I am Not Asexual or Neuter Contrary to Popular Belief

17 December 2012

My friend Gab told me that she is worried that I would end up a spinster. I wouldn’t want that to happen. If destiny was something I could plead to, please hear me out, don’t let that be. But that doesn’t mean that I would grab on immediately the first man who proposes or shows interest in me. I cleared myself out to Gab, if I have to put myself down or to not be myself just so I can keep a man, I’d rather not have him. I would want someone who would love me for who I am not someone who would love me for who I can become according to his wants.

I am nervous as well about that. The only male person I knew had a crush on me was back in elementary, my classmate Kervin. In high school, well really, I didn’t give it priority and I also wasn’t into making myself physically tempting so I guess I didn’t have any admirers then. Even in college there was no one. I never had suitors or admirers. My sister Sam, she’s seven years younger than I am but she passed through this first. She already had an admirer.

Wow! From what she says, having an admirer made her feel more sure of herself. It was an assertion that she is beautiful and lovable. We keep on telling her that but she discounts it since she thinks we would always be telling her that because we are family.

But hey, not all families support completely their members, telling them that they are handsome or beautiful or that they are lovable. These vital points are usually not talked about in daily life among families. They are supposedly something to be assumed from actions and devotion. But my sister is young. And she wants these matters verbalized. She’s the type who needs verbal and physical stroking. When she asks you if you love her, you should answer her directly and not evade it or get irritated.

Why wouldn’t our mother get irritated, she’s given up her life in service to her family in all manners a person could that she has obliterated herself in the processes and still my sister wants to hear from her that she loves her.  I keep marveling at that. Where does she get the energy and the inspiration to will the welfare of her family to be good? Why isn’t she drained out? We as older children show appreciation and affection less now. But she manages such degree of self-sacrifice. Where does she get that pure sense of commitment? It does not wane or give out or get holidays. It is always there and it is very much uncompensated and unappreciated. On my own, I know I do not want too much attention but I demand appreciation in exchange for something I worked hard on. If I weren’t appreciated at all I would burn down and sabotage everything with resentment build-up. Hence brigada 7, my formal public apology to my fieldwork team mates for my misdemeanors and my vigilance against brewing resentment in Resentment Kill Off.

Having an admirer that continues to like you even when you purposely show your bad side and you know deep inside you that you are not at all that lovable asserts her. She is a very physical person. To Sam, when she asks for hugs, she is in dire need for them. When she wants to kiss or to be kissed, she really needs it, like air t breathe in. The action somehow settles out or formalizes the idea for her. When I was still in high school I always rejected her when she asks for these needs to be met because I did not need it that much so I did not understand what it means to her. But I understand her now. And I am very much proud with how she handles herself. Though she is vulnerable to admiration, she did not easily give in to her suitor. She was able to hold on to her priorities. I really admire her for that. She’s way stronger than I thought her to be. I am torn between being proud that she turned out so well and being sentimental because she’s no longer the little girl I used to take care of.

My little girl has now grown up into a very wonderful lady. And I am left out on that aspect, barely a novice, only someone on the sidelines - a spectator. Recently, when I get reactions from other people, usually casual strangers, assuming that I already have a boyfriend, I am elated. Wow, I actually look now like someone who is in a romantic relationship! So I feel encouraged that it is possible for me to not end up alone because people other than myself perceive that a male person would actually like me.

I do think that I am lovable, just not attractive. Those are different things. I also had this idea before that it is impossible for someone to dislike me. I was shattered when that was disproved. On that same field work, my group mate in brigada 7, foremost singled me out even without prior engagement with me. Those baseless assumptions must’ve worked out on me. I made it a self-fulfilling prophecy that we ended up not only sour but stale.

So now that I am 21, I am back to those questions again especially when I had a crush recently and I’ve strayed too far. I was already wondering in my mind how we would find time to have dates because he is a doctor and I am convinced doctors are busy people. I was wondering if I could keep up in that relationship. That’s way fast for me. I just met the person and talked to him for less than an hour about non-romantic things then that night I did not sleep until it was already morning thinking of him. It’s terribly not natural for me to treat a person that way. It bothers me. At this point, I am looking for myself somewhere inside and now this?

I was praying to the Lord to help me. I was alarmed. That instance is not categorized as temptation, there is nothing wrong at all in feeling love for others but I am not ready yet, I am afraid I’ll be acting foolishly. I pray that the Lord instruct me and guide me. My heart does not love Him completely yet and now someone happens to meet me at a certain day and it’s as if my heart leapt out of me to be his. He wasn’t even asking for my heart at all. I term that unfair. God loves me immensely, greater than all the love in the world combined is His love for me and I cannot yet love Him utterly then I just let another person get away with my heart at his mercy. No, I know I cannot let that be.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.

Psalm 32:8

I do not mean by that that I would have to love the Lord completely before I commit into loving another person romantically. If I were to do that, I might very well be dead and I have not yet learned to love the Lord enough. I know at that time, even when I do not love Him the way He deserved to from me, His grace would meet me and make my lacking love complete. Still, that would equate to my being a spinster. So I am not at all requiring myself to a creed of blessed singleness. I will learn to love the Lord as I am growing in love with another person. I just have to do something about this infatuation. Yes. That would be an extreme expression of my infatuation. It falls short of being considered love at first sight.

And as I’ve said the other time when I unexpectedly won the raffle (Breaking Custom), I am leaving some doors closed but unbolted and unlocked. Of course I am willing to welcome love. I am getting a bit impatient for it to arrive especially lately that I felt so alone but I would not rush it out. Love, like everything else has its time. (Also read, The Young One’s Vision of Love)