14 January 2013
I am weak. So weak. But I compensate through inspiration. I
am surrounded by people who are strong.
My strong people are weak. My mother’s an inveterate
worrier, my father’s an impulsive, impatient avoider. But I get my strength
from them. My dad is an alpha male, very dominant. We clash often; I must’ve
inherited his obstinacy and bossiness. My mother’s the enduring type, always
patient and diligent, bearing her burden daily and responsibly. Mom called and
asked me to lie to my grandmother-her mother-about the sum of money we were
supposed to get for her - hospital fee reimbursement.
Of course I protested. I have a healthy relationship with my
mom to venture lecturing her. Why, my mother is teaching her daughter to lie to
her mother. Why wouldn’t I feel scandalized, I always thought it was parents’
responsibility to uphold virtue even if only before their children? My mother
had to go that far. What troubled situation I am entangling myself in. And I
feel totally alone. And sad. I miss them more than ever. I would want to
observe again Shiela’s strength in her oblivion. To chat my mother out of her
worries. To be fuming mad and biting my tongue in respect for my dad. He can be
so infuriating; he’s worse than any of us females in the household when we’re
PMSing. To bear on pressure without seeming so like Sam.
I am lonesome. And I have no one to talk to about how hard
it is. I wouldn’t want to burden my friends with my affairs. If only our money
glitch only involved thinking where we would get our daily expenditures, I will
work my ass out to make it. But it’s different - we ingested more than we can
chew and digest. I feel helpless. I can’t do anything about it. How would I be
able to raise that much money in a short time if not by winning the lottery?
Mom depends on me. I know she bore the brunt all too hard and long now. There’s
no one she speaks to about it other than me. How can I tell her that I’ve had
enough of it? That I shouldn’t be burdened by it as well? Or how it has robbed
me of my youth and humanity? I had to listen. I can’t un-hear what I heard. And
I have the ball now. That’s no fun because I’ve got no one to throw it to. No playmate
is around to catch it.
I have to be strong even if that meant blindly holding on to
my conceived perception of the strength
of these people who are at the same time weak as I have observed. There should
be something I am to hold on to though it be non-existent. I can feed myself
with those illusions.
In the workplace, I am at odds with my team mates. We work
for the same project but somehow I sense they are pushing me out. I couldn’t
just barge in, they’ve been working together for the project for long before I
came. It’s expected they would get along well and better. They’re both nice but
mayhap I am over-sensitive or I assume too much but I sense resistance, as if I
am a burden to them. They make me think more than twice before I speak up I
decide not to talk at all. Both drive me over-conscious of the usefulness of my
input; that I might blurt out something that would mainly waste their time more
than it would make me appear foolish. They know better at this and their
rapport is visible and palpable, a curtain that keeps me out. They are able to
think fast and visualize mainly through words. I can’t yet. I need more time. I
can’t just hop in but I’m anxious waiting here at the sidelines. I feel the
pressure of not being myself to fit in when I’m with them. It’s stifling
because I’m trying to not be myself. I don’t know how I should orient myself
around them. I thought it’s because they are males but I’ve proved that wrong,
I got along fine with another male workmate. That’s not it. Their closeness and
familiarity with each other. I could only account it to that. They already know
what to do. And they already understand each other even without speaking
complete sentences. Both are busy people and they’ve got lots to do to be
troubled by my thoughtless questions.
After blathing about my concerns, I feel better. It’s fine
if no one listens, I only have to speak out in anyway, to confirm that I exist
because I hear my own voice.
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