Team Meetings are Psychedelic

27 March 2013

I decided to write that if you want a buzz, it’s better for you to swap souls with me for a moment while I am in our team meeting. The amount I charge would be cheap for the light-headedness that comes with it.  My mind at that moment goes blank. It’s rare for me to have a blank mind but every time we are in a team meeting, it just becomes empty, as if I am barred access to it.

Because of the different physiologic changes I’ve experienced lately, I decided to take multivitamins. Maybe I am experiencing iron deficiency anemia and I cannot think optimally because I do not receive enough oxygen to support brain function. My grandfather came to mind. I cannot imagine him weeping when he learned that I was getting thinner since I started with my job. I’m barely 40kg now. I eat more than I usually do but I metabolize food faster and I sleep for two hours a day.

Today was a day of discovery. I actually am finished with the leaflet I started at about the same time as the bulletin. It was along the same line as winning the lottery jackpot. Our team leader confirmed that I was a factor in my immediate supervisor’s decision to not extend his contract. I’m sorry if I was too dumb for him. I didn’t mean to. He stressed me out too.

Micai’s in Hongkong now. It must be work-related. Grace would’ve met up with me yesterday but we didn’t meet up. Spent that time writing to Ling and Cze instead.

I experienced how it is as the Bible tells of a prominent powerful king who grazed like an animal in the forest for seven years as prophesied before he rose to greater power. I was at the height of celebrating my intellectual capacities. I fell so bad. I entertained the thought that I wasn’t smart and that I should come back home and work for the government in a desk job where I receive more dignity from my workmates though I am not challenged to improve.

Nothing makes sense anymore, all things do not keep a single color; they keep changing. I get more befuddled than I already am. Before I could endorse any output, everyone should’ve approved of it. Even if that meant five people, that’s a lot. Though they tell to your face, “It’s your call,” they won’t approve of it unless it carries the suggestions they pointed out. How crazy is that? And for every output or letter or form of communication except for calls and SMS, I had to do, someone has to check it first. What’s more, I cannot demand their time immediately. Paul has his own work to do. I can’t wait for him forever. My immediate supervisor is away most of the time, how could I discuss with him the outputs we’re supposed to present? About their personalities, there is no question that all of them are good and sharp people. My issues lie on the untold rules, skirted protocols, extra safety nets, public relations set-up. It’s not as simple as going to school, doing your homework and submitting it to a teacher who explains fairly clearly what it is that they want from you. There you only please two people – yourself and your teacher and the tunes you have to play by are in a score sheet you have. Now it’s different. I consult five people separately and beg for a piece of their attention. If this were the family atmosphere I grew up in, I must be incarcerated or taking extended rehab sessions by 15. They may not see it but they have imposed rigid rules on me. They were metaphorically forcing me to paddle my canoe in five distinct rivers at the same time.

I also am trying to respect these peoples’ time by not calling unto them by any means more than twice a day for a single matter. They do not respond as promptly as I need and I cannot proceed because I have to wait for their feedback first. That is the critical boundary line for me. I don’t know when they’re free for consultation that I would receive an immediate response or when I should not contact them at all.

They’ve been putting up with me these past three months. Could I bear the pressure for 9 more months? We’re both at pains just so I could learn. I am faced with a question on myself: Could I really fill in the responsibilities of an efficient research assistant?

The Thenardiers

5 March 2013

I thought then that only Alice when she was in Wonderland can drown in her own tears. Les Miserables proved to me that I am not only capable of producing tears; I can die of choking from too much of them. I will not attribute all of it to the film. It must be the signal that triggered the outburst of my repressed sadness.

There was more reason for me to cry last night when mom was in anguish. I didn’t. I slept like a baby, I didn’t even pray.

My perspective of the world was brighter today (compared to days of last week). I was able to fully appreciate the non-sepia hue of the surroundings, and remind myself of the marvel of the first tree I see each day. Its branches were cut off recently, it had no leaves but it has recovered and is again sprouting green bouquets. I found tranquil in the layering of stones; how they were spread through a stretch of soil. I can sing and sing not from desperation but sing, heralding the world with cheer. I sense the breeze when it blows and know that it is a caress of care and hope.

