Promises are said to benefit your own image

25 July 2014

Usually, I am uneasy when my shoes are dirty. At this moment, I feel no such thing. I feel perfectly okay even when my shoes are dirty. 

I just heard the word kasaysayan over the radio. It holds more meaning than its English counterpart, history. History pertains to the story of man. Kasaysayan denotes happenings of the past that has meaning. As if it justifies that whatever occurs will have its meanng only when it has already happened. Only those that come true become meaningful, there is no other arena for the presentation of truth other than the reality where we are in today.

I hope I could become better at describing how wonderful each day You make is. I've been constantly running out of words. Since the past few days when prayer became so common and natural than something routine or a responsibility I should fulfill, my days have been much more. It evolved from being night and day, an obligatory passing of time you should make the best of. You know well that this would end. I do too. Hopefully, I can make the best of the ride.

For that, I owe You one story. The story goes that once there were 3 princesses in a magical kingdom. The oldest princess, Princess Coral, decided to go to a training camp on a faraway land to enhance her fighting skills, leaving the younger princesses to defend its people from monsters.

It has been observed by the kingdom's advisers that the forest creates a monster per month. To prevent these monsters from attacking the people at the same time, the kingdom's council formulated a system to lure only one monster out of the forest for a fight with one of the princesses. They assigned one of the chambermaids this monster regulation task. Chambermaid Bliss was designated to keep the monster within the forest until a princess is prepared to defeat it and to lure it to the battleground when a princess is ready to fight it off.

You would ask, why should the princesses fight these monsters? Don't they have knights and soldiers? Like all other kingdoms, they do have knights and soldiers, but only those with royal blood can successfully bring these monsters to rest.

But Bliss, with her other tasks, easily forgets or rather, opts to forget, the task of calling out these monsters out of the forest. Afterall, who would want to deal with monsters? Besides, chambermaids do no such things in other kingdoms. They only deal with routine house chores and help in monitoring the supplies of the kingdom and, because the castle hires a number of chambermaids, Bliss has plenty of working hours to spare for personal matters such as fitting on the princesses' clothes, filching off produce from the castle's silo, sampling all the dishes from the royal kitchen, gossiping and lording over other chambermaids and stable boys and, sleeping. These unobserved activities of hers are unknown to the council that they entrusted her with the menial and dangerous but nevertheless important task because for all her deficiencies. Let's simply say that Bliss is an expert in projecting an image among her superiors that evokes their trust.

The month of Fevrier was about to end. Princess Diamond said she would deal with monster Januar when she saw that Princess Cloud was gearing up for the fight with any of monsters Januar or Februar.

Monster Januar was a 20-foot two-sided scaly dragon. By two sided, Januar had no back. It had two faces, two chests, two arms and hands and two legs and feet. Januar looked like two dragons glued back to back. Its arms could bend to an L from the front or from the back, so could its knees. And at the end of its legs, though it only has a pair of feet, it runs both ways, 3 sets of curved black claws on the front and four webbed toes on the opposite side. And its four fingers that were spirally covered with nails are very agile, probably because of ball and socket joints. The downside was it has a poor sense of balance because it had no tail and without a backside, it does not have wings.

Februar didn't look anything like Januar. It had big eyes on its face. In fact it had no other facial feature other than its eyes which occupied 70% of its round head. Its skin was moist and slimy and though it has no nose or mouth, you could hear its raspy breathing. Or was it moaning? If there was no hunch on its back, it would have stood 50 feet tall. Februar was so bent over, his forehead almost touched his feet. He had no appendages but was cylindrical from its head down. Febrar had no neck.

The ochre Januar, tripped and fell flat on one of its faces. Februar was struck with a stone on each eye. It promptly died. Princess Cloud slayed monster Februar even before Princess Diamond decided to face monster Januar by poking her javelin spear on the sole of its right foot to its dying breath.

Soon it was Mars and, because Bliss was not diligent in leading the monster as she was directed, monster Marz came out of the forest as the council feared. That afternoon, Princess Cloud was out with her chestnut mare on the clearing south of the forest by Lake Nyakar. The charcoal-armored Marz was blazing orange and red and its beady eyes were located on where a human's ears would normally be. Princess Cloud led monster Marz to Lake Nyakar. Submerged, Marz crumbled into the pieces of fish feed it became shortly after.

It was already Mai, the 5th month, and it was almost over. On the north of the forest, from the castle, the residents could hear the hollering of monster Avril and the less menacing roars of the still developing monster Mayo. Princess Diamond may be ignoring these threats but Princess Cloud could not tolerate it anymore. She thought, it would be the 7th month when Princess Coral returns. This implies that Princess Cloud had already slain 2 of the three monsters she should be killing. From the last scroll Princess Coral sent, she promised Princess Cloud that she wouldn't have to deal with these monsters again because on her honor, she, Princess Coral, pledges to pursue monster-slaying. If Princess Coral killed monster Avril, that would mean monster Mayo and the still to be formed monster Juni should be Princess Diamond's responsibility. As the youngest princess, Princess Cloud informed Princess Diamond that she'll deal with Avril and leave the rest to her. Princess Diamond agreed.

