Huling Pahimakas

6 March 2011

I’m actually struggling to put energy back in my system and to throw away lethargy - the easy way around-but the world seems to do otherwise and I can’t give up, no not me, ever. It’s tiring. They want me to be tired, how can I be when I’m already tired? Are there levels to being tired? Isn’t tired a state with no levels? But I can’t give up. I always have to get better and come back fresher. The Lord is my God, how can this bring me down?

I’m tired of what? Of being accused of something I didn’t do. Of being accused under facts from ‘authorities’. Of being accused under assumed facts. Of being accused though I don’t have the slightest intention at all to be charged except for the fact that I was there. This is all so tiring. What’s the use then of my being good or at least trying to be good all this time? But I won’t give up. It is not for nothing.

Why I do not defend my case:

1.       No matter what I say, it no longer reaches anyone who has a say on the issue so there’s no point in my doing so.

2.       I have already been incriminated without evidence, no word I say can disprove what all the piyon and healer people say, what with their credibility and the consistency of their reports. And besides, it is most likely that they be believed than me. Who am I after all but a person who all circumstantial evidence points to. So I don’t blame anyone, even those who convince others that I am the culprit. If it was not me, given the same “evidences” I would’ve thought the same too. It is so easy to judge, especially if there’s nothing holding you back from doing so.

3.       See, I was there during the incident of loss and I tried finding the missing thing to no avail.

4.       And now it has become a full blown issue. My name at stake, my name alongside the word thief. And I can do nothing but watch. I tried to reason.

Point1. Intentions to take thing. Yes I may be poor but I do not steal. My parents taught me not to steal.

Point2: I am a kleptomaniac? If I am I should’ve done it everytime. It’s a disease, it can’t be helped. Everywhere I go, every place I go to, any person I meet, I must be stealing something from them.

Point3: Judgment to hold on to keeping thing. Is that thing really that valuable for me to keep it in exchange of my name? Is it worth the loss of the trust of my relatives? Is it worth the loss of all the good they know about me? Is a black prada purse and it’s document and euros worth that much? Worth that much for the entire family to experience hell? Will I exchange the unity of the family I have for something like that? Will it be worth all this trouble and pain? Is it?

Point4: I have no name to protect now and the issue has grown so big. Larger and larger than I already am. Is there any use for me if I really took it or kept it to keep on holding on to it after all the trouble and pain it is continuously causing me? If I really took it, I would’ve given it up immediately after I knew that someone knew I took it, the moment that nanay san juan told me that the piyon person said it was me.

5.       I myself can’t understand why it has happened. Why all “evidence” point against me. After nanay sj told me that, I thought immediately why it came out like that. Did I really take it? I tried to recall that day over and over again. I haven’t seen at all anything like that missing article. How come the readings of the piyon people always say it’s me? I then started to doubt myself. What a very wrong move! So I reclaimed my trust in myself again. If no one believes in me, if no one upholds my innocence, I cannot let it be, I at least have to stand by myself. I know I didn’t take or keep it so I have no reason to doubt myself. And so here I am now. I can’t do anything else. I have not taken or kept the missing thing. I tried desperately to find it even in the most impossible places in the vicinity. I cannot do so on my own, I’ll be brought to more doubt. I have asked the help of witnesses but it gave birth to further dismