Must be back on track again

2 July 2013

Funny how after I started this blog I meant to battle my fearlessness then all of my fears emerged, plaguing me at the same time in hordes. What happened to me this past few months have escaped documentation. Each day ends without any resolution or integration eventually all of the following days became meaningless.

Most of the things that happen day by day are so detached from me, I could actually see myself doing things I never thought I would be doing without any purpose or explanation from my part except for, “He/she told me that.” Meaningless and hopeless sorrowful mechanical existence was not only defined but experienced. There are lots of actions and conversations that do not make sense to me.

Incidents like those multiply and my mind does not let go of any until it becomes explained, justified or intellectualized. My mind works on the premise: everything has a reason and I would accept it after I get a grasp of what the reason is. More and more of those occurrences accumulated and preoccupied my brain; I could not function well anymore.

That was when the dark cloud descended. Cozily it settled on both shoulders and wrapped itself around my neck. It was a scarf that fits perfectly. Grief was its name. Depression was what it elicited from me.

I was at most times confused, doubtful, guilt-ridden and fully-dependent on intuition or was it guts? When people around me act contrary to what they say, how am I to adjust and adapt to them? When they see only their side of things, refuse to accept objective and realistic reasons, and, doubt everything you say to the point you also doubt yourself, should I still say in that type of environment? Up to this point I still can’t make out my mind why I did not get along well with them. Am I not sociable? There was something in the atmosphere that stops me from being myself. What could that be? Why am I easy to disappoint? Why am I easy to discourage? Why do I learn so easily that when I get hurt once, I never venture to get myself hurt again?

 I have this perception that to them everything about me is off. So I keep myself from them and that takes its toll on me. I acted awkwardly. I was hurting myself by hiding just so I could protect myself and protect them from me. A dastardly exhaustive existence that was. Add my neuroticism and the depression that of course was growing side by side self-pity. If before I was only unsure of where I was going but I somehow believed in myself, now, I only believed that there was a one true God and that He remains God even as I suffer and he remains shushed.