The Official First Day

8 January 2013

By today’s events I felt I had to catch myself before I talk. I feel like a question mark, always there with a question, asking for something but unable to formulate a question by itself. I simply meant I feel my questions do not make sense. I am burdening those who orient me into answering pointless irrelevant questions. But there is an urge to ask. So I stopped remarking on what they said even if I wanted to say yes or I read that already or that I know. I just listened and nodded and smiled and zipped my mouth even when I had something to say because I did not consider my thoughts worth hearing for them because they were useless, no gain would come from them. Is my thinking really that odd? Or do I not know how to refine my questioning? Am I asking the wrong questions? In my previous work I was so free to ask and comment and argue even with the company owners who were also the project consultants.

This time I hesitated, putting a leash on my tongue. I can’t let my tongue get away as freely as I see Paul do. I will regret it and berate myself ruthlessly. I remember how I told Janet on my first job interview that being a researcher meant being bold enough to ask at the expense of oneself. That even if I would look foolish for asking something, the question remained worth asking because it would cause the other person to think or see things differently than they do.

Czelene makes me do that. I had a narrow vision and insisted that if a family did not adhere to a male father, female mother and children formula, the children would grow up into not so OK adults. I carried on the tenets of conservative thought that the basis of society as we know it now should remain at least in that term (I am against the rule of the rich few at the expense of the suffering of the multitudes of masses and still doubtful of both capitalism and communism, the opposites of economical spectrum policy). Czelene pointed out why I should be always decreeing that society would fail if males and females refuse being so gender-wise. I insisted an adopted child of a gay couple probably would end disturbed and socially bereft. After remarking so, she dropped it off but I thought about it again. And I was convinced that I could be more permissive on that point. If the gay couple gave the child love, why would the child not grow OK? Cz was right that being from a typical family as she termed my rigid definition of it is not assurance that a child would not end up being a serial killer or a fascist or someone disturbed and destructive. At that time, reports regarding Dolphy’s death was still part of daily news airings. I forgot one of the roles played by Dolphy, that in Ang Nanay Kong Tatay with Niño Mulach. Though he was gay and he solely reared Niño, the young boy did not at all become confused of his sexual orientation. Dolphy and he were a family because there was love. It was not only accepted but also given back. I texted Czelene before she left about that. I wonder if she read it, that I accede to her argument.

Then, I am reminded more of Czelene because I am now working in the position she vacated. Not only by the house but also in the workplace I am reminded of her. Paul kept probing about her. I am selfish. I do not want to share with him my friendship with Cz. Maybe not now yet. In the future I might. Why do I have this tendency to make things complicated? How is it that I lied about our friendship?

I emphasized only that I know her because we are from the same block and we were classmates. I did it before I thought of my motive. I was never this selfish when it comes to friends. It’s as if I’m telling him that what Cz and I have is for us only. I won’t share it with anyone easily. I guess he has an inkling that Czelene and I are really more than what I say we are. She even mentioned me to her previous house guards. She must’ve mentioned me too by name to them. I always use Robert as my scapegoat, because he had the same employment position as well before. It was only logical to divert the issue to Robert. Our surnames both start with an M so there would be no question if we were more than acquaintances because of the ruling alphabetical order system in schools. I never thought I would act that way, very possessive of my memory of my friends. It was so special I can’t share it with just anyone.

No worries about my looking foolish though. Even without meaning to ask or be annoying or insisting regarding about trifle matters (I tried to console myself because Paul said it was okay if the Research Ethics Board approved of the proposal they gave them when the proposal the funder got included more than what was known to the REB regarding the inclusion of preschool children. Paul has more experience. He said not to be bothered by the inconsistency. Have I really become OC to not let go of this irregularity as lightly as Paul puts it? I will try not to be. I have lots to read. What can I do about it as well? It’s done with.) I did make myself foolish. First, I remember Ms. Jen dela Rosa our teacher then for Health Policy Administration when she said the devolvement of the health system in the country from centralized to Local Government Unit (LGU)-based happened during then President Estrada’s term. Paul debunked that easily. My memory must be wrong. So I did not venture to comment again. I had lots of relearning to do. I reviewed again the lifecycles, modes of infection and medication for each soil transmitted helminth, food-borne trematodes, W. bancrofti and B. malayi. – lymphatic filariasis agents and schistosomes. I kept silent though I know something about it because I know not much and I may remember incorrectly. I am re-learning concepts and reviewing statistical designs. Not only to Paul but even to our project research associate. I ignorantly blurted out that I can’t imagine how they would get the geometric mean egg count because he first mentioned it. Then I added, “How is it that you get the mean of their sizes, based on their geometry that is then count them still? What is the point for noting their geometry measures then counting them still?”

 Of course that was silly. Our research associate put out his professor qualities first, laughing a bit before explaining after he understood what I meant offering that by geometric mean, that meant a statistical derivative from the mean of egg counts (I will again ignorantly assume that geometric mean is a pattern relative in working to the arithmetic mean. I somehow recall we discussed arithmetic and geometric means during our high school MTAP sessions. Arithmetic mean being that involved with a formula based addition or subtraction gained from a set of numbers and geometric mean for multiplication and division. I also picture out that these means end like a Christmas tree of numbers, slowly reduced until one value remains at the summit. Or isn’t that the Fibonacci sequence. I’m confused.).  I am scalded twice in a day. I will get over with being embarrassed. Better it be that they see from the beginning that I get wrong than for them to assume that I will never do.

Maybe because I only slept for three hours, I was chill. I rarely was hyped or excited on the first day. Normally I am energetic and bumbling about, fussing pointlessly. I was not even shocked when Paul revealed that my starting salary would be at twelve thousand without tax deductions yet even when I assumed and already believed it would be at fifteen net. I know how over-acting I could get. I was there, reacting the same way as if I heard him just say that the sun rises in the east instead of that, cool and without a bother as if I knew of it already. I was already planning in my mind not to settle for less than fifteen thousand per month and I was already doing it. I was even thinking why I was not opening up to these people when we will be working for long when it was so easy for me to act heedlessly around May Idy, someone I met once in Luneta park. More to do Steffi! Do not only be open to people you know you would only meet once, warm up to people you are to build relationships with. In my line of work I should easily get along with people.