Everything is meaningless

22 February 2013

I spent six hours of my life filling up an excel data file. Then that file, just before I was to send it to my immediate supervisor, became corrupted. I was supposed to get mad or annoyed or angry. But I smiled instead and had dinner (It’s almost 10pm; I had my last meal at 2pm). Now I am going to fill it up again. I don’t know how long it would take me this time. But I wouldn’t meet the deadline, 11:59pm.

I was supposed to be frustrated or exasperated. I wasn’t. What does this mean? Why am I at peace? Why was it automatic and instantaneous for me to think that I have to do it again anyway so why complain at all? Why was it natural for me to reason out, “Hey, it’s not accomplishing the task that matters, but the development of your character?”

That brings back to mind my conversation with my immediate supervisor yesterday. Finally, he endorsed the WOW Bulletin by signing the printout with his initials. He explained again that he had to insist on getting the layout and the write-up passable; he had been so strict with himself on his lay-out of the Highlights handout of NIH’s 15^th anniversary. I borrowed the copy and parsed through its pages. He condensed all information, historical and otherwise about NIH into those pages. How many times had he succumbed to the orders of his superiors? Then among the first pages, I caught sight of Dra. Perla Ocampo’s photo. She died without living through the fulfillment of her dream but she was able to start it by being the main founder of NIH. Me, will I even get to start my dreams? I was troubled I cannot appreciate the ledger anymore. He, my immediate supervisor, what will he gain for coming up with Highlights which only about 20 people would receive, 20 high profile people who would be too busy to even lift the front cover.

I wanted to swoon then. How many more people would not gain satisfaction proportional to the efforts they expended? That grim thought caused me to sleep deeply last night, not wanting to wake up as much as I usually did.

God has been giving me very diverse days lately. He made me realize that what I once held dear and what others built their lives around has no value. Maybe that was why Solomon continuously stresses in Ecclesiastes that everything is meaningless. Let’s laugh together now dearest Father; the efforts of humans are futile but Your will prevails.