Before it was the next day, Princess Cloud sent Avril eating dust after two swift blows before it had walked 3 feet away from the south edge of the forest.

Currently, it is the month of Julliet and Princess Coral is back, with a week-long merriment welcome from the entire kingdom. In the midst of the celebration, the still undead monsters Mayo and Juni attacked the town square. Mayo was a formless blob which stood five times the height of the tallest horse in the kingdom. Suddenly, Princess Diamond unsheathed the sword of her guard to face Mayo. Princess Coral made it her responsibility to lead the people to safety. Princess Cloud then had to shoulder the task of beckoning Juni back to the forest which, if you could still recall, should be accomplished by Bliss, who at the moment was petrified on the spot with the bread she was devouring one after the other as she kept enumerating its bad points fell off her mouth. It had been tough for the three princesses.

When Princess Cloud made it back to the castle, she was told that the council found her negligent of her duties as monster-slayer since the monster, Juni, was still alive. As Princess Cloud was leading Juni back to the forest with the intention of claiming its life, Juni knew of the trails in the forest better and was able to escape to its retreat where it nursed its fatal wound as it was ailing loudly.

This proof of its life was able to convince the council of Princess Cloud's laziness. It covered up the agreement between Princess Cloud and Princess Diamond that both monsters should be killed by Princess Diamond for their share of 3 monsters each. Princess Cloud also thought that killing Juni would be to Princess Diamond's dishonor and that would only bring Princess Diamond to a bad light. But because Princess Diamond killed Mayo before the kingdom though it was her duty to kill it a month ago, last Juin, the kingdom was impressed by her efficient battling ability and forgot that it should have died a month ago. And because Princess Cloud was with Juin and Princess Diamond already ended Mayo's life, the people were now expecting her to finish Juin off.

All the while, Princess Cloud held her tongue on the agreement between her and Princess Diamond since her sister did not even show signs that the agreement occured between them even on the private talk with their elder sister Princess Coral. Princess Diamond did not even defend her younger sister before any of her accusers all the while Princess Cloud thought of not exposing her negligence of her duties before anybody. Princess Diamond however thought of telling Princess Coral how Princess Cloud had always done Bliss' assignment. Princess Coral said she would, from now on, regulate the monsters and she made a list on a clay tablet of the division on monster-slaying. Princess Cloud knew that she would keep on fufilling Bliss' duty anyway as Princess Coral would be preoccupied with the dam construction. As opposed to Princess Coral's verbal pledge, only Princesses Diamond and Cloud would face the monsters alternately from the month of Juillet to Decembre. Then she said that among the three of them, there should be fairness before she said that each monster should be killed three weeks after the month it was created to which the assigned slayers agreed. The princess who would finish within the assigned period would be given a feast. The one who wouldn't finish the task on time would throw a ball.

After completing the tablet of the transaction, Princess Coral claimed the talisman of each dead monster from her sisters. Princess Diamond's two talismans were already on the table. Princess Cloud pulled from her pocket three talismans. She did not speak a word but was hoping that Princess Coral would notice how it was not fair that she had already killed three and was still expected to kill multi-headed, poison spewing serpent Juni and Juli after that because Princess Diamond would have her retreat on the month of Aout.

Is it fitting to end it this way or should it still be continued?

I suddenly felt like writing

25 July, 2014

Totoo pala na maaaring sabihin na ang ingay ng iba ay lalo pang lumulunod sa akin sa dagat ng katahimikan. Gustuhin ko mang isulat na “I could hear the wind that passes through rustling leaves” dahil ang ganda ng flow at ang nostalgic nung thought, di ko gagawin. Tatahimik lang ako at uupo sa sulok na pansamantala'y akin habang kinakausap ang sarili ko sa isip ko, kumbinsido na maririnig din nila (mga tao sa paligid) ako.

Anong pathetic naman ng paandar na ito. Parang hindi ako ang nagsulat. Kadalasan ang lisensya sa pagsulat ay nagiging lisensya rin para ma-tap ang pagkataong hindi naman sa'yo - mga katauhang sa isip mo lang mabubuhay. Dahil dyan pwede ko na ring ihalintulad ang utak sa sinapupunan. Maaari bang ang mga alaala ng hapdi at pait ay ihalintulad sa dugong itinakdang iluha ng buwanan ng sinapupunang walang kinakalingang binhi?

Sa pagsulat, walang censorship. Ito ang purong pag-agos ng kalayaan sa pagpapahayag. Pwede rin ang musika o ang sining ng kulay, anyo at espasyo.

