1:59 am

6 Enero 2013

Maraming mga bagay ang kayang baguhin ng pera na parang magic. Yung kulot ang buhok, pwedeng maging tuwid. Yung unat, pwedeng kulutin. Yung maitim ang balat pwedeng pumuti at yung maputi pwedeng magpa-tan. Yung balbon, pwede magpatanggal ng buhok. Yung maiksi yung buhok, pwedeng magpalagay ng extensions. Yung paubos o wala nang buhok pwedeng maging malago uli yung dating panot o kalbo. Yung walang dibdib, pwede magpadagdag. Yung malaki yung bilbil, pwede ipa-alis. Yung sakahan, pwedeng maging pamilihan. Kung dati lakad, pwede na may sariling four wheels. Yung lalaki pwedeng maging babae.

                Numerous matters can be changed by money as if by magic. The curly haired gets straight hair and the straight haired can have her locks curled. The dark-skinned can get fairer and the pale skinned can get a tan. The hirsute can have all unwanted hair removed. Those with short hair can have extensions affixed. The bald and balding both can enjoy an abundance of crowning glory strands. The flat-chested can have their breasts enhanced. Those with pot bellies can have it sucked away. The farmlands can become mega markets. Those who travel by foot can explore in their own four wheels. A man can become a woman.

Matindi talaga ang kapangyarihan ng pera. Kaya nga maganda syang itumbas sa magic kasi kaya nyang tuparin yung mga bagay na nais mo. Damang-dama ko ang pangangailangan na makamit ang magic na ito. Kumbaga, matutunang mag-magic para naman yung mga gusto kong matupad, maging totoo na.

                The power of money has an extending scope. It is apt to be likened to magic because by it, your desires become real. I cannot deny the need to attain this magic. In other words, I have to learn how to use magic for my wants to come true.

Pero habang ako’y literal na malamig, sa pagkakasalat ko sa aking mga palad at talampakan, sabayan pa ng matinding pananakit ng likod sa may tapat ng balikat (ayon sa anatomy namin may muscle na ang magkabilang duluhan ay nakahugpong sa balikat at sa spine), pinatay ko ang mga ilaw. Nagdesisyon akong matulog na sa tabi ni Shiela. Para maibsan ang panlalamig, dumaiti ako kay Shiela. Tulog na tulog na sya. At habang nakabitin ako sa kanan nyang braso na parang girlfriend na nakapulupot sa nobyo nito o batang nakalambitin sa braso ng tatay nya para kulitin ito na ibili sya nang bagong laruan, bigla akong napadasal. Salamat po Diyos ko at ipinagkaloob nyong matamasa ko ang mga bagay na hindi ko naman kakayaning bayaran kailanman sapagkat hindi ang mga ito matutumbasan ng salapi. (Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako napadasal ng ganon. Hindi ko nga yun pinag-isipan.)

                But while I’m literally cold, as I’ve felt from my palms and the soles of my feet, simultaneous with an acute back ache by the shoulders (no wonder, a back muscle has its points of insertion on the shoulder and the spine), I turned the lights off. I decided to sleep beside Shiela. To warm myself, I moved close to Shiela. She’s sleeping soundly. While I was hanging by her right arm like a possessive girlfriend or a kid on the verge of tantrums convincing a dad to buy that new toy, I suddenly prayed. Lord, thank You for letting me experience something I would never be able to pay for because it cannot be measured in terms of monetary value. (I had no idea why I prayed that way. I didn’t even think of it beforehand.)

Sa puntong ito ay tumagilid ako at niyakap ang nahihimbing na si Shiela nang mahigpit. Mabuti na lang at kahit salat ako sa salapi, merong mga bagay na nasa akin na hindi ko kinakailangang bayaran o bilhin o pagsikapan para matamo. Meron akong mga pag-aari na akin dahil lang sa ipinagkatiwala ito sa akin ng Diyos. Binigyan ng buhay ang mga taong ito, ang mga pinakamamahal ko, ang aking pamilya. Alam kong ang buhay nila ay hindi ko kayang bilhin ng salapi o bayaran upang huwag lumisan sa mundo. Hinahayaan lang ng Diyos na andyan pa rin ang buhay nila, at makasarili ako para isipin na kahit papaano ginawa iyon ng Diyos para sa akin. Bukod pa do’n, binibigyan nila ako ng pagmamahal. Hindi naman ako nanghihingi sa kanila, hindi ko rin ito pinagtatrabahuhan o nasusuklian man lang ng buo. Pwede naman silang tumanggi sa pagbibigay sa akin ng pag-ibig. Maaari rin naman nila akong kalimutan na lang. Pero eto sila, buhay pa at kahit papaano nabubuhay para mahalin ako.

