18 July 2013
Got it now! What made my time at NIH unbearable is my
inability to grasp the world. Listen here, before, I’ve always lived more to be
understood and not as much as to understand though I claim to be doing that.
I’ve limited the world into my idea of it, seeing it according to my
circumstances or seeing it as it is, fully blinded that I could be part of its
other parts I am not a part of. Sounds confusing? The same with me too but
that’s the gist of it. I see the world as separate from the world I am in now,
as if they are not a part of each other. I’ve isolated myself to my little
world and to the idea that I could not be a part of the world that I’ve never
been previously a part of though I am aware that it exists. I only saw that I
have this life to live and that the other possibilities of life for me are just
there but it’s not for me to join or mess with. How wrong!
John Trimble nailed it when he said, to the amateur writer
[or speaker] (I just added this in context but John never mentioned speaking,
his book was on writing.), he seems to make perfect sense and is convinced that
because he understands it clearly, the reader [and listener] will get it
exactly as he understands it though he merely conveys it in vague manners,
simply like putting thoughts in paper. That’s what I’ve always done! That’s how
I lived by! I never put into consideration how the reader and listener would
receive what I’m saying. I expect that they would already understand it simply
because it makes sense to me. In that same faulty manner, it hit me that I was
seeing my world disjointed and unattached from the rest of the world that I do
not entangle myself with anything that doesn’t seem to suit the flavor or color
or any attribute of my current world. I was too preoccupied with
self-expression to no end I no longer considered the benefit of what I am doing
for other people. Probably, I was just wasting other people’s time and was
wondering why they haven’t felt enlightened at all with me around!
The frustration of not being understood lies there! You may
express yourself but do not demand understanding if it was not part of your intentions
while you were creating to be understood. Oh, I was just too greedy, demanding
everything with a single effort. The more I want, the more effort I should
give. Something’s out there beyond, not within the circumscribed sphere but
very much wanted, find a clean way of getting it!
The weak spot has just been identified! The cause of
operations failure, spotted. There is also a world out there, you are a part of
it. That world outside yourself is a world you are a part of and you want it to
validate your being a part of it. There’s no better way for it to validate you
than you to find ways to convey to it your need, to convey to it clearly and
unmistakably, transferring from your own world to the outside world your
thoughts as unadulterated as possible. That’s the point of communication and
that’s why I’m failing at it! Whew!
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