Salamat ng marami sa kalayaang hatid ng pagbo-blog. Dito, maraming tao ang nagkakaroon ng alternate lives at nagagawang ma-release, ma-relieve or temporarily ay isantabi ang pressures ng tunay nilang mga sitwasyon. Maari mong ma-reflect dito ang mga values na nagawa mong ma-compromise in real life para ma-appease mo ang sarili mo na pinanindigan mo ang mga paniniwala mo. Tibay! Nagawa ng paniniwala na gambalain ang katahimikan mo at kumbinsihin kang ang budhi ay makapangyayari.

Gamitin natin ang halimbawang inyong kagya`t na malalaman sa mga susunod na pangungusap. Mayroon kang dating kaklase. Ka-eskwela mo sa elementary ng matagal-tagal rin, mga mula grade 3 o baka grade 4 hanggang sa elem graduation nung grade 6 o grade 7 kung exclusive yung school mo dahil di pa k+12 nung panahon mo. May ilang taon na rin kayong di nagkikita o nagkakausap. The last time you met was nung yung classmate nyo nung elem ay umuwi sa Pinas from Italy. And before that, the last thing you heard about her was that nabuntis sya bago kayo gumraduate sa same high school na pinasukan nyo pareho kaso magkaiba kayo ng section. Tapos bigla kang naka-receive ng fb pm na nabuntis na naman pala sya sa kanyang 3rd child within less than a year after nyong huling magkita at nang lagay na yun pre-school pa lang ang panganay nya. Humihingi sya ng tulong na sana raw ay i-help mo sya dahil may congenital disease si baby at mataas ang chances of dying. Padala ka naman ng 1000 sa account ng mama nya dahil sa isip mo, "Minsan lang naman ito." Next thing you know, invited kang ninang sa binyag nung baby. Nawala sa isip mo ang invitation at di ka nakadalo. Ikaw pa ay nasisi, "Ikaw kasi eh, di ka pumunta. Di ka tuloy naging ninang."

Matagal-tagal ka ring walang narinig sa kanya. Aminin mo ring nakalimutan mo na rin sila. Out of the blue, bigla ka nyang tinext, emergency daw. Kinukulit ka ng bonggang-bongga. Si baby daw sinugod sa PCMC. Pahiram naman daw ng 3500, kahit patubuan mo pa raw. Sure raw na makakabayad. Nagbigay pa ng date at source ng pambayad. Ikaw naman, si tipid tipid sarili, pinagkatiwala si budget mo kasi di mo pa nga naman kailangan at saka maibabalik naman daw nya agad within one week. Pumayag ka. Tindi pa nga ng abala mo sa pagpapadala sa Cebuana kasi kailangan nga pala ng ID at nabitin pa yung perang pampadala mo. A total of 3 times kang nagpabalik-balik bago mo napadala sa kanya. Nga pala, humirit pa sya na 4000 na raw. Take note, madaling araw na tapos kung maka-pressure ng call at text wagas. Two days after, pahiram naman daw ng 1500 lang na pambili ng dugo. Sabi mo, "2000 na lang pera ko eh tapos 2 weeks after pa ako sasahod." Please lang naman daw oh kailangan lang at naging vivid sa isip mo kung paanong somehow nakaatang sa iyo ang buhay nung baby. "Tao yun, pera lang yan." A total of 5760 ang nawala sa yo.

Araw ng bayaran. Ikaw pa ang naunang magtext sa kanya. Hapon na kasi wala man lang kahit isang text message samantalang init ang cellphone mo nung araw na nanghihiram sya sa pagflood ng messages at calls. Kinabukasan, maagang-maaga pa lang tinawagan mo yung globe number nya, andami nung number na pinangtext sa yo eh. Walang sumasagot. Tinapon na yata yung sim nya. Tinawagan mo yung smart naman na nalaman mo lang na smart pala nung naputol yung call mo dahil naubos na yung load mo nakaunli ka pa naman. To your surprise lalaki ang sumagot at di pa ito ang asawa nya. Friend nya daw ang sabi. Number nya raw yun at nakitext lang si ex-classmate. Ang bagal pa sumagot ni kuya kaya mas nakakapag-init pa ng ulo kasi parang nag-uuto-utuan. "Bopols na yun," naisip mo nung naputol na ang tawag kahit pa malamang nga ganon sya sumagot sa mga stranger na tumatawag sa phone nya ng 5am. Ang manggagantso ni classmate!

