Stuck

11 April 2013

This is how it is to always be wronged in whatever you do. I am getting a good grasp of living that way. It is not my fault that I think differently from those of the team. But because I have subscribed myself in this working sphere, of course, I should attune to the music that’s playing. I have come to terms to accept myself no matter how off my thinking seems to be compared to theirs. If I really want to perfect what I do, I have to accept the intrinsic component of having to be wrong big time. The problem is I also persecute myself. Please hear me out reader. Whatever happens, do stand by yourself even in repentance or humiliation. Never abandon yourself.

The mistake that’s lashing out at me is that I’m living only one life, a life dedicated to working all the time. I can’t let the thought of work go as easily especially when I’m not doing well at it. I keep on thinking about it until it is resolved and it usually doesn’t. Since I keep on seeing the loose ends in a tangled skein of yarn, I am driven crazy.

Many are the matters I am grateful for. These things are consciously acknowledged but not taken in by my whole being to be celebrated. Perceiving and processing logically certain matters does not translate to doing them immediately or acting upon them as we supposed we should. Through this mumbo-jumbo I entertained that this was how it was to live through hell to risk experiencing heaven (not that that actually happens). I saw how I was very inadequate and ill-equipped for the professional world. My heart is weak and so is my resolve. I allow things to unfold on their own, without any effort on manipulation from my side. During these moments was I acquainted to the series The Game of Thrones. It made me see how explicit violence and sexual themes no longer held their impact through often exposure and, borrowing from the field of science, desensitization. There, peoples’ allegiances are not absolute and trusting directly translated to hurting. The build up for the first two episodes was slow for me but eventually it picked up pace.

For all those times when I was immune to the beauty of life and all that there is to make me question why I feel that bad when I’ve been given this much, I was undergoing a process. Child-likeness would diminish from me. The propensity by which I carry my responsibility, especially at work undermines my productivity. Our summer interns, senior PH students for next school year, started working this week. They revived in me a sense of being, not a sense of doing and meeting other people’s expectations. It was coming hard on me since I did my best but it always was not good enough regardless of the efforts and time put into it. A tick exists. I should point it out and deal with it at once. Passion and effort in tandem do not fail easily. I am being stretched. It’s a necessary pain for an irreplaceable gain.