Primum non nocere

18 July 2013

Plenty are the things a person could do each day. And here I am dreading how I have nothing to do for the day. That is not true but that is how I felt like. There are things for me to do but I do not consider them necessary or even something that would contribute to society, anything that would be of help for the Philippine economy, with the PSEI going down last Tuesday and the attainment of justice and world peace. Sheeshhh..

The detached feeling sent me to sleep for three hours mid-day. That’s so unfair for me to get too much sleep for what major chore but sleeping? Psychological guilt pancakes in a stack swarming with honey. Honeyed guilt. Ah. That void is annoying. I was happy before I knew that it existed. There inside me when I looked all I could see was darkness and emptiness. Now, it became inevitable for me to not return for it and it always ends the same, me rushing out of that void into the outside, grappling at whatever material source of overstimulation for distraction, hoping that such material or comfort indulgence would make the void disappear, maybe not for real, but at least from my consciousness. It didn’t.

Slowly, my previous employment makes sense. I could see that I really was in the wrong. I’ve lost control over myself. I could’ve blamed myself as easily as I always do but I didn’t that time. It felt as if it really was supposed to end up that way, that however plenty the possibilities of those days exists, the eventuality would still be as what is history now. Sam recounts to me how because she is nervous with her studies, she cannot concentrate, she feels sleepy and she experiences lots of psychosomatic aches. I would’ve scoffed at her for sharing that with me before, even make her regret that she told me that because I would point out that she was just being lazy and that she was just finding excuses to not do what needs to be done. That would not happen again. I’ve been there. I know that feeling of being put on the spot where every preparation and even will is overshadowed by fear and doubt. Lack of trust in ourselves makes us feel that way. For that I am thankful that I fell hard. I could now make myself a better listener to Sam. I could offer her more empathy. The awareness of self-resistance through experience exists.

And here I see myself, always letting the weakest of oppositions to stop my tracks. Shouldn’t I test it first? Surely there are some that I could knock down. These useless fears would get me nowhere. I was talking then to Charmaine when I realized how I am such a wimp, capitalizing the barriers there are for things that I could’ve done, avoiding that path instead of conquering them. Realization of the day: I am such a wimp. I’d be too stupid to keep being a wimp after I discovered that I am such. Thank you for this other day to walk away from being easily frangible.

Sam and I could talk about our weaknesses now and laugh at them together. The thread that binds us is getting stronger. I treasure what we have more and am committed to praying that we are not to break it. She discusses how unsure she is that even if she knows that what she does is right, she still has to ask someone before she rests the case.  I told her I find that as insecure that is why I failed my previous team because I and a team member would reach an understanding wherein I feel I understood what was explained to me as the team member meant it to be understood only to find later on that I had been assuming all along and have already acted contrary to what they meant. Uhuh. Complicated!

I have not closed my doors on the possibility of my applying as a medical technologist in Aramco. But that would have to wait. I am young. I have to try all possibilities before I settle down on a job that would earn me lots of money. I just hope that we get to pay our bills now. Issues concerning bills payment disturb me. Father works hard. Mother works hard. Sam and I are not biggie spenders, we actually know how to save. Why this state of affairs? Why this stench of poverty and curtailment?

There’s this fear too. I have been guarding my heart too much. I keep my material desires far at bay. I keep myself from the rest of the world if in any way I would have to spend money. That’s how much money dictates my life. I adjust my world according to it. I live according to what I currently have. I hold on to money tightly, just to make sure I would have enough for the days to come. I make sure it’s spread so thinly even at my expense. 

Now that I start to do away with that frame of mind, I am scared too. What if I had gone too greedy? What if I became too driven by materialism? What if all I wanted was earthly riches I lost on all the important things that I should place my eyes on? 

These are its dangers but I am willing to risk it. I am being led to the world of possibilities, away from my this-is-what-I-have-and-I-am-contented-with-this cage. I have my life coach. He says, see the world and all its boundaries. I am starting to and in my gut, unquantifiable motley of emotions pulsate. There is excitement at how large the world is and how many different people there are. Lots of people to meet, exciting, energetic lively people! How large the world is and how inadequately I know anything about it and how I have already forgotten most of what I had already learned and how much harder it is to retain anything in my mind. I’m discombobulated! I am humbled by my helplessness yet grateful of how I still live and how favorable my conditions are though the world is intricately harsh and nurturing. (Earth as a mother knows tough love.)

The exponential growth of possibilities in a single second is exhilarating! I’m partly glad and regretful that I wouldn’t get to live all those possibilities. I have to choose one and still that doesn’t mean what I’ve chosen would be right in the long run or that my decision would lead to the particular result I have in mind. The uncertainties are competitively varied too!

Why do I feel that it’s my first time to see the world when I remember thinking these same thoughts when I was younger? (Minus the worry and fear of course. Back then, all I thought was that I would always inevitably win and that I would never be hated by anyone. It was an obstacle-free dream. Now all I see are the obstacles. Ugh!)