"Don't jump into conclusions," suweto mo sa sarili. Nagtext din naman sya ng bagong date. Di kalaunan tumawag naman sya nang after ng deadline na sabi nya dahil lang ikaw ang unang nangulit at, dahil di sya nagreply sa unang 30 messages mo ay nagsend ka na ng maanghang na SMS dahil di pa sya nagbabayad. Bagong deadline na uli, kapag daw nabenta na ang lupa nila sa bestfriend mo nung elementary. Ganun uli, nung bayaran na, tahimik lang hangga't di mo hinahagupit ng masakit na messages. "Kapag dumating na pension ni mama." Wala pa rin. More than a month na. Sarili mo namang nanay ang nangangailangn ng 20000.

Binigay mo ang remaining 5000 sa savings mo. Maintaining balance lang ang naiwan. Pinuntahan ng nanay mo sa probinsya ang bahay ni classmate sa probinsya rin. Nagsabi ka kasi na maniningil ka na di ba? 'Nanay mo nanghihiram for you, nanay ko ang maniningil senyo,' dahilan mo. Sabi ng nanay mo, pinalayas sya ng nanay nya sa bahay. Baka pinagtatakpan lang and stuff. Syempre galit ka. Last night kasi nag-Pm ka sa fb sabay attach ng remittance receipt. Sinabi mo pang di mo sya dinadaya sa sinisingil mo. Kakagalit talaga! Gusto mong ipangalandakan sa page nya na ang manloloko nya pero subtle pa rin: Salamat sa pagtuturo sa akin na wag pagkatiwalaan ang mga tulad mo.

Yun dapat ang gagawin mo. Pero di mo gagawin. Simula kasi nung nakapagtrabaho ka na di ka nakakapag-tithes. Kahit kinukulit ka na ng nanay mo na mangutang at ayaw mong gawin dahil nakakahiya, di mo gagawin. Tapos di ka pa pala sasahod dahil di pa ayos yung kontrata mo. Hindi pa rin ba? Naniningil na ang Diyos, may patubo pang sama ng loob. Lift all of those up gaya ng offering that He demands. Give what He wants the way He wants it. "Sige na, hihinahon na ako. My better judgment knows na I would not regret virtally humiliating her in public kahit mas masahol pa yun sa actual na pag-eeskandalo sabay bawi, 'She's not worth my anger at I am willing to give up.' Pag sinabing give up, pataas ang gana nun. I am giving it all up to You, the way You told me not to fret about my progress, my future and whatever there is beyond death."Aba at nagdadasal ka na pala. Sa mga sandaling ito ng buhay mo, naaalala mong kinakausap mo nga pala Sya madalas na parang wala lang.

Di ko po maatim ang lasa ng lunch ko today pero bigay Nyo to sa akin kaya kakainin ko pero sana next time yung masarap naman po. 

Bakit po ganito itong printer, ayaw makisama, dagdag sa init ng ulo ko kasi namin hindi basta maintindihan ng iba na taga-command lang ako na mag-print yung file at hindi ko na kontrolado ang pag-iinarte ng printer. 

Muntik na ako dun Lord ha! Buti tayong dalawa lang ang nakakita ng pagka-tisod ko. Tinatawanan mo na naman ako ano? Ikaw kaya, paano Ka madapa? Mapapagtawanan ba Kita kapag nangyari yun? 

Alam ko pong late na naman ako pero thank You po kasi ang daming pogi sa bus na sinasakyan ko. 

May tumangay ng personalized wallet ko. Buti po di ko nilagay dun lahat ng sahod ko. Sana magampanan ng nawala kong pinakamamahal na wallet ang katuparan ng Inyong will.

Napuno ng tiwala ang iyong pagkatao. Wala ka nang paki kung nagoyo ka man nung dati mong kaklase. Ang nakikita mo lang may big picture at ang nangyari fits that perfectly. Nagkaroon ng purpose. Nabuhay ang paniniwala. Malay mo ba kung gusto talaga nyang magbayad wala lang pambayad at mahina ang loob para mangutang ng pambayad utang? Baka magbabayad naman talaga sya. Pero iba iba number tapos di nagrereply at di truthful mga statements. Huwag umasa ng ganyan. Ipag-pray na lang kay Lord na maging sagana sya. Pag nagkaganon, nakatulong ka sa kanya at di na sya manghihiram pa from you ever again.

Biglang nadama mo na maganda ang lahat ng mga bagay at ang sarap mabuhay dahil mahirap maging buhay at kailangang pagpursigihan ang pagiging buhay, hindi sya static o pinalalampas lang. Ang buhay ay talagang dapat minamaster at hindi sapat ang isang araw o ilang buong taon para matutuhan ang pagiging buhay.

May mga nagsasabi na dress rehearsal lang daw ang life as we now know it. Kung ganun, dapat na talaga akong magpaka-diligent sa pag-try ng iba't ibang paraan ng paggawa ng mga bagay-bagay na hindi natatakot na magkamali o nangingilag sa sasabihin ng iba. Time is running and any of those yet to come would be my last. Darating talaga ako sa puntong yun. Kaya habang may oras pa, live everyday differently. Tipong magsuklay ng pikit, magtoothbrush using your less dominant hand, try wearing latex gloves sa isang kamay na walang assistance nung opposite hand. Ganun. Yes, ang dyahe kasi there's an easier way to do it pero sometimes, nakakabore to do your daily routine the same way you've always done it. Maano bang subukan mo sa paraang di mo pa nagagawa? Mapapaisip ka pa bukod sa fun sya kapag namamali ka kasi mapagtatawanan mo ang sarili mo.

