Breaking Custom

14 December 2012

Last December 13, I was excited for my friend, Julliene’s pageant, Mr & Ms PLM Medicine 2012. I wore an orange and black spaghetti-strapped knee-length dress. I also put on lipstick and my hair was down. J But I am sooo thinking then, I forgot that I’d be joining the lantern parade.

 It happened to be a windy day and I was occupied with deciding whether I fix my hair or hold on to the skirt of my dress as I walked towards Lara hall to meet up with Micai. We even took pictures with Tala and Krezia before the Lara Christmas tree. Thanks Ate Susan!

I no longer minded if I was the odd one out in the lantern parade. CPH was in blue and there I was in my very apt attire before the faculty of CPH, most of whom I am familiar with through the two college major years.  I can’t help but wonder if in events like this I would ever feel that I belonged. I wanted to own the parade as well, not to watch it. And I silently regretted how I made myself desolate during college, channeling my odes to the swaying branches of a far tree that towers above different peoples’ heads, a crowd of distinction I am clamoring to be a part of.

I kept on, running with my sling bag on the left shoulder and blowing out the New Year horn prop as I duck for the CPH wave and hold onto the gold folded paper hat atop my now dry and willful hair. My feet are both squirmy and sweaty and muddy, slipping off the smooth surface of my ostentatious footwear. And it was my first day. I finally had my period after 2 months!

Micai and I scooted to Robinson’s by the bend for Yen’s event. I simply dusted off powder to my face. I no longer attempted to fix my hair. It will only become wily; looking like an autumn broom of collated bush if I comb it. It is not an option to tie it up, I will be exposed.  As Micai and I walked around waiting for a cab and I annoyingly kept pointing out that the Mini Cooper has rounded the entrance of Rob Manila about six times before it left, we talked. Honestly, I did most of the talking.  Micai makes me so at ease I no longer think before I speak. It’s as if I know I wouldn’t be judged by her. That’s how it is with family isn’t it? You inhale each other’s fart and give allowances to another’s annoying smell or irritating habits. But you stay by each other and keep together.

Then we were there! With Vivi and Sim! We were reunited and we were really excited. I barely gave attention to the new people I was introduced to - Harold and Pia, Yen’s sectionmates. We also saw Pauba and Tin Dueñas before we were allowed to enter the venue. It was much like an auditorium, but larger than CPH’s.

I must’ve bugged off Micai. I was so uncouth and noisy! I blew the lantern parade horn prop to cheer at Yen. I was impressed with how PLM Med held their event. Even if they opened up late, the event ran smoothly. The hosts were okay. But I can say the guy host appealed a better communicator for me because his face was filled with more expression, he was able to pull off his spiels even as he looked at the cue card as if he were in natural unscripted conversation and he was more adept in delivering ad lib. The lady was not bad but she could break off from the rigidity of the cue card if she took more frequent breaks to maintain eye contact. Micai said initially that she sounded like Nhet, I agreed and I insisted later that she resembles Christine Reyes because of her brows and nose line. She also has dimples but not as remarkable as Christine’s.

The theme was Philippine festivals. Some costumes were really too-costumey. Some were very creative and would pass as of quality. At first, it was so strange for me to see the Higantes festival representatives because they had a larger than them Higante maché on their backs that were dressed like them. But soon, because the lady was graceful and beaming in manner, I was converted into admiration for her and the giants on their back no longer discount them at all. Yen was a revelation. It was a bare all for her. Her figure is great! Her back is revealed and her legs too! With her costume so daring she might as well could’ve worn bikinis. Yen is hot! Though I sense she was so conscious, I was proud of her because she got past an initial fright of insecurity by actually baring herself like that. I am very happy for her, she’s grown into a stronger lady.

As the night commenced, I realized that beauty should be coupled with confidence. Yes physical beauty might be an advantage, but if you are not accepting of who you are, you would not be able to exude your impression of beauty to impact others. The projection of some candidates is so winsome you might be convinced that they are beautiful and you become curious to discover what you can’t see but they have that makes them act that way. Pageants are in a way a picture of commerce, how people sell themselves to others, conscious of the competition and not immune to pressure.

On the second take of the raffle draw, I was startled that I won a prize. Kimpat was the male host for the raffle segment. And he was stating my name over and over. I was unsure if it was me. Not that my name’s too common that there would be someone with the same name around but it is not so uncommon either - I have a namesake if you Google my name. After several repeats, I was sure no one was claiming the prize. I was somehow convinced that it was me. I walked the isle to the front. There the surprised Kimpat acknowledged my presence and I was still out of wits I only said thank you sa sponsors when I was asked to speak through the mic. I went off with the green loot bag on my right shoulder. I was surprised still.

It is amazing how life opens up doors for you when you’re not expecting it to do so because you’re just going your own way, opening doors of your liking. I’ve remembered the times when I desperately wanted to win during my BS PH years and I didn’t. Life is full of surprises it’s like you should always have plenty of backdoors for it to pass through to surprise you. Or you should at least be unlocking doors that are already there so it can enter through them. God is the Lord of Everything; this is his surprise for me.

 I was bewildered. I still can’t understand why it has to be me. Is it because I wore a dress and put my hair down? I now find the reason why people fall into the fallacy of associating favorable events with the activities that they did prior to the other. I am simply grateful I’ve got so much than I paid for. The ticket is actually at Php 50. I even asked Micai earlier if we had a chance to win, phrased this way: Hindi tayo kasali sa raffle na yun di ba?

I still am fascinated by people. Micai for one fascinates me. She’s so full of potential but something’s holding her back, I don’t know what that is. Her indecision also reminds me of myself. I am not alone. We are into different levels of uptightness because of our fears.

Gemmy soon joined us. Micai was very different with her than with me. I know I must’ve annoyed her. I really have no tact in asking. I ask straightforward questions every now and then. My tiresome questioning got tired retorts of politeness. I am being a pest. But I want to know her more. I aim that my questioning and prodding might cause her to break out of what’s holding her back. She’s full of sentimentality. She told me she was having second thoughts about meeting Yen now because she already has a different set of friends now, she’s having that selfishness of wanting the memories to be always fresh if they can’t find time to make new ones. But I don’t judge her for that. I also live by the same rule. Mine just goes more disastrous because I always believe that’s nothing’s changed; everything’s just like before between me and my friends even if we haven’t been in each other’s lives for so long. It leaves me more estranged when I simply want them back.

We also saw Angela, Arem, Em and Lelis. Lelis even travelled from Ortigas to Intramuros. And she’s into med at that! See, that’s how it is! Aya reminded me today about that. Yes, you have lots of responsibilities on your plate. But you are not all into being responsible. Give room for constructive distractions - a change of pace and view that enriches your being. These are distractions to keep you going. This is what Moi meant when she said she really needs to be part of a dance org because she needs something to keep her mind off her studies or else she would find herself lost in it.

That must be how it is with love as well. In romantic relationships, I have been advised through the lives of other people, that you should still leave room for yourself. It’s not only about you as partner. You should also grow as you the person - enjoying your hobbies, keeping with your friends, having time alone.  Our responsibilities should not keep us from our right to leisure. I better know that now. J

I am growing as a person. I will remove my restrictive shoes while I still can blossom out from the induced lotus feet psyche. My strong sense of self will emerge.  I will fight my battle of fear and know that as I win mine, I partially give others their freedom from fear as well.