Grace Met All My Needs

31 January 2013

What a day this is. I had a journal report. 116 pages. I found it hard to communicate the results. I will learn better. But other than that, the Lord has given me the grace I need for this day. When I thought the world has swept me off my feet, He made me realize that my footing wasn’t of this world. It’s in Him.

Morning came and I was belabored about how I was to finish reading the 116 pages of the Cochrane meta-analysis report. Cedie (the laptop I’m using) hanged even before ten minutes I opened it up. Then I called my mom for a break and ended up heaping more to think about to distract me from my work. Shiela’s stomach ache is of a different intensity, I guess it’s because she has already too much hair in her stomach. Then my mom’s asking me to borrow a large sum of money. She wants me to produce money. How would I do that? I haven’t even gotten my salary.

With all that in mind, I was forced to go ahead and make the journal report. Reading how professionals spend their lives trying to make experiments done in real life measurable and accurate makes me bleed. I don’t know which part of me actually.

Then I am before this highly dedicated and intelligent people. Sometimes I don’t know what I should really do. But that’s fine. I am a person and as Loonie says, Tao Lang.

I am still in the wrong. I have to make a united front before everyone. It was so easy for me to adjust to common people – the cleaners, guards, gardener, people I randomly meet in sidewalks. But why am I having difficulty bearing myself before people that are considered of high stature? I have to overcome that. My first impressions of people should not last so long especially when many times I’ve seen them invalidated in real time. Come on Steph, the people around you now are nice and sensible. You’re the one who’s making a big deal of their seniority and their educational background. Is it really me? I am getting mixed signals. I remember this was reinforced to me then at times, they simply let it fall off. Too much inconsistency makes it more confusing. I do not want to have a self that’s different based on the people I’m with. I want to be the same before everybody; not favoring or discriminating anyone.

Yes, they are knowledgeable people and I am glad that I am learning a lot from them. At first I thought it was a level playing ground, then I was told, I observed, and was impressed on, that some people are given more weight by virtue of what they have which I lack. Now that I am adapting to that precept, they start changing the rules again, playing as if everyone’s at equal standing. How will I know which game’s on? I simply want to play fair.