Team Meetings are Psychedelic

27 March 2013

I decided to write that if you want a buzz, it’s better for you to swap souls with me for a moment while I am in our team meeting. The amount I charge would be cheap for the light-headedness that comes with it.  My mind at that moment goes blank. It’s rare for me to have a blank mind but every time we are in a team meeting, it just becomes empty, as if I am barred access to it.

Because of the different physiologic changes I’ve experienced lately, I decided to take multivitamins. Maybe I am experiencing iron deficiency anemia and I cannot think optimally because I do not receive enough oxygen to support brain function. My grandfather came to mind. I cannot imagine him weeping when he learned that I was getting thinner since I started with my job. I’m barely 40kg now. I eat more than I usually do but I metabolize food faster and I sleep for two hours a day.

Today was a day of discovery. I actually am finished with the leaflet I started at about the same time as the bulletin. It was along the same line as winning the lottery jackpot. Our team leader confirmed that I was a factor in my immediate supervisor’s decision to not extend his contract. I’m sorry if I was too dumb for him. I didn’t mean to. He stressed me out too.

Micai’s in Hongkong now. It must be work-related. Grace would’ve met up with me yesterday but we didn’t meet up. Spent that time writing to Ling and Cze instead.

I experienced how it is as the Bible tells of a prominent powerful king who grazed like an animal in the forest for seven years as prophesied before he rose to greater power. I was at the height of celebrating my intellectual capacities. I fell so bad. I entertained the thought that I wasn’t smart and that I should come back home and work for the government in a desk job where I receive more dignity from my workmates though I am not challenged to improve.

Nothing makes sense anymore, all things do not keep a single color; they keep changing. I get more befuddled than I already am. Before I could endorse any output, everyone should’ve approved of it. Even if that meant five people, that’s a lot. Though they tell to your face, “It’s your call,” they won’t approve of it unless it carries the suggestions they pointed out. How crazy is that? And for every output or letter or form of communication except for calls and SMS, I had to do, someone has to check it first. What’s more, I cannot demand their time immediately. Paul has his own work to do. I can’t wait for him forever. My immediate supervisor is away most of the time, how could I discuss with him the outputs we’re supposed to present? About their personalities, there is no question that all of them are good and sharp people. My issues lie on the untold rules, skirted protocols, extra safety nets, public relations set-up. It’s not as simple as going to school, doing your homework and submitting it to a teacher who explains fairly clearly what it is that they want from you. There you only please two people – yourself and your teacher and the tunes you have to play by are in a score sheet you have. Now it’s different. I consult five people separately and beg for a piece of their attention. If this were the family atmosphere I grew up in, I must be incarcerated or taking extended rehab sessions by 15. They may not see it but they have imposed rigid rules on me. They were metaphorically forcing me to paddle my canoe in five distinct rivers at the same time.

I also am trying to respect these peoples’ time by not calling unto them by any means more than twice a day for a single matter. They do not respond as promptly as I need and I cannot proceed because I have to wait for their feedback first. That is the critical boundary line for me. I don’t know when they’re free for consultation that I would receive an immediate response or when I should not contact them at all.

They’ve been putting up with me these past three months. Could I bear the pressure for 9 more months? We’re both at pains just so I could learn. I am faced with a question on myself: Could I really fill in the responsibilities of an efficient research assistant?