a freshman in college. When I was in her place, dad accompanied me. I made her wait. My heart felt that arrow of bitterness. An ice of guilt was splicing me. I failed her just as I was failing at most of my endeavors.


Mom and I were screaming over the phone. These are my vital relationships, splintered. And I was still not doing well in work. I had no set of close, reliable friends I could frequently bother. I was bombarding Gab with my monologue of self deprecation. There was no time for me to communicate with people and to keep close to my friends and cousins. Nothing. When I talk to people, they tend to keep away from me. They were all closing in on me at the same time. I was beleaguered.

The bus television blared on a movie about the US president acting independent, valiant, honorable, courageous and humble, being the hero who actually played the undisputable protagonist. Some people just have everything going their way especially in the movies. My only responsibility for the day was to pick Sam up and early for her stay in Manila before she takes her college entrance exam in TUP. I blasted it off.

Sam is a very amazing kid. She’s grown so much that most of the time I feel the chasm lodged by the time when we were apart. She remained ever obedient though and more responsible. She cooked meals for me. Just last night she cooked fried rice for me. And this lunch, she prepared an egg salad. She also did the laundry yesterday aside from her daily household chores.

Though I do not mean to, at times I was irritated with my mom’s line of questioning when she calls. Sam wasn’t as tolerant as I was. She actually let mom know that she was annoyed. I felt guilty whenever I was irked by my mom. She’s my mom; why would I raise my voice against her on trivial stuff?

Sam was a fresh flavor for my week. Micai was too. She treated me out to ice cream and sent me links to two personality tests  at enneagram and rheti where I was type 4 and INFP respectively. Aids also received a visit from me this morning and since Monday, ate Ching was back at her post but I haven’t seen her until Tuesday.

As I reread through these set of sentences, I noticed that my sentence construction is monotonous. Variety is lacking, I appear to not know how to write otherwise. I am getting lazy with writing. Why?

This day, I redeemed from the lobby Ling’s mail for me which according to the Manila Philpost stamp, arrived in the country last April 23.

With all the beauty that there is in the world, why should I fret? I say this and my mind counters the statement. It constantly forgets. My mind mulls over topics I do not even know, it makes me tired beyond my usual schedule, emptying my energy reserves with only a few tasks. Before, it was very difficult to exhaust me into surrendering to sleep if I still have to finish something. Now, I only had dinner and my next agenda would be sleep already.

Another strange fact is that I find it hard to remember things lately. My mind is usually confused and unsettled and ever shifting. I know I am not in my optimal working condition. How may I get a vacation from myself?