Primum non nocere

18 July 2013

Plenty are the things a person could do each day. And here I am dreading how I have nothing to do for the day. That is not true but that is how I felt like. There are things for me to do but I do not consider them necessary or even something that would contribute to society, anything that would be of help for the Philippine economy, with the PSEI going down last Tuesday and the attainment of justice and world peace. Sheeshhh..

The detached feeling sent me to sleep for three hours mid-day. That’s so unfair for me to get too much sleep for what major chore but sleeping? Psychological guilt pancakes in a stack swarming with honey. Honeyed guilt. Ah. That void is annoying. I was happy before I knew that it existed. There inside me when I looked all I could see was darkness and emptiness. Now, it became inevitable for me to not return for it and it always ends the same, me rushing out of that void into the outside, grappling at whatever material source of overstimulation for distraction, hoping that such material or comfort indulgence would make the void disappear, maybe not for real, but at least from my consciousness. It didn’t.

Slowly, my previous employment makes sense. I could see that I really was in the wrong. I’ve lost control over myself. I could’ve blamed myself as easily as I always do but I didn’t that time. It felt as if it really was supposed to end up that way, that however plenty the possibilities of those days exists, the eventuality would still be as what is history now. Sam recounts to me how because she is nervous with her studies, she cannot concentrate, she feels sleepy and she experiences lots of psychosomatic aches. I would’ve scoffed at her for sharing that with me before, even make her regret that she told me that because I would point out that she was just being lazy and that she was just finding excuses to not do what needs to be done. That would not happen again. I’ve been there. I know that feeling of being put on the spot where every preparation and even will is overshadowed by fear and doubt. Lack of trust in ourselves makes us feel that way. For that I am thankful that I fell hard. I could now make myself a better listener to Sam. I could offer her more empathy. The awareness of self-resistance through experience exists.

And here I see myself, always letting the weakest of oppositions to stop my tracks. Shouldn’t I test it first? Surely there are some that I could knock down. These useless fears would get me nowhere. I was talking then to Charmaine when I realized how I am such a wimp, capitalizing the barriers there are for things that I could’ve done, avoiding that path instead of conquering them. Realization of the day: I am such a wimp. I’d be too stupid to keep being a wimp after I discovered that I am such. Thank you for this other day to walk away from being easily frangible.

Sam and I could talk about our weaknesses now and laugh at them together. The thread that binds us is getting stronger. I treasure what we have more and am committed to praying that we are not to break it. She discusses how unsure she is that even if she knows that what she does is right, she still has to ask someone before she rests the case.  I told her I find that as insecure that is why I failed my previous team because I and a team member would reach an understanding wherein I feel I understood what was explained to me as the team member meant it to be understood only to find later on that I had been assuming all along and have already acted contrary to what they meant. Uhuh. Complicated!

I have not closed my doors on the possibility of my applying as a medical technologist in Aramco. But that would have to wait. I am young. I have to try all possibilities before I settle down on a job that would earn me lots of money. I just hope that we get to pay our bills now. Issues concerning bills payment disturb me. Father works hard. Mother works hard. Sam and I are not biggie spenders, we actually know how to save. Why this state of affairs? Why this stench of poverty and curtailment?

There’s this fear too. I have been guarding my heart too much. I keep my material desires far at bay. I keep myself from the rest of the world if in any way I would have to spend money. That’s how much money dictates my life. I adjust my world according to it. I live according to what I currently have. I hold on to money tightly, just to make sure I would have enough for the days to come. I make sure it’s spread so thinly even at my expense. 

Now that I start to do away with that frame of mind, I am scared too. What if I had gone too greedy? What if I became too driven by materialism? What if all I wanted was earthly riches I lost on all the important things that I should place my eyes on? 

These are its dangers but I am willing to risk it. I am being led to the world of possibilities, away from my this-is-what-I-have-and-I-am-contented-with-this cage. I have my life coach. He says, see the world and all its boundaries. I am starting to and in my gut, unquantifiable motley of emotions pulsate. There is excitement at how large the world is and how many different people there are. Lots of people to meet, exciting, energetic lively people! How large the world is and how inadequately I know anything about it and how I have already forgotten most of what I had already learned and how much harder it is to retain anything in my mind. I’m discombobulated! I am humbled by my helplessness yet grateful of how I still live and how favorable my conditions are though the world is intricately harsh and nurturing. (Earth as a mother knows tough love.)