                At that instance, I shifted to my side and I hugged the slumbering Shiela tight. It’s a good thing that even if I am short of money, I have something that I do not have to pay for, buy or work for to attain. I own something simply because I was entrusted by the Lord with it. He gave life to these people, them that I love most, my family. I know I can never pay and that no sum of money would amount to have them alive or keep them so. It is by God’s will that they remain alive, and I am selfish to consider that He did it partly for my sake. Other than that, they gave me love. I did not ask or beg them, work or pay for it in full. They could refuse to love me. It is even possible for them to neglect or forget me. But here they are, still living and somehow still alive to love me.

Kung gaano katagal na nabuhay ako na malungkot at walang buong kasiyahan. Bantulot na lasapin ang mga pinipresenta ng mundo dahil lamang kulang ang aking pera. Dahil kailangan kong magtipid para mabuhay. Masyado na yata akong nasanay. Hinayaan kong ito ang mag-hari sa pagpapatakbo ng aking buhay. Napakabuti ng Diyos upang ipagkaloob sa akin ang mga bagay na hindi matutumbasan ng salapi o pagsisikap, mga bagay na hindi ko kailangang paghirapan para makamtan. Bakit ba hindi ko nakita yun? Yun naman ang mas mahalaga, ang pinakamahalaga. Masyado akong nangarag sa kakaisip kung paanong dapat pagsikapan ang pagiging buhay. Kung paanong nilimitahan ko ang aking isip na tanging sa magic lamang ng yaman ay mapapasa-akin ang aking mga inaasam. Bakit ko ba itinutok ang atensyon ko sa mga bagay na wala sa akin, nalunod tuloy ako sa kakasisid para sa kanila at nalimutan ko na kailangan ko nga pa lang umahon dahil yun naman ang mas mahalaga. Pakiramdam ko ako yung nasa kwento ni Leo Tolstoy ukol sa lalaking gahaman na lumakad nang malayong-malayo buong araw dahil sa naging kasunduan nila nung may-ari ng lupa na kung hanggang saan sya makarating bago matapos ang araw, yun ang magiging hangganan ng lupaing ibibigay sa kanya. (Di ako sigurado kung tama pa ang pagkaka-alala ko kung ibibigay o ipagbibili sa napagkasunduang halaga at hindi batay sa sukat.) Sa sobrang pagal na rin, bumigay ang katawan nya at bumagsak sya sa kanyang kamatayan. Dinatnan sya dun ng may-ari ng lupa at ginawan ng hukay na paglilibingan at ang naging tuldok ay ang pagsasabi ng may-lupa (ang nakabalat-kayong demonyo) na yun lang naman daw lupa na ginamit nyang libingan ang lupang kakailanganin nya. Oo, tungkol sya sa pagkagahaman at ang moralidad na hindi ang yaman ang dapat gawing pamantayan ng pagiging buhay. Matindi ang naging dating nya sa akin after three or four years ay naaalala ko pa rin sya. Paanong kinaligtaan ko lang basta ang alam ko na para matutunan lang yun uli?

                For long I have lived sad and unable to produce unhampered happiness for myself. I am hesitant to savor what the world offers simply because I lack money because I have to scrimp to keep alive. I must be getting too much used to that. I allowed it to take-over in managing my life. God is so good (slash that out, He’s the greatest) to bestow me gifts that would not be matched by money or hard work; presents I do not have to toil for to receive. I became too haggard with thinking how hard it is to keep alive. How intensely I have limited my mind that only money can magic into being my long-held wishes. Why did I concentrate on what I lack; it drowned me as I dive deep for them, forgetting that I should (and need to) resurface because that is more important. It made me feel like I was the character in Leo Tolstoy’s story, the greedy man who fatigued himself to death by walking farther and farther before the sun sets without breaks or rests because the land-owner agreed that however far in the fields he reached, there his land markers would be. The land-owner, by sun down, found him dead deep in the fields, far from the egdes. It ended with the land-owner (actually the devil in disguise) remarking “Yes, this is enough. This would be all the land he’ll ever need,” pertaining to the shallow grave they buried him in. Yes it is about greed and the morality that life is not measured by riches a person accumulates. It has a significant impact to me for after three or four years from when I read it, I could recall the story. (I must’ve liked it even; I remembered the author’s name.) How could I easily forget what I knew to learn it over again?

