Keep On

06 February 2013

The Lord has been looking at my affairs. Instead of receiving a penalty, the person who issued my association fees receipt overlooked that I paid past the due date! Wow! I will be ever thankful (despite the newly imposed 12% VAT). See? A day ago I did not have any money left to buy food at all. Now I have been able to pay for my residence (inclusive of tax). I have money now to bless other people. I have money that I could multiply (If only it were that easy. Two hundred dollar bills would be credited as 10,000.). I have money that could manifest love, respect, appreciation and goodwill. I have money to make amends. Money that comes to my hands becomes loving money – they work hard to express and efficiently manifest love.

I don’t want to acknowledge that at RFR I am made to feel that way– that I do not exist. I will validate my existence. The more stressed I get, the more I need to give myself time to rest and enjoy being me. I cannot function well with a troubled heart. It is my duty to guard my heart . I will put a premium on my happiness and peace of heart and mind first. Thinking of meeting up with people I’ve been with in PH makes me feel like a child again and my stress at work for how I should act before my seniors dissipates. I’m so glad I got the chance to meet up with Aids today. Only he can say ‘gurl’ the way he does. I laugh freely and speak without restraints. I will surround myself with people who make me feel alive. That must be the point of affirmation, acknowledgement of someone’s presence, a demonstration of respect and appreciation.

I will pray and write on and practice paper folding as my origami guide instructs. I will meet up with Micai and ask hugs from Camelle. I will laugh out with Aids and seek out Abi. I will leave notes for Joy. I will get out of RFR especially when it gets too cold for me that my nails are already blue and my intercostals are shivering. I will walk around the NIH building. I will play on songs and relate to them. I will frequent Lara Hall and I will avoid eating out my candy (I’m supposed to give those out, not eat them). My throat’s beginning to get sore. I will smile at everyone and wave as if there were no strangers. Everybody’s my sibling after all, even if there are pesky brothers, understanding ones, bitchy sisters and nurturing ones, all of which remain a brother or a sister.  Love covers up everything. 1 Cor 13 says it all better. I will dispel the penury of love that allows me to make room for seeing other people’s mistakes.

My dreams are starting to become strange. The other night I dreamt of a guy and a girl who were together but the guy ended being touchy, not to the girl she’s with but to me! That girl was someone from a different day in that dream who was practicing tennis as I passed by. Then last night I dreamt Bless was crying before me, telling me to stay out of her life. This was brought on by my destroying her camera out of ignorance of its operating procedures. She even said my presence at her debut party had been a source of shame for her. In that dream as well, Jow was my elder brother and we were both of Chinese descent. Jow and I do not look Chinese at all. I have no questions about him being my brother, I look up to him and respect him. There also was this detail where the second floor of our (Jow’s and mine) ancestral house was a hospital. There was an alley without anyone other than me, the walls were greenish, the color of my cubicle, and the lights were dim but I went on to come out on the other side of that floor.

In reality, I was having trouble with my nose. It itches constantly. I’d rather entertain the fancy story that nose itching occurs because someone is kissing the photograph of that person. That must be Shiela or Sam kissing my picture. I already miss them as well. Sam’s prom will be this Saturday. I would’ve wanted to be there. The plain truth that my nose is dirty is invalid.