To the endless horizon

12 July 2013

Intentions were absent. Maybe they were there, subconsciously. But now, I actively work to attain amusement and happiness. I am willing to make efforts and to spend for me to be happy. Guilt is not much associated with my lopsided perception of opulence. It was I who set this rigid limits of what was for me, of what level I could stay, of where I should be, of how I should live, of who I should talk to. They are being demolished. I am being given the unhampered view of how high I could soar and how low I could fall. If only I would want, I would ask and then it would work. I could be all things good and all things bad. I could be anyone at this point. When I should be doing something, the first question is not “Why should I?” but “Why shouldn’t I?”

This must be cosmic air. I inhale it and I know I have re-learned what I always knew. It would make sense but I shouldn’t rush it.

My life is being made full. These moments of grief, they will end as with all other moments. I will grow. No matter how much I’ve been savagely cut, I will bloom again. It is not something I could control. It’s just who I am and I can’t stop it. Sam said that since I was depressed with my work, she saw me as someone more human. What was I before an automaton? Must be. I was so cold and independent, I relied mostly on what I could do, on what I have. Far worse, I existed only for the win. The glimmer of gold has blinded me from seeing that this brand of victory wasn’t the one that I should bank my life on. It is easy to wreck and I will be beyond repair if that was all that I had.

I am more forgiving of others, only harsher on myself. I do not forgive myself, calling a stricter code upon my actions and thoughts. If I am truly free, why do I improvise chains for myself? It’s laughable how stuck-up I am with my incompetence I let everything else fall. As I hear Joseph and John comment on how I said Beiber sounds like a girl, “Not anymore!”

I have many more tomorrows before me. My first obligation is not to a job that chokes life out of me but to life which has stayed with me as long as my memory permits. Again, this is not the ending of endings. Game over flashes before my screen but I still have tokens to insert in the slot. Game on!