2 June 2013
Finally back from Dipolog city and I still do not know
what’s happening. Day by day changes as monotonously as a calendar day being
torn out; that’s all. I have to wake up every day without knowing what I am
doing it for or where I am heading. During my adolescent years, I needn’t think
of all this. Though I wasn’t sure where I was heading to, where all my effort
was for, I was filled with energy. Sam is right. It was worry that feeds on
whatever energy I have. Somehow I am convinced that my adolescent development
stage is only starting now or that I am experiencing my twilight years. I have
denied myself the uneasy and self-searching stage of adolescence wherein I am
to determine for myself the difference between being a child and an adult and
it called me to a hearing now, passing the verdict of not experiencing it
altogether and being detained in the existential crisis phase.
What do you do when you see clearly that the problem is
yourself? It is not easy to wrestle with someone you do not know especially
when it is yourself.
I am sure that I could not die yet. I still want to see my
country re-energized, where people have a sense of dignity and hope instead of
being trapped in the circumstances they are currently in. I want to see my
people empowered each day to do better, always working for the best and giving to
themselves the best that there is.
Traveling through the serpentine mud roads to Marupay,
Roxas, Zamboanga del Norte made me ask why people would want to live in a place
like it. I only have more questions and more unresolved thoughts.
When I was asking for advice from Grace, she told me that
everything has a season. This is no accident. There is a lesson behind all this
and all my mind could do was stare in silence and nothingness where nothing
really mattered, everything was bitterly laughable and all would fade away.
There is futility in everything and no amount of introspection talks me out of
it. Then the words of Paul echo in my mind: And let us run with endurance the
race God has set before us (Heb 12:1) and, But when I grew up, I put away
childish things (1 Cor 13:11).
At times I feel like Gideon, being encouraged to go with all
the strength I have. Kim speaks of the mountain of Moriah, where Abraham was
willing to offer Isaac on the altar. Is this my Mt. Moriah? Where is Spongebob
when I need him most? I am one of those cold virus laden slugs and I want him
to siphon out of me everything that weighs me down. Lifehouse’s Breathing plays
as if on cue. I am surrounded by very exceptional people in all terms -
intellect and character. I am giving them a hard time and I am impatient with
myself as well. I want to grow.
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