14 December 2012
I really have to know myself better. This blogging thing is
an exercise for my self-consciousness. I want to be more aware of myself of who
I really am. Not mostly who other people want me to be but who I really am. The
book I was reading, entitled Born to Win
which I mentioned in Resentment Kill Off, discusses that people function
from three ego states, the parent, adult and the child. My lack of wanting and
stifled-ness which prevents individual growth stems from my lack of nurturing
the child. It bursts then unprecedentedly through resentment, insecurity, lack
of self-satisfaction, depression and boredom.
I may not have realized it before but during my college
days, whenever I was stressed, I reverted back to what I loved doing best when
I was a child. I wanted to color with crayons. I sketch and fill in spaces and
color it. Then, I remember that I was always a contented child back then even
if I was alone. I actually enjoyed being solitary but I do not cringe from
attention (which I do now especially when I take pains with my appearance). I
did not shirk away from growth then and as my favorite James Morrison sings, Once When I was Little, I could only see
that the world would get better and that it could only show me good times.
I long for those days of ignorance and unspotted-ness from
the plights of humanity. Back then I could only speak of hunger and poverty and
depression and rifts and awkwardness and isolation and difficulty with
expression and communicating from ideals that would always come primarily from
second-hand data. I could say then like the male semi-finalists for Mr. PLM
Medicine 2012 that money is something for buying things; that my life shouldn’t
revolve around it or as succinctly as Mr. PLM Medicine said: money is something
that you earn from doing what you love. That would be my adult version of the
fairy tale – to be paid for doing something that I love. I envy those who are
doing so. I only said that for the sake of expression but really, I want to
attain that too and I am absolutely happy for them and I give them my prayers
that they be at peace within. But, hey, I shouldn’t let the ills of the world get
to me that I don’t give room for the good ones!
The content I received then was because I had time to
myself, and I knew how I was going to spend it and when I wake up the next day,
I was excited for the world, I was chanting with all of me, “Prepare world, I
will come to you and you will be changed! “ Where has that gone now that I have
free time in the world as an adult, supposedly at the prime of my life? I am
only distressed that I had so much time in my hands, I no longer had pleasure
in doing things I usually found enjoyable.
Where are the days when all I did for an entire day was fill
a pad of paper with lines and strokes using crayons, with 3 square meals and
most probably an ice cream each day? I weep now for the days when my dad didn’t
tell me he loves me but he bought me ice cream each day when he fetched from
school so I may understand when I am older that he loves me not for what I do
but for who I am. I weep now for the me who was trampled on by life but
wallowed in it, by rote doing things out of necessity, without dreams and with hope
for anything only as something that would always be desired but would never be
within reach. I weep with tears of lament for a child reared with love but left
defenseless by it. I weep now and will weep until the moment I know all the
tears I have wept for it will not be enough to compensate for the joy that
would be mine forever.
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us
an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
2Corinthians 4:17
(NIV)
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