The exponential growth of possibilities in a single second is exhilarating! I’m partly glad and regretful that I wouldn’t get to live all those possibilities. I have to choose one and still that doesn’t mean what I’ve chosen would be right in the long run or that my decision would lead to the particular result I have in mind. The uncertainties are competitively varied too!

Why do I feel that it’s my first time to see the world when I remember thinking these same thoughts when I was younger? (Minus the worry and fear of course. Back then, all I thought was that I would always inevitably win and that I would never be hated by anyone. It was an obstacle-free dream. Now all I see are the obstacles. Ugh!)

Yelp

15 July 2013

Ideas of self-destruction would never work. They never will. I would not straighten an iron bar by banging my head to it. Why is the gnawing sound of self-defeat so loud! In its noise, I will be deaf and will only imagine the sound of real laughter.

And what do I do? I screen suck and forget that I have to eat, that I have to cook food and that there are other things I could wallow on other than how completely free I am to do anything I wanted without knowing what it is that I wanted. The truth of job security and the necessity for employment is driving at me.

For years I’ve been living with I think. I’ve grown strong and independent with I think, too independent, cold and prideful. Now I’ve reverted to theI feel side, a trial, for a change. What have I got but discredit for using I feel and scalding insults for I think, I cannot trust either side of me and I’ve been too hurt.

Today hurt alternates as fear or arrogance. Every minute nuance triggered the emergence of meanness from me. I read somewhere that squeezed orange produces orange juice, that who we really are is what comes out when we are pressured. So what am I, like, worse than the wimpy kid? How could I detox in the literal sense where I could have the poison in my blood drained?

I want to live with a smile on my face for the humor that is in everything which I still see but cannot light my eyes up. I want to trust again, that whatever I see now would all fade away for something more glorious. I have to live day by day where the battle could be affected by me. I want to live with the belief that hey, it was not me all along. I’ve been led to a new level of helplessness and I am out of my wits about how would I be able to help others when I can’t even help myself. Utter helplessness is my surroundings now as my feet falls concertedly on the hollowness of the tiled, trite and washed out hallway. 

May May

21 May 2014

I wish there were something more for me to read on this trip. You were absolutely right when You told me that I should keep on reading. I pray that I do have more energy to keep up with this bidding.

24 May 2014

I could write fantasies but I know how it would all end - with me remaining unhappy and as empty as I was before I started. Shouldn't boredom, pain and being trapped render the imagination restless? It did but only to my unease.

What did the book of non-resistance say? Laissez-faire. Boredom is good. Like everything else, it would pass. The passing of time makes boredom fester not fade. Tap tap tap I go. One day, today rather, breathing would come easy and something to be grateful for. 

Stagnation

02 March 2014

Would the fourth try be the final one? It's been three times that I've strung out sentences no one got to read. In a maudlin perspective, why would my written communication differ from my oral one? No one wants to hear them out. What a fallacy that sentiment is! Everyone who has something to say is worth listening to.

Previously, I typed out how my Sunday is beautiful because of the type of peace I am enjoying. It is of the kind that was not borne of boredom but simply exists in itself as much as a bubble bursts into nothing we can see. The peace I enjoy is not the I'm-done-with-my-chores variant but that of a bird-forgotten-because-it-is-rare type. It simply knocked on a window I wasn't aware was long ago there. It will leave when it does. When it would be back is a surprise.

I postponed writing for a while since I have nothing worth typing. I see evil but I refuse to speak of it. I cannot keep myself from seeing selfishness and self-serving lifestyles. As I see, so do I judge. In my mind, I was a self-appointed judge passing out my verdict. That was sinning right there. I resist acknowledging that my heart has concocted hideous thoughts. I refuse to let them escape my lips. My voice would not be the embodiment of sinful thinking. These thoughts have been tagged, labeled and released, the same way endangered wildlife are treated. The difference is that they visit me more often and sooner than expected and we didn't meet for tea and cakes; we wrestle. "You have already sinned by thinking ill in your mind, what difference would its proclamation be? You know very well that we will torment you until you speak up."

And so did they. Keeping my head from prattling off expends excessive energy. Silence is exhausting but when there is no good to what I want to say, speaking is not an option. Speech is not my agent for bloodshed so I do not speak at that state or I’d end up scathing everyone around me with my tongue. I also try not to be a fool who believes a person's words that are negated by the person's actions. So help me God!

Bernadette in TBBT could have absolved herself for taking the pair of donated boots with, "It's okay, I serve soup to homeless people!" Still, doing good or keeping oneself from doing bad is no ticket to undermine other people’s weakness to temptation much more a discount deal which permits the subscriber to sin when the circumstances get too tempting.

The Lord has, in His blatant subtlety, presented me beauty. What have I but a pair of naked eyes that could not forego a neighbor's selfishness? What could measure the might of Jesus' blood which renders the all-seeing eyes of God to see us as blameless and pure?