Nasadlak din ako sa pag-iisip na aalis na ako bukas.(Enero a-singko pa lang nang maisip ko ito. Sa katunayan, matutulog na dapat ako kaso di ako makatulog at alam kong hindi ako patutulugin ng mga pangyayari kung hindi ko sila itatala.) Mag-isa na naman ako at kapag dinatnan ako ng matinding panlalamig, wala akong taong pwedeng akapin at hingan ng init pampawi ginaw sa pagtulog. Nasa Maynila na naman ako ilang oras mula ngayon upang magtrabaho. Halos ito ang magiging una kong trabaho dahil sa una kong trabaho ay hindi naman gano’n ka-sidhi ang kinailangan kong pag-iisip at naranasang pagbabantay mula sa boss. Iba na ngayon.

I was also caught into thinking that I will be leaving by tomorrow. I will be by myself once more when the chills come; I will have no one to embrace and lend me warmth as I sleep. I will be in Manila hours from now for work. This could be considered as my first job because my first one was not as rigid in its thinking demands or was it enough preparation in dealing with superiors. This one is a very different matter.

 Natatakot ako. Sa opisina na ako magtatrabaho. Naalala kong bigla na kaya ko kinuha ang trabahong ito para may pang-agdong buhay. Hindi naman sa ayaw ko sa kanya pero hindi naman ito ang pinapangarap kong trabaho. Hindi ko nakikitang ginagawa ko ang trabahong ito hanggang sa ako’y mangulubot at umukod. Hindi ko inaasam na magkaroon ng ganoong trabaho kung itutugma ito sa bagay na ninanais ko talagang gawin. Hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang trabahong nais kong magkaroon, yung talagang pinapangarap ko, yung ninanais kong gawin hanggang sa hindi na ako kumukurap o mahal na mahal ko talaga na handa akong mabuhay at mamatay para sa gawaing iyon. Wala pa. Nababagabag ako.

I am fearful. I will be working in an office. It brings back to mind that I applied for this mainly to earn a living. It’s not that I dislike it. It’s just not the work I dream of having. I cannot see myself by now being in that field until I am wrinkled and hunched. It is not the work that I want if I compare it to my standard as something I love and enjoy doing. I still don’t know yet the occupation I really want to be in, that which I really yearn for, something I would want to do until I can blink no more, that which I passionately am for I will live and die for it. I haven’t found out yet. That troubles me.

Marami akong agam-agam sa mga maaaring mangyari. Paano ba ako makakasiguro na tama ang gagawin ko? na may kapupuntahan ang mga hakbangin ko ngayon sa kinabukasan? Paano kung mapapariwara ako dahil dito sa desisyon ko na sa ngayon ay hindi ko pa matantya kung tama o mali? Nawawala ako. Tapos, (panahon talaga ng Diyos kahit kalian, dapat handa ka lang makinig) narinig ko sa isip ko, I am the way, the truth and the life. Kesyo produkto ito ng memory recall sa mga naging daily devotions ko o revelation ito from the Holy Spirit, hindi ko na uungkatin pa. Kinontra ko pa nga yun kasi nabinbin na yung devotions ko for mga two weeks na rin siguro sa Esther. Nahihiwagaan kasi ako sa parteng naging masunurin si Esther sa mga payo nina Hegai at Mordecai kaya sya naging matagumpay. Yun na naman yung tanong ko, “Paano ko ba masisiguro na tama yung sinusunod ko?” Tapos sumingit pa si father Abraham. Kasi hindi sya sumunod sa pamilya nya katulad ni Esther kay Mordecai. Lumayo pa nga sya sa kanila tapos di rin naman sya nakarating sa Canaan. Pero good in the Lord’s eyes pareho yung ginawa nila. Basta, ang linaw-linaw nung pagkasabi. Umulit pa uli, ganito naman ang pagkasabi, Hindi ka mawawala, iilawan ko ang landas mo. Hindi ka maliligaw, ako na mismo yung landas na inaapakan mo. Hindi ka malilinlang kasi eto na ako, ang katotohanan, kasama mo.