I also found out that I was right. June and Paul were sheltering me from work. They do not want to overburden me. They are very considerate. I hope I was reciprocating their consideration. I can only wonder at that; I would not ask them directly.

June had a cameo in Kapuso Mo Jessica Soho aired yesterday. Paul recounted to me the scenes. From his narrative, it came to me that even current affairs programs (supposedly balanced, realistic and unbiased) romanticize matters much like a tabloid which presents only those which have a sensational appeal. News suddenly became scripted drama when originally it had an aseptic air.

Les Miserables did not adhere de facto to the novel. It surprised me that my favorite characters in the film were Eponine, Javert, Gavroche, the Thenadier couple and Enjolras. They were not very remarkable for me in the novel except Javert whose prominence comes next to Jean Valjean’s. I also liked Cosette better than Eponine in the novel.

In the film, Amanda Seyfried looks like a Victorian painting lady who came alive and her voice was crystalline, as if she was suited to sing arias. Eponine, though a character support for Cosette, was splendid, she contrasts Cosette not only in countenance but even with their sound! Eponine was earthy and battered but giving. Cosette was a sheltered bourgeoise though when they lived together when they were younger it was the other way around. Eponine’s voice was warm and full; Cosette’s was high pitched and airy. I find Eponine’s character in the film endearing.

Russel Crowe’s voice was also a revelation to me. I liked the sound of his voice better than Hugh Jackman’s. It’s not that Jean Valjean’s voice didn’t sound good, I only prefer Javert’s voice better. Make-up for Jean Valjean is commendable. In the first part, I almost wasn’t able to identify 24601 as Hugh Jackman. It was inconsistent though that they gave particular attention to M. Madeleine’s appearance, changing how he looked as he grew older without applying strikingly observable physical changes on Javert as well. Eponine made me cry more than Fantine. Samantha Bark’s rendition of On My Own was moving and her death song was a poignant scene. She has a very tiny waist (Please give room for not being relevant with adjacent sentences, I have to emphasize this observation).

The film utilized similar sounding tracks with a change in lyrics or beat as part of its dramatic theme. The cinematography for the first part was not at par with those in latter parts, it appeared washed out and manufactured. Maybe it’s because of the copy I received. It must’ve appeared better in the movie house.

I Can't Cry

4 March 2013

Daughter of light,

Daughter of the morning,

Will you shed tears?

My mom is in a heart-rending situation. Everyone’s teaming up against her and she’s got no one to lean on. Oh money. Only for money. She’s ridiculed and looked down on, considered a disgrace. She’s done her best. It’s not her fault. How can I help her? She did not sleep last night with all her worries. What do I do? If I let it get to me, I’ll not only be a sinking ship, I’ll be buried deeper in the sea basin than Atlantis; I’ll probably be deep into the mantle already.  I have nothing but faith. All I have is trust that surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life (Psalm 24:6). It is insanity but I keep on living, moving on without directing my efforts to meet my dreams but I expect whole-heartedly that they will come true. If the bureaucracy of government systems protects the leader, the Lord Himself communicates with all of us directly. I believe however paradoxical what I am doing is, I will attain my goal. It was said, behold, I will make all things new. I will believe. That is my decision. It came to me that I should be blaming dad for what we’re going through; he started it. But that is a power I will not relinquish – the power of choice. So I chose to not let resentment seep in. I, as all humans do, have the birthright to autonomy. I can see clearly what is before me, but I will not let it block my vision of what’s in store for me.

I left the house for a payphone call. It is ridonkolous how much they look at my mother with condescension, impressing on her that she has to feel shame. I stand by her. It is not her fault. She’s in charge of damage control and because it can no longer be contained, she suffers infamy from the fall. That is unfair. There is no need for me to reiterate that truth. The world doesn’t play fair; it simply is playful. I’ve had my share of its unfairness; I am blessed that I am adept at remembering more the favors it sent my way. People could be so judgmental, self-righteous and narrow-minded. Love makes amends; it was an automatic imperative to understand. I would’ve been cursing those who broke my mother’s heart. I would’ve implanted in my heart vengeance for them or anger. But that’s energy consuming and I have not much energy for those. I will let my mother get through this. I will walk with her. We would both grow in love and accept our share of suffering.

