This season

24 May 2013

Dearest Lord, I know I am doing You a great disservice by praying to You to take my life away. But that is how I feel. Now, more than ever, do I feel that I am composed of opposites. The discord within me is too great for me to bear. Do You really trust me this much?

Why am I always tired for nothing? Why am I always hungry? Why do I often forget? Why am I blank-minded? I have the impression that I am getting lazy. My current day to day action is lazy because I easily get tired, I sleep at 10pm and wake up at 5am to stare for an hour or until there’s enough time for me to prepare so I won’t be late. All for what?

Why do you have to show me this world? And this part of me where everything is in topsy-turvy? My world before wasn’t perfect but I saw everything under a magnificent light. I scrimp too much that I did not have the kind of fun that comes with socialization because I knew it would cost me but I was okay. Even if I was tired of attending classes and I had to sleep little to study, I wasn’t this exhausted. I had enough energy to be clear-headed and gay and to actually appreciate more the good that there was.

You have taken that out of me drastically. I easily get tired. I cannot sustain thinking clear throughout the day. Everything I saw was either depressing or downgrading or injustice or oppression or power at play. How long would you leave me in this state where I cannot be joyful even if with all my strength I tried to? You allowed me to experience how it was to act mechanically, that even I wonder how I was able to push through with what I should have done though deep inside a counteracting force was on. You also gave me chances where my mind ruled and it deterred me from doing what I knew I was supposed to do or when my body, who I thought was my ally, sabotaged me to stop though I willed for what I had in mind. There were times too that both mind and body were waiting on my will which was at that time a disaparisado. Why do these instances occur often? Why am I all of a sudden contradicting myself? My persona is in civil war. My Yin and Yang and all other poles in me have blown out of proportion.

I should be very thankful of how supportive Sam is. Instead of being the elder sister who took care of her, she was catering to me and adjusting to my every need.

Please let me snap out of this. Make me stop. Was this how You wanted me to show You my love? Is this Your way to convince me to grow faith, out of necessity? Was this Your idea of growth for me? Why do they have to come to me all at the same time?

My current occupation is driving me depressed already because of its high demands and the truth that I do not know what to do still in the workplace, after four months of being there. Also, the people inspire me, intrigue me, annoy me, neglect me, oppress me, give me a hard time, rescue me, and all other things that make them a mix of my pain and pleasure but I do not need any of either without my peace.

Then come all these phenomenon that eventually points out the urgency of having a check-up because I am either of the following: have deranged hormones, overstressed, or am actually, as the recurring and alarming symptoms point out no matter how much I try to downplay – mentally ill.

To add to that is the chatty, charming, easy to sympathize but cool martyr mother; the apathetic, lazy but soft-hearted father; and the selfish, gluttonous, wasteful, unhygienic but smart and pretty child, not to mention the puppy who’s afraid of the dark, (hence the increased electric consumption and the equally swelled-up bill charges). As a family, they are active and lively, and spontaneous but they have a tendency to be too familiar, thinking everything’s communal that they override my usual limits for decency and shame and surprisingly, guilt. It is not bad for a family to have a good time but doing so at the expense of others, inconveniencing them without any sense of shame, using and consuming other people’s stuff without asking for their permission first gives Sam and I a difficult time. The good and the bad in most of the people around me are underlined at the same time I cannot decide where I would place myself in that situation. I do not even know myself nowadays.