                I am filled with doubts for all that could happen. How would I be sure that what I would be doing is right? that the actions I take now would lead to something in the future? What if I ruin my life instead by decisions I could not yet know now as good or bad? I am lost. Then, (anytime is really God’s time only if we listen) I heard in my mind I am the way, the truth and the life. Whether it is a product of memory recall from my daily devotions or a revelation from the Holy Spirit, I could not surmise nor try to. I even contradicted it because my devotions was stuck with Esther for two weeks. I was mystified by Esther’s obedience to Hegai and Mordecai that led to her success. That was my next question, “How will I be sure that I am right in following this person?” Then came thoughts about Abraham. Unlike Esther to Mordecai, he didn’t follow his relatives’ principles. He left instead but he didn’t even get to stay in Canaan. But both were good in God’s eyes. Again, the enunciation was clear. I heard it again, versed this way, You won’t get lost, I will light your way. You won’t get on the wrong path, I am the way. You won’t be deceived because I am here; I am the truth and I am with you.

Gumaan yung mga isipin ko. Na-excite pa ako kasi pwede na akong maging bata uli. Katulad nung mga panahon na Junior Casa pa lang ako, pumapasok ako sa school araw-araw na walang agam-agam kesyo dapat tama yung sagot ko pag-tinanong ni teacher o kung magugustuhan at tatanggapin ba ako ng classmates ko o kung alam ko ba na may exam at kung handa ako para don. Wala akong pakialam, basta papasok ako ngayong araw na ito. Kung anuman ang dumating, sigurado kaya ko yun. Kahit anong ipagawa, okay lang ako – sayaw kung sayaw at sali sa lahat ng parlor games pag nagkataong may birthday party ang kaklase ko. Hatakin man ako ng kaklase kong atat habang nagswing pa ako at mapauwi ng di oras dahil sa malaking bukol sa noo, basta pag may klase uli, handa akong pumasok. Ganon. Hindi na ako nangangamba sa mismong bukas dahil hindi na ako makapag-intay. Ang tinatanaw ko kasi yung ako kapag malaki na ako, yung ako na nabubuhay bawat araw sa katuparan ng kanyang mga pangarap. Hindi ako ma-stress ng ngayon o ng kahapon kasi kitang-kita ko na yung ending ko. Yun na yun oh, kayang-kaya ko maging gano’n pag malaki na ako.

My thoughts took on a lighter weight. I was even excited because I felt I was permitted to become a child again. When I was still in Junior Casa, I went to school everyday without trepidation about how I would answer the teacher’s question or if I will be liked or accepted by my classmates or if I would fare well if an exam came up. I did not care; I simply resolved to be in school when there were classes. Whatever comes, I am sure I can handle it. Whatever demands to be done, I agree with it – dance when asked to and join in each parlor game if there was a surprise birthday party for my classmate. Even if my classmate pulled the swing from under me while I was still in it that I ended up at home earlier because of a huge bump on my forehead, as long as there still are classes, I was ready for it. Just like that. I am not worried of tomorrow per se because I can’t wait. I was already seeing the me I will become were I was older, where daily I lived the life I was confined to only dream of. I am not stressed by today or yesterday because I already see how I would end. That’s it there, I am very capable of being like that when I’m grown.

Bibiruin ko muna yung bata kong sarili, Kaya siguro di mo pa naaabot yung pangarap mo (kung  anuman yun, di ko pa alam ngayon), tingnan mo oh, di na ako tumangkad. Di ko ata naabot yung paglaki na na-imagine mo. Pero kontra biro, ang saya. Pakiramdam ko nagbalik yung pakiramdam nung bata pa ako na kahit anong mangyari, maaabot ko yung pangarap ko kaya mangarap lang ako. Kesyo ano pang hadlang ang dumating o maging sagabal, akin talaga yung tadhanang yun, nag-iintay para lang sa akin. Wala akong kaagaw o kahati at hindi rin ako dapat magmadali. Dapat ko lang talagang daanan yung mga balakid na nasa landas ko kahit pa magkasugat-sugat o manlimahid ako (Pwede naman kasi maligo para malinis uli.) kasi sa akin talaga mapupunta yung nasa dulo – yun talaga ako.

