I Can't Cry

4 March 2013

Daughter of light,

Daughter of the morning,

Will you shed tears?

My mom is in a heart-rending situation. Everyone’s teaming up against her and she’s got no one to lean on. Oh money. Only for money. She’s ridiculed and looked down on, considered a disgrace. She’s done her best. It’s not her fault. How can I help her? She did not sleep last night with all her worries. What do I do? If I let it get to me, I’ll not only be a sinking ship, I’ll be buried deeper in the sea basin than Atlantis; I’ll probably be deep into the mantle already.  I have nothing but faith. All I have is trust that surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life (Psalm 24:6). It is insanity but I keep on living, moving on without directing my efforts to meet my dreams but I expect whole-heartedly that they will come true. If the bureaucracy of government systems protects the leader, the Lord Himself communicates with all of us directly. I believe however paradoxical what I am doing is, I will attain my goal. It was said, behold, I will make all things new. I will believe. That is my decision. It came to me that I should be blaming dad for what we’re going through; he started it. But that is a power I will not relinquish – the power of choice. So I chose to not let resentment seep in. I, as all humans do, have the birthright to autonomy. I can see clearly what is before me, but I will not let it block my vision of what’s in store for me.

I left the house for a payphone call. It is ridonkolous how much they look at my mother with condescension, impressing on her that she has to feel shame. I stand by her. It is not her fault. She’s in charge of damage control and because it can no longer be contained, she suffers infamy from the fall. That is unfair. There is no need for me to reiterate that truth. The world doesn’t play fair; it simply is playful. I’ve had my share of its unfairness; I am blessed that I am adept at remembering more the favors it sent my way. People could be so judgmental, self-righteous and narrow-minded. Love makes amends; it was an automatic imperative to understand. I would’ve been cursing those who broke my mother’s heart. I would’ve implanted in my heart vengeance for them or anger. But that’s energy consuming and I have not much energy for those. I will let my mother get through this. I will walk with her. We would both grow in love and accept our share of suffering.

I had no sleep last night. Sheldon kept me awake. The Big Bang Theory shows prejudice and discrimination at work among people. At times I already feel like spanking Sheldon. His punctiliousness is extreme. He can’t help it. But he’s kind and he’s practical. Even if the characters in the show are smart people, it was also shown how people could not be everything – being a genius meant being dumb at something else. It was a satire of real life.