12 June 2013
The rain has stopped shortly after I have arrived home
yesterday. Sam has gone lengths to bring me home – scraped right knee, walking
through ankle deep manila street waters barefoot and enduring humiliation for slipping
on a stretch of P. Gil St. across Pilar Hidalgo Lim street. How much she loved
me but it didn’t matter, for a breach on my numbness does not exist.
I have heard how the convenor was dismayed with my
performance. He is an inspiring, passionate, dedicated, generous, brilliant
man. I do not want to disappoint him. I wanted to be affected. Turns out I
cannot be more disappointed with myself; I am way deep into
self-disappointment, I trust everybody other than myself.
In an attempt to earn experience and to earn money, I lost
myself. All of it. It is difficult to command a stranger day by day, having to
live with it. Most of the people I get to talk to directly about what bothers
me tell me that I have to let go. Why can’t I? My mother pleads with me to
stop, she’s afraid I am to go crazy. Micai advised me yesterday during cheesy
time with cheese ice cream and cheese chips that I should stop, putting it this
way: You may bolt through this high hurdle before you but your landing on the
other side might be so disastrous you break every bone in your body. Would it
be worth it? That’s what my mind is subconsciously mulling through when I get
into the staring trance – convincing myself to go on though there’s nothing
left of me, because of the promise of growth. If all that I am is lost, what is
there to grow – weeds? Weeds of discontent and emptiness and endless
questioning?
My desire for life is squished and my dreams are antiquated.
I am but a breathing solid existence.
Sam was trying to bring color to my life, pranking and
joking. My response: just let me be.
Walang komento:
Mag-post ng isang Komento