                I will tease the younger me first, Maybe you haven’t reached your dreams (which are still unknown to me) because look, you didn’t grow up as tall as you’ve imagined you would be. Seriously, it’s fantastic. I felt I was inwardly the child I was – that come what may, I will attain my dreams so I should dream on. Whatever hurdles come or interferences arrive, that destiny is mine – waiting only for me. No one could take it from or share it with me so there’s no hurry. I really should face the challenges on my path even if I would be injured or dirty (I can always take a bath after to keep myself clean.) because what’s in the end is really mine – the real me.

Kung paano mang naging matatakutin ako mula sa walang-makakatinag-sa-akin na batang ako, hindi ngayon ang panahon para imbestigahan. Hindi ako dapat mabuhay sa takot para lang mapalaki yung pugwang ng takot bago ko yun palitan ng pananampalataya. Pwede ko namang palakihin ang guwang na yun dahil sa taglay na paniniwala. Hindi ko na kailangang magtyagang matakot. Sabi nga nung Sachiko sa buwan (nitong holidays na-inspire ako sa kwentong ito sa pang-umagang animazing cartoons ng local television network), sa loob ang bawat bata ay natural na matatag ang kalooban/malakas ang loob/matapang/hindi mahiyain o matatakutin, masayahin at handa sa kung anumang dumating. Bale, kinasanayan ko lang pala ang pagiging matatakutin; hindi talaga ako yun. Kailangan ko lang magpakatotoo. Sigurado naman ako na may tatanggap at magmamahal sa akin kapag ginawa ko yun - ang pamilya ko. Isa pa, paulit-ulit na pinapaalala ng Dyos sa akin na andito Sya, buhay at makapangyayari. Oo, katulad nina Esther at Abraham, walang formula para makasiguro na tama ang pinaniniwalaan mo, ang sinusunod mo. Pati yun, nasa mga kamay pa rin Niya. Paano pa ba ako makaka-kontra eh alam ko na yung comfort na nadama ko galing sa Kanya, may pagka-answered prayer ba. Nung mga nakaraan kasi madalas kong ipinipilit yun. Sabi ko, Lord, kahit pa magpumiglas ako, sumubok makawala o magpilit lumayo Sa’yo, huwag mo akong papakawalan please. Oh di ba, kahit ilang araw at gabi na akong hindi man lang makaalalang manalangin, to the rescue pa rin Sya? 

How I became fearful from the unflinching child I was is not to be investigated now. I shouldn’t live in fear only for it to create roomy space which I plan to fill with faith later on. I could already come up with a lofty room for faith by filling it up with faith already. There is no reason for me to bear fearfulness. Sachiko in the moon said (during the past holidays I was inspired by this story for the morning animazing cartoons of the local television network) that within each child there is a natural boldness and firmness of heart, cheerfulness and preparedness for everything. So I only got used to being fearful; that really is not me. I only need to be true to my nature. I have the assurance that there would be people who would love me when I do – my family. Other than that, the Lord reminds me that He is here, alive and sovereign. Yes, like Esther and Abraham, there is no formula to secure the validity of your principles which you follow. Even that is in His hands. How could I oppose His presence and power when beyond reason I am settled that that was an answered prayer? As sheep, I am familiar with my shepherd’s voice. In the past I have insisted on this. I prayed, Lord, even if I resist, trying to get off your care or get away from You, don’t let me go please. I testify that He is faithful. For days I haven’t even remembered that I should pray but He still rescued me when I needed Him.