I had no sleep last night. Sheldon kept me awake. The Big Bang Theory shows prejudice and discrimination at work among people. At times I already feel like spanking Sheldon. His punctiliousness is extreme. He can’t help it. But he’s kind and he’s practical. Even if the characters in the show are smart people, it was also shown how people could not be everything – being a genius meant being dumb at something else. It was a satire of real life.

Dailies

27 February 2013

This week is another week I did not expect to go on the way it did. Monday, I went early to the office so that I can catch up reading LF slides. I did read up a few but did not make it to even one-fourth of the 100 I was supposed to view. My first agenda that day was GAHI mapping. I was doing a part of Birgit’s job assiduously.

Ms. Lara from med lib must be at the end of her rope when she talks to me. I always have lots of questions for her. No wonder she is irritated with me. I did not mean to irate her but that’s how I am.

Just when the team meeting is about to start, only then am I informed of what I should discuss or only then would my seniors have time to discuss matters for presentation where I require their comments. I am expected to know everything about how things work when those two people I am to bother to ask from are too busy. I can’t help but wonder why that is so. I know how much they are doing and I think more than thrice before barging into their spaces for assistance.

I’ve been going around, asking library people for assistance on how to access an online journal article to no avail. There was no question why librarians were lethargic that day. ‘Twas EDSA day, a holiday. They should be at home relaxing. How about us who have to avail of their assistance to carry on with our work?

GAHI mapping is an arduous task. Aside from somehow reducing the burden of Birgit’s work, I also chant in my mind that what I am doing directly benefits the country. If this epidemiologic data is presented, misconceptions on helminth infection burden in the Philippines would be mollified.

Conventions in the business world are dizzying. People in the seat of power also somehow solidify the front of their being powerful by keeping a lot of people around them as marshals. By setting up screening levels for people they meet and who have contact with them, going near them becomes a daunting endeavor. I was unaware of such set-ups and went inside the director’s office to directly talk to the director and pass to him the files he requested from me. I even ventured to ask a question which reflected my ignorance side by side his expertise on parasitology. Having it hard with remembering names is such a bummer. It was enough for me that I knew the initial letter of a word. My memory though far from being eidetic, should rehearse data retrieval more often.

Good thing, though I was inclined to assess how I fared in this team meeting, I didn’t. It was enough for me that the presentation was uneventful on my part though overtones on how I conduct myself were being passed like a hot potato before starving people across the table.

Yesterday, I was bustling through different libraries to access the article I need for LF mapping. Unlike June, I was deferred the privilege of demanding online journal articles as a library service. Half my day was spent for that. The rest of the day was for the bulletin.

I also found a way to deceive myself into eating raisins. I am willing to eat raisins if they are masked in yogurt. Dra. Carla again shared with me her preserved goodie cocktail which includes yogurt covered raisins, a healthy alternative for the typical sugar coated chocolate sans the variety of colors.

I also am grateful for Aids’ company. He shared with me a milk bottle shaped milk chocolate from Prof. Molina. I ate my lunch, pizza, in his office as he was busy searching for a file. He and Ate Ching reminded me that I have people who support me.

Before the day ended, mom made me laugh so hard. She called me to ease her anxiety on debt issues. We were having an encumbering conversation when suddenly she mentioned that she had to clean up pechay she was going to prepare for dinner. I cannot contain my laughter.

Pechay occupied my mind after that since I was scouring my mind for the English name for it. I remembered right that it is termed Chinese cabbage.

Today was not much different. I progressed with microscopy, finishing my box of 50 slides. I also experienced a strange pain on my abdomen which I can’t attribute to any underlying condition. I met my deadline for the ACT final report and upward delegated it to Paul despite the excruciating sensation.

I saw this morning Mita and Nover. I got two hugs for the day. My daily hug from ate Ching and another from Nover. I actually miss Nover’s hug because I appreciate better now why he gives them out. People really need hugs, it works wonders even without words. Those two, Mita and Nover, are busy reviewing for the MT boards. They will make it.

Though I am not adept with setting boundaries, I will try to create a credible demarcation line for my time. Recently, work has been dominating so much of time I do not have life apart from it.