Uptight Me

9 December 2012

Gab slept at my house. She had spent a fortune on me already, I owe her much. Spending the day together, I realized who I am. Together, we have been confronted by our fears and unnecessary inhibitions. She spoke to me of her emancipation from her self-instituted isolation, her innate care for the company she works for, her dedication for her career, her newfound inner independence. And I realized that somehow, we are the same. We’ve been going through wanting to know who we are, what we really want to do and become.

I was staggered at how much restrictive I was of myself in relation to finances. I know my finances are skimpy, skimpier than the clothes I ever dared to wear. And how paltry my allowance is, I match with overwhelming conservativeness in all forms. I took account of every single penny I spend and do not allow myself at all to spend for anything indulgent.

From an average person sense that meant I restricted myself from having fun. Not that I meant fun is equivalent to money. I’ve always wanted to prove that paradigm wrong but the more I deny myself, the more bitterly I admit to it.

 By fun I meant, I do not eat anymore unless I really am terribly hungry just so I could save up and meet more days with what’s left to the ever dwindling allowance. That meant objectively that I was barred from eating anything unnecessary like chocolate, ice cream or anything considered to cause one comfort. After all I already rarely eat so what’s the use of spending money on frivolous cravings? Better I use it for the next day’s only meal which would either be a pack of instant soup noodles or one boiled egg. That’s how I reasoned it out.

I was so afraid of spending, I do not watch movies if they weren’t for free or very cheap (thanks to SM’s Php15 movie!). I also refuse to commute if I could walk to it, from P. Gil to SM Manila or from P. Gil to Intramuros and back. If going somewhere else meant paying for transportation fees, I refused to go, limiting myself to areas I could reach by foot. I even limited my sense of adventure and travel to make finances last. I do not buy clothes at all for myself. All my clothes and apparel were given to me, mostly second-hand from relatives. When I get the rare thought to spend on clothes, I only buy from ukay-ukay. All my underwear, I did not buy myself. My mother had to insist to get them for me. When I had my pay from my first job, it ended in a disaster since I do not know how to choose for myself. I ended up not wearing at all those that I bought which I actually believed were bargains. Bargains or not, they were pointless because I do not use them at all. And my idea when I spend for a meal is that 75Php for a single meal is too much. In fact, 39ers from Jollibee is already an extravagance.

I had an idea of what good quality for things are except for clothes so I know when a bag was worth its price or a real one-use disposable product transaction.  When I want a thing, other than clothes, I look for the best quality available then when I discover I cannot afford it at all and I do not need it urgently, I do not buy any of that thing; not even the low-ends or imitations. That won’t do. Better none than one that would only prove to be a liability. I always reasoned that way. I do not buy anything; not shoes, bags or phones or accessories. Though inwardly, I have an interest for fashion, make-up and looking my best, I allowed that limit in finances to restrict me from my true self.

Soon it became a habit already because I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford for what I want even if I save up for it since I always end up spending money for more important matters. But those important matters are really more important to me than those I want to buy. Those important matters would always mean food and water.

I believe I know the full value of a peso. Every time I was supposed to buy anything considered indulgent I talk myself out of the experience or the property claim by equating it with food. Ah, that would amount to about five meals already for me I advocate, when my lone daily meal is only 25Php a day.

I will not buy anything at all except in times of pressing need for that merchandise. What I was doing for myself I justified as survival mode delayed gratification. I decided not to seek wanting so I will not end sore for not getting it. I also credited it as being righteous as I no longer give my heart to whatever is material.

I was so pre-occupied with the concept of spreading my finances so thin, I no longer had fun. All activities that are fun which involves spending would receive a no for me. So I rarely went out with friends from school to hang-out because their hanging out always involves money: going to the arcade, watching movies, videoke, bar hopping, shopping, online gaming, eating out.

Ultimately, I was programming myself to equate fun with spending and spending beyond necessity as sin. And the fun that was to me before was socializing, going out, doing things together or seeing things together with other people was scrapped. It appeared as sinful to me to be in the company of someone because it eventually meant unnecessary spending. It was not alleviated at all but bolstered by the people surrounding me.

My lifestyle to those of my batchmates is very polar. I was sure I would not meet up with them especially when at the beginning of my college days, a blockmate-groupmate I had, kept on talking during the group meeting about the famous capitalist, elite symbol Starbucks coffee. She ignored me, worse she made it clear she didn’t want me there. I really felt out and unwanted. She even acted that way towards me, as if she didn’t want someone as shabby as me to be in the same conversation. That was a great welcome for college from my university, the university supposedly giving chances to the poor but deserving students.

Thinking about it now, maybe it is she who’s out of place? Is it even my fault that I am poor or her advantage at all that she is rich? Why, she has not made out anything for herself at all yet! Yes it is to her advantage at some points that she gets more support for what she needs to do than I do but without that support, how would she fare? Maybe that instance traumatized me. It went into me insidiously day by day, unnoticeably resenting the ease that comes with financial security, and overindulgence. Yes they are that rich that they can afford to overindulge.

