Spontaneity

9 June 2013

Am I still holding back? What am I holding back? I have given myself up already that I’m lost. Lead me. I do not doubt You; I doubt myself. How will I be sure that I’ve surrendered everything - the pain would disappear? But I have to live with it. I don’t know anymore. I know nothing. I am so empty and blank and numb and plagued. Do You want me to fight it all alone with whatever I have? Do You want me to sit still and wait for You to rescue me? I am already tired of nothingness. Wouldn’t You fill me before I become one with it? You are never late. I am out of timing. A stopped clock is right at least twice a day. Thank You that the clock is right even if I want to ridicule myself that the clock does better than I do.

It is exceedingly unpleasant to be aware that other people are having a hard time for your sake and you cannot make yourself useful to them in anyway. Let me, even in pain, focus not on what is happening to me, how much worse matters could get or that my efforts are cancelled out when it comes to dealing with myself. Even if I cannot fix myself, to You I am no enigma; I am no unbreakable code or hopeless situation and You can make me well. Am I in for an upgrade? Let me praise You! You have never failed to provide for me and bless me with circumstances, people and odds and ends to make me happy, to make me learn, to make me alive. I have paid dearly for my naïveté but You, not once and not ever, lost Your love for me. I am terribly sorry I cannot measure up just yet. It pains me that I cannot give You anything of worth. What am I to give You, self-dejection? Piling frustration? Discontent bordering misery? Blind wishes for death for there pain does not exist? Deranged emotions? Who would want to take all this? These offerings are not fit for You but they are all I have. I do not lack in things to be thankful for but mentioning them makes me feel more non-existent. You want me to be grateful not in words; of all things You deserve my honesty. I will end up giving scornful and forced utterance of thanks.  Let my heart flow with pure thanks – the world shelters me as I play over in my mind what I abhor about it. I have the core people I love here, may be not physically with me but they still exist and their love for me did not wane by any standards; I hope I can give them anything better – their troubles cannot be paid for by a penny. The people whom I interact with are driven and energetic, I have no intentions of slowing them down. Thank You for making our roads meet. Never wanted to meet them while I am in this state of disarray but that’s what You planned, blessed be Your name still. I am of deep regret that this was how our paths crossed. Still it’s a cross, bearing Your mark so I guess it’s beyond any reasoning from my part. I’ll let things be, unfolding as You will.

You brought me in the dark so I would be forced to shine, not simply bask on other people’s light. You find me ready. Why am I resisting? Give me peace. Make me surrender to your plans. I am tired of resisting too.