Mas may dahilan ako ngayon para umusad. Kailangan kong magtrabaho para kumita nang pera at nang ma-suportahan si Shiela. Sasabihin ko pa dapat ang kalagayan ni Shiela pero tanggap ko na na sya na rin yun. Ang maselan nyang kondisyon na nagdudulot ng pagkukumbulsyon at pagkahuli ng kanyang pag-iisip (Kilala nyo na siguro si Shiela kung madalas kayong nagbabasa sa blog na ito.)  ay talaga namang itinutulak ako para kumita ng malaki. Mahal na tustusin ang pagsisigurong maayos si Shiela. Nariyan na ang gamot, pa-doctor, mga test, diapers, maghapong pag-air con at ang restriksyon sa paglalakbay. Kailangan talaga naming ng de-aircon na sasakyan kung gusto naming sama-sama kami sa paglalakbay. Kahit simpleng pagpunta sa simbahan, madalang naming magawa. Una, aarkila pa ng traysikel. Tapos, kung papara lang naman ng dyip, itutulak pa ng nanay ko sa stroller na mas malaki pa si Shiela na lulan sya papuntang simbahan. Hassle. Ang pinaka-masaklap pag inabot sya ng sumpong sa mainit, matao o masikip na lugar. Nung minsan nga inabot sya sa Jollibee, hindi ko sya mai-pwesto ng maayos kasi nga hindi naman equipped ang mga establishments para sa ganung mga sitwasyon kaya tiis-tiis. Binabayo na nya yung likod ko at hirap na hirap akong iiwas yung pagumpog ng ulo nya sa balikat ko habang yakap ko sya. Wala na akong pakialam nun na pasa-pasa ako pagkatapos. Ang hindi ko matanggap ayun, hirap na hirap na sa kakakisay yung kapatid ko, di ko maayos yung pwesto nya, tumatama yung paa nya sa bakal na paa nung mesa  tapos pinagtitinginan pa kami ng mga tao. Pinagtitinginan lang. Ube yung binti nya pagkatapos at itinawid ako ng pride ko para hindi maiyak nang mga panahong iyon. Hindi namin kailangan ng simpatya.

I have more reasons to move forward. I have to work to earn for Shiela. I would’ve chattered about Shiela’s conditions but I choose not to, I have accepted her as she is. (If you have read constantly from my blog you would know what I meant by this.) Her conditions are pushing me into striving to earn much. Shiela’s state requires lots of money for prescribed medication, doctor fees, tests, diapers, an everyday of air con electric bills and traveling restrictions. (There’s no need to translate in English the rest of the paragraph. I don’t need sympathy.)

Binibigyan na ako ni Lord ng dahilan para yumaman. Pakiramdam ko sabi Nya, Oy, wala ka nang choice. Dapat maging mayaman ka. I-claim mo na yung blessing ko na yun para sa iyo. Andiyan si Shiela para huwag mong kalimutan na nag-iintay yun para sa’yo. Solong-solo mo yun, nilaan ko lang para sa iyo. Kaya naman bawal maging tamad ever. Alam kong lalasapin din ni Shiela na mas mabuhay nang katulad nang pangkaraniwang tao, nakakapamasyal kasama ang pamilya, nakakapaglakad, nakakapagsalita at nakikipaglaro ng takbuhan o kung anuman sa mga ka-edad nya. Bigla kong naalala. Oo, ito nga pala ang dahilan kung bakit gusto kong matutong mag-magic. Para ma-magic ko yung mga kailangan ni Shiela. Yung yaman, darating din sa akin yun pero di ako dapat mamroblema para dun. Kailangan ko lang magsikap, ang Dyos na ang bahala. Kasi nga, ang utos naman sa akin, itulak lang yung batong mas malaki sa akin. Di ang pagtulak ko ang gagalaw sa batong yun, papanoorin ko lang pag sapat na yung tulak ko kung paanong aalisin yun ng Dyos sa daraanan ko.

The Lord is giving me concrete reasons to work at being rich. I was sensing He was telling me, You have no choice. You have to get wealthy. Claim that blessing I have laid for you. I set Shiela there to remind you of it. That blessing is meant for you, only for you, waiting for you. So I have decreed against laziness. I don’t have the luxury to accommodate it even for a second. I could forsee that Shiela would be able to experience life as others experience it, going out with family, walking, talking and running or joining whatever game those of her age indulge in. Then it came to me that those were the same reasons why I wanted to learn how to use magic. I wanted to use it for Shiela’s needs. That wealth, it will come to me so I don’t have to worry about it. I only have to be diligent; God would be in charge of everything else. He commanded me to push on a rock much larger than I am. It is not my efforts that would move that rock. My purpose is to watch how after I have pushed with all my might, God would move it out of my way.