The cruelty of seeing but not living indulgence is crushing. I disliked them for having everything so easy for them, that they get what they want without working for it or their capabilities to reward themselves for hard work when I cannot even reinforce myself with an extra meal because I know if I do so, there will be hunger and when I need more money, it won’t easily come by. They barely make it at home already. That made me too aware of not being indulgent. For every amount I spend, I keep thinking, ah they would’ve used this for two days for the prescription meds or the anti-asthma inhalers or to pay for my other sister’s tuition fee. I must’ve thought that maybe if I haven’t existed at all, my parents wouldn’t be having a hard time making up money for me and that money would’ve been very helpful to meet all their other expenditures.

Year by year of not wanting and scrimping to death, my cheer and self-esteem were all gone. I have no personality left; I was a walking empty inside but still locked bank bolt. All that was in my mind was, I have to make it through this day. And I testify that it is very difficult to get something into your head with an empty stomach. Having an empty grumbling stomach is overwhelming by itself. I decide at times to go to sleep when water can no longer substitute for the clamor for nourishment. During those times, I have no one to ask help from. I carried it on all by myself for four years through my beloved course public health. My body mechanics also changed and went beyond submission. Lack of nourishment sends my body to integrated automatic black-out sleep to replenish or re-energize, maybe to sustain itself. I no longer have time to review and still feel that I didn’t get enough sleep.

I always tried to find the cheaper end of things. Modules cost much but you don’t use them entirely. Nevertheless, they are required. Reference books are available in the library and I had to frequent the libraries of the university’s colleges often to renew my right to borrow. And at most times, there were no books and the topics are so visual, they require internet access to really know what’s going on. Moments like those, I try to recall from my illustrations what I really saw and too much slides and specimens to view are no match to my not photographic memory. I kept attributing that were we given the same conditions, I am sure I will do better than that blockmate-groupmate. I somehow was blaming my inability to achieve honors at that time to that emptiness. But by God’s eminent grace, I graduated on time, without any failed subjects.

With that mindset, I have thwarted myself from wanting anything until I no longer want anything at all save those that I desperately need. It no longer mattered if I prefer chicken over beef or if I want noodles to be drained or in a soup. What I wasn’t aware of was through this consistent restricting and delay for self-gratification, waiting for others to gratify your needs at no cost to you even if you don’t ask, accepting what is given to you because you need them even if you don’t want them (that’s the way it is with clothes) killed me. I was declaring inwardly by that that I will not have them (what I want) anyway so there’s no use in choosing or in wanting at all. There was no point in wanting because I can never end up getting it. I would not get what I want now so think about other things for the moment. I was slowly wanting myself away by not wanting. I am no longer a person; I am but a robot always waiting for commands to accomplish, guilty at having fun or having a good time, measuring myself according to my activities and productiveness, not for myself alone.

And now that I’ve realized that, after I bought something for myself and was a trifle guilty for it, I want to have myself back. I will find it. I do not want to be the prodigal son’s older brother, doing things because he is bound by duty and not by love that he measures himself according to his productivity and not for himself. Because I am not being productive for some time, I felt that way. I cannot value myself apart from what I can produce or do. I am not a human doing, but a human being.

I also have mistakenly equated beauty with money. That without money, you could not be beautiful. Keeping up appearances became sin in my eyes even if innately as a child, I was fascinated by it, dreaming that one day, I will be such a lady. I will be a beautiful lady. I will look smart and sophisticated and trendy. But what happened? I know consider it all a waste or pretentiousness. Yes how you appear may not be your worth, but how you see yourself is what matters. By not fixing on my appearance, even if I have graduated, I remain proletariat looking in the professional field. I am dissatisfied with how I appear and that reflects how I see myself and how I permit others to deal with me. I thought my spirit was indomitable to discover I no longer have will. It has shriveled with my capacity to want. I am both body and spirit and the care I give to my spirit should be felt also by my body. So now, tasteless (learned enough by receiving and using in thankfulness what was received) me has to gear up and not dread even the most natural preening of oneself in the public restroom. There is nothing wrong in making yourself look good.

I am to love myself first and not rely on the love others might dole out to me. I am to love myself first; it is my prime reason to live, to love myself. My allegiance is to myself first before any other. I am to give importance to myself and not limit myself any longer just because money restricts me. My heart and mind not to be pre-occupied by scheming on the limits set by finances, always holding on tight to it. I have made an idol of that for so long, always relying only on myself. I have a living God. He is my Father. I should let Him be my Father, asking from Him what I need, keeping my eyes on Him only for love. Keeping my heart and mind on Him and not on any state I am in, be it lacking or abundant. Doing things in Him and for Him. I was loved not because of who I am or what I can do but because I was loved. No wonder I let others to step on me until I can’t stand it anymore; I did it first to myself.

To this day, I even save water I use for my hair for use in the pour-flush toilet; clean water for flushing is not economical.