Thought wreckage

5 May 2013

The other parcel of my now usually riddled life is when Sam and I went out yesterday to buy Krispy Kreme donuts and another unplanned action, purchase for Shiela the Spongebob stuff toy I’ve thought of giving her since January.

Why would I let anything stop me?  I often am stumped at work. I arrive usually at the rock bottom, without any idea as to what they want because that’s already how I think of it and I admit to not being prolific enough. Why would I also be curtailed in other dimensions? I thought as if I were rich. God is smiling on me. This time it’s no longer patronizing but dazzling. Wouldn’t I be blinded by your radiance dear Lord? Jerome is a positive influence on me. I am grateful for his life of faith and dreams. When I heard him speak of how he wanted to apply to Harvard for med school and how he said after a few years he’d be rich, he’d hire June, I heard myself again, as Sam reminded me: “Hindi ako mamamatay na mahirap.”

I was that sure. I had that unwarranted conviction. I did not need reality to credit that it would come true. I am sure. My certainty came from I don’t know where. It’s just that I was so sure it was as if I were saying the colors of the rainbow in order are ROYGBIV. To me it was a fact. Why did I let it go?

Isn’t the Lord who created everything still my Father? I am more a human doing than a human being. I was always measuring myself according to my own standards of acceptability. I ascribe my importance to what I can do, not to who I am. I rarely thought of who I was. I will find myself in Him.

I must be so static and miserly. I’ve been trying to save for my own purposes. My mindset is being torn apart and reassembled like a puzzle piece. This is better than Janga, everything will work perfectly because it is God at work.