Hope is another extravagant commodity I purchase. My mind does not rest in reasoning for other people's shortcomings. Formulating altruistic reasons behind acts of concentrated selfihness and insiduous wickedness takes a heavy toll. A road end is reached when, though I am certain of the wickedness of the act, it remains integrated and intact - a mechanism that runs the world. A distressing heartache it is. During these times it is easy to denounce the wonder and the magic there is in not knowing. For this You exact from me something I do not trust I could produce - faith.

Rest Will Come

06 August 2014

What would become of the things we write about?

The lieutenant had been a simple biology major without a shred of politics in him says Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. There, that information had been in a book read by the characters. Facts within fiction. If these were facts, how would the author of that book within the story conclude that about the lieutenant? They had no chances of meeting face to face or there could be. But these descriptions, even if having been written wasn’t conclusive proof, were those that are left behind before you close your eyes to dance beneath the covers of your eyelids until you transition into the state of sleep.

Sneak Typing

05 August 2014

We want to write dearly but there are no chances to do so. When the days have passed by and you feel like nothing matters, there is no purpose for all of these and all else, there is something missing in you. It is only imperative that you take action.

Time is an ocean whose waves I cannot ride. I only stay there afloat or not. I cannot be in sync with it. I do try, really. I cannot drown by my own will. Leaving this endless ocean would not be of my choosing. I will only be there being thrashed around by the wind and washed by saline water. I would want to give up but it is not even among the choices. I cannot stay under the sea, I cannot swim. I cannot float above it. This causes me to think that I was cast for this role, forever struggling to attain a certain ideal I could never achieve. So this is how it would be to die trying.

When other people have already opened not only doors and windows but walls and roofs, it makes those who continuously fail to wonder what else is missing, especially when everything seems to be made right for them. They have the materials and health but why are they so different? Why can they not escape the description of themselves as losers? Is it really that bad to lose? To continuously fail? To continuously not be able to be rewarded for something painstakingly achieved? To work that hard for nothing but the sake of trying? What’s the point? When these thoughts are your thoughts, what has become of you? What have you become?

The endless search and asking has somehow sapped out mental energies. You keep thinking how should things be? What are the ideals when you have worked hard to achieve a certain state only to see from that newly achieved perspective that what you thought as ideal is naught but emptiness - utterly undesirable?

A back becomes turned and the march goes on to a beat that the heart cannot match, a direction the mind doesn’t understand. Confusion is a state we can all be free of where indecisiveness, a poison which lets us live half-lives of the lives which we should be living, becomes nonexistent.

Weekend

28 May 2014

‘Twas past 5 in the morning as my phone’s digital clock said. The meal I was about to have awaits me until after I have finished preparing it.

Rice first. Scoop from a yellow sack three gantas of raw milled rice. Go through the notions of washing them. Don’t wash them too much, they lose their nutrients. Do wash them well or they’ll spoil faster. 

Washing’s done as I strain with my cupped left hand rice wash water. To leave rice on the stove as I bathe is not a practical option. Stove’s tricky to use in cooking, it cannot thrive on divided attention or I’ll ingest, masticate and digest the consequences. I don’t look forward to eating burned rice as I did last night. The rice went out white and warm, without a hint of burning this morning.

The saucepan’s being heated. So is the residue oil from the cook out not past 8 hours ago. Salted chicken legs are swathed in scrambled raw egg, pre-seasoned with more salt and fine black pepper. They dive but barely move in a shallow food keeper where they were shaken with bread crumbs. Oil’s fizzing hot, in the chicken goes while I, get oil bombs. They are very adept at hitting me as I hide from them. How sentient and precise those burning oil droplets were! Suffer for beauty has been uttered, so I daresay, suffer for cooked food.

The mistake I committed is very clear to me as I leave the room after my bath. Chicken drumstick’s black. The stove’s knob was subsequently turned counterclockwise to OFF. I brought above the still hot coils the melted honey and margarine leftover from the last dish I had.

I hoped it wouldn’t beg for salt as last night’s batch did. I ate all five of those mentioned glazed chicken in one sitting. Still, it explained via my palate how Bonchon was able to render a shiny edible patina on their fried chicken.

Alas, I had burnt chicken glaze atop charred fried chicken skin for a delayed breakfast. In the bus, I turn my emotions off, the candy crush maneuver setting it. Emotions are now off, another day’s just being geared on.

The workplace bundy informed me I was 2 minutes shy of being late. Put my hair on a bun before I get into the lab. For a change, my bladder demanded that it needed voiding out. What an exciting source of variety!

