Leaps of Thought Towards End-Goal

12 January 2011

i don't ever want to regret any minute that i have ever lived. i was thinking earlier, write and write until inspiration becomes spent out. my stimulating patterns are  still unpredictable, I don’t even know what triggers it. i have lived life before as a youth, a teen filled with energy, vitality, anticipation. i don't want to let myself end up like i am now -  tired of living- even if i don't have any reason to be. i don't want to spend time thinking about the same things over and over again. i don't want to live as if I'm tired of living. Lord, let me live life with a constant, indelible grin on my face. though i have always only thought of how i  would present myself to others or please myself or act for personal gains, i still believe in You, not that i said it to credit myself, but to give praise to you since I may not be of any benefit to You; how could I be an asset to you? You see me in a very different way, You would never give up on me and so here i am, still with you. You are the secret to my faith. You make it strong and sustain it that i can live life with hope, thankfulness and appreciation of all the beauty in the world.

with what i do, it really would be tiresome and monotonous to live since i have set myself to live a pattern that is the same for every single day - do the same things over and over again, think the same thoughts to the point that you don't even need to consciously think of them but recite them by rote instead. i have decided to live my life to the full. i know i can because You are my father. never would i be unloved or forsaken anymore. i will live forever in love, because You are my God. I do pray that I live in wonder, awe and amazement. I will live each day differently. thank You for changing me. i pray that i stay in You, desiring for my heart beat to be the same as Yours, not being bothered about my desires since they are the same as Your perfect will. You have given me everything i'll ever need. You want me to live in a conducive environment and everyday you have given opportunities for growth. i do understand now that no matter what I desire, if it not be enlightened by Your radiance or if it does not cause You to smile, it will amount to nothing. Life is not a conundrum, those we call uncertainties are surprises that will always cause us to change for the better.

i have carried on in my mind since college that i have to be this and that and do this and all those. i have lost faith. it is faith that makes me want to do the utmost efforts for my endeavors without concentrating too much on how to make things works but on actually making them happen. that's the difference. they say that life should be lived this and that certain way for us to experience the long full life, i have been like that before, constantly creating, changing and imagining. all i do now in college is to copy and copy - study this and memorize that, understand them all to the point that I even entertain the idea that I would never ever forget them. I had always been worried lately of how I am to sustain my life that I forget to live it. so many time has passed wherein I didn’t enjoy my life. I don’t mean by that that I already espouse the idea that the quality of life depends on the amount of fun we experienced in it.

I have lived long enough to experience how it is to live on the truths that others present to you and to not decide at all since the facts are not yet complete. That was my justification for not deciding about anything at all, on not having an opinion on anything unless it becomes inevitable.

Anyway I already want to live: To not just live it but to enliven it by sharing it with others and by spending it on something helpful and worthwhile. Enough of accumulating, I am to create. It is by creating after all that I provide proof of my existence. Once there was a young girl..

I am asked to write few words about crystal. I want it to be uplifting and inspiring. I want her to enjoy what I would write for her because she deserves it. years after college I want her to read it and feel not the hardships of life as it is now slowly being presented on us, with lag periods and many disappointments that cause us to tire from expecting that something new, fantastic and spectacular will happen since we have already seen it all. I want her to be transported to the time when the entire world was before us and when we were eager and convinced that we will conquer it. but I don’t want it to have a bad after taste like, “Yeah, I was like that before.” I want her to go, “Yeah, I have been like this before. Surely I can keep it this way (for the eagerness, confidence and perseverance),” or “Aha! This reminds me that I could revive this part of me.” I want to pass on her my intent of making her feel that every day is new, there is nothing else comparable to it. that though we have already witnessed countless mornings, each morning is different from the last. It is a promise of renewal and hope – everything is made new. How would I begin that then?

When I think of crystal,

I remember her most for her persistence. She appears a person who does not seem to think very highly of herself compared to other colleagues. When she studies, she does so for the sake of learning and she insists on finding out the answers for her questions. After all, being able to come up with intelligent questions are of no value unless we take action to know the answers. She is also not afraid to make mistakes before people or to be proven wrong in what she believes is right. When she becomes convinced that her beliefs are wrong upon discussion, she acknowledges them and adopts the new belief. She is responsible and accomplishes whatever should be done no matter how distasteful it might be initially presented. She keeps herself aware of her tasks and fulfills them with cheer. Her determination, willingness to learn and open mindedness is commendable and refreshes me to imbibe the youth spirit that says: The entire world is before me. I am eager and convinced that I will conquer it.

I know that she has had her fill of disappointments but those did not make her stop from pursuing life as she knows it should. It is her resiliency and her inquisitiveness (reflects the natural tendency to exercise critical thinking) that makes her EXTRA attractive.