I am Wrong

29 January 2013

I am so glad I was proven wrong. Someone told me to choose my battles; she was right. It was only I who perceived the battle.

Somehow I felt it was my fault because he waited for me to finish what I was doing that he had forgotten to send it eventually. Yesterday morning I told Paul I went to Ms. Rizza’s on a Sunday to bring the files we missed sending last Friday. He told me not to do it again. I simply said, “Ok.” but I didn’t add that I did it because he was so upset last Friday and I felt I had to do something about it to cheer him up. He was working hard but he ended up frustrated by matters beyond his control.

Because of my mission to support him, I ended up in Diliman. By Diliman I meant UP Diliman. There was this event hosted by the local television network which I happened to witness by accident. I became Dora the explorer for the day except that I had no map with me. People in the Philippines are generally trustworthy and kind. Everyone I asked directions from to arrive at Ms. Rizza’s house gave me answers that were credible. It was my first time at that place (another first I experienced because of work) and I did not get lost. Even if I felt that I was invading Ms. Rizza’s private space, I pushed through but I knew I had to turn down their invitation to have lunch with them. She was too accommodating that she allowed me to bring her paperwork, to her house at that, on a Sunday. Free lunch would be exploitation of her kindness. That’s too much already. Filipinos can be so hospitable and polite at their own expense. I refuse to take advantage of it.

I ended up spending almost the entire day with Nessa and ate Aprille. I miss those girls. It was through them that I realized that my situation is not unique. My struggles are not something only I experience. What’s more, they made me realize that I was wrong. Together with Grace and Dave whom I talked to during separate occasions, they made me realize that it was I who had to change. I was making matters more difficult for myself. Nessa and ate Aprille told me maybe I was taking it in wrong. Dave and Grace both said I have to take my time. It was a matter of what to take. Either way that meant I am to receive something. Will I have the courage to give something back?

But not until I met up with Jello that I finally saw that I was wrong. I met up with him finally after eight years. I saw from him what I was doing, reaping the same results - perceiving non-existent difficulty. There really is something to learn from every person; one can never go away empty –handed.

I was crying out “Wolf!” again. But unlike that shepherd boy, mischief was not intended because it was I who was harmed. The sad part is there were casualties along the way. Because of my limited vision, I ascribed meanings to downright mundane actions and let my biases, selective perception, invalid arguments, unsound assumptions, illogical associations and non-cogent premises determine what was there.

Thank you that people are different; they make the perspective of the world complete. They fill me up with those that I have missed. I have nothing against those who empathized with me- Micai, Jem and Gab. To them I am grateful because I found affirmation for my reasoning. But those people whose opinions differ from mine on the subject of workplace tension reminded me again of the important lesson I forgot to apply. Matters might go out of hand, completely beyond the reach of manipulation, but there would always be something one can do to change a negative situation – you can change your mind about it. There’s no point in fussing about things you can’t control; work instead on something under your power – yourself.

I underestimated in the past the power of hugs. But because I have determined to make myself more honest, transparent and expressive, I am acknowledging the need for hugs. Sam is right; she is wiser than I am when it comes to social matters. I insisted on getting those I went to Adriatico before the day ended. By 11pm, I got free hugs from Grace and Migi. That made me warm even when the waning night was shivering into the early morning chill overhead. Where there is inner warmth, not even the coldness of the surroundings could pervade. How blessed I am, I am surrounded by people who correct me and support me. Can’t help adding that I feel that the people I am with now were placed in my life at this certain point, orchestrated to meet me as they currently are. Had we met earlier or later they wouldn’t be the same. What I should be thankful for permutates (increases incrementally with time).

Yesterday, the teleparasitology paper was also scrutinized. There’s nothing wrong in thoroughly proofreading it but I keep remembering how much effort June put into writing it that she almost did not sleep and was nauseous by the end of those days.

The team deliberation of that proposal proved furthermore that I was wrong. Sunday, I was already convinced through memory recall that I was concentrating on the wrong things. I neglected those times when it was I who was avoiding and keeping silent. But Monday made it too in my face. I’m preposterously baffled with how blind I have been. I am the problem. I perceive such tensions because I was creating them myself. There is no tension in the workplace the way I thought there was. Then Lemonade Mouth goes, here comes the breakthrough, here comes the day.

I will not miss the opportunity to write down that I was wrong so I can look back and know that I am capable of sabotaging my life then put the blame on others.