After breakfast at the workplace, I work. I work and work. I don’t stop to unwind or to take it easy. I moved and moved as if my very breath depended on it. If I stopped, I felt like I would drop dead. Working is my life now. There has been no life apart from work. It has been the most effective distraction from the unsettling worry and unending anxiety. For months now, it no longer is my anodyne. It is now a prescription drug I keep on taking to my own demise. I thought the anxiety, the emptiness and the injustice and their resulting anger camouflaged in sadness could not get worse. It did.

I’m back to square one, that pitch black space that stretches far and wide. That void is a square, my attempt to set boundaries on that unlimited and incompletely explored place, applying a bit of unverified definition to that wherein nothing could be certain. My being there in particular is not certain. What if I’m only postulating that it existed?

It was all empty save for pain. Pain is not an emotion, it is a sensation. It won’t leave.

It wasn’t being like somebody else that I wanted. I do not envy that some get by with doing very much less than little yet receiving more than all that I’ve worked for years to gain in wealth. I do not envy that others spend the time allotted for work to enjoy themselves at the cost of not fulfilling their responsibility other than it being printed in paper and reflected in their pay checks, while I labor to no end that every mark on my accomplishment report was not born of ink but by blood. I do not envy the beneficiaries of a system that rewards indolence and gross selfish abusiveness and grants impunity to the indolent but charismatic. The resonant scab of pain wasn’t for indignation on injustice; life’s not fair.

I will tell you what I envy: I am here, by myself, all but an onlooker on the intimacy among peoples. It stings. It is that openness and respect and ease of being before another person that I envy.

And, the zombies of my communication skills became vivacious: How would I rest assured when my conversations are either imperatives or I am discounted even before I speak because all other people want is to be listened to and to emerge as right? How would I speak my mind when I am met by an applause of silence, a waterfall of non-response and even a legion of ridicule? Even before I speak I am made to feel that I am wrong and do not deserve to be listened to. My ego can only carry on speaking to people in support of their need to be right for a time, not ALWAYS. I CAN’T ALWAYS GIVE. REPLENISH ME TOO. Why would I talk my thoughts out loud when talking to myself in my head is filled with unquestionably less rejection? So I tread on the polite interrogative or that honest or factual declarative and watch intimacy sweep the lives of everyone around me. I will laugh at their laughter and keep wondering when it would come when I am not alone but when I am together with someone, anyone, without being a burden. I do feel the unease of other people when they talk to me. When would it be us instead of them then me? Intimacy will keep on sweeping by me. When would it sweep me?

The day keeps on getting by, it is persistent.

The metal edge of the cupboard door slams between my eye. I thank the Lord I didn’t fall off the chair I was standing on when I was struck.

I burned my viand. I thank the Lord I had something to burn as I cooked as it is extremely difficult to burn water.

I was eating before my workmates undercover as I munch on blackened chicken. I thank the Lord only my viand was burnt and the rice wasn’t charred.

Both my shoulders are heavy and tensed from working. I thank God I feel pain on my shoulders and its adjacent back muscles, I have arms and shoulders to sense pain from than not to feel pain from them because I do not have them.

I’ve been told that what I am toiling for has no purpose at all. Detecting O antigen suspects for diarrhegenic E.coli is futile in outbreaks unless they are EHEC suspects. Identifying E.coli serotypes simply doesn’t count – it is not reported, barely few people now it, those who know it ignore and forget it, those who are infected by it get better without treatment, treatment for E.coli morbidities are argued as similar and nobody even uses this data for research purposes. What am I doing it for then? I thank the Lord I am doing faithfully utterly pointless things, I can tell Him in prayers that I have been faithful.

I am very tired already from having to work hard. I thank God I have work that gives me pay for what I do and He has given me an opportunity to be faithful.

My mom asks me for money and if I give her the amount she needs, I’ll have nothing more left. I thank the Lord He lifts my selfishness off that I could give to my mother without holding back. Now I could sit back and watch Him provide for me beyond what my strength has conferred me.

I hate the Lord because a lot of people are debilitated by emotional pain and suffering and that I strongly and deeply feel sad for them. I thank the Lord that I can be honest with Him. I thank Him because I can lift my eyes away from my suffering to see the suffering of other people.

I pass by Quirino to witness teenage kids sitting on the sidewalk, backs on me, as they bathe. I think that I should be grateful I have the privacy to bathe on a bathroom replete with its conveniences but I do not feel grateful. I feel guilty for not being grateful. I thank the Lord I have a morally vigilant conscience, I will hesitate to sin even in thought.

It has been extremely difficult for me to be at ease and to be happy. I thank the Lord that I am alive to feel this way.

I cannot see the reason why I keep on living day by day when I live to a new day where I will only bleed more. Why can’t I just die now? I thank the Lord He has a plan for His own purposes and I am but some transitory puff of breath exhaled to play a part in it.

I live daily either in terrible emotional pain or in a pit of empty existence. I thank the Lord that all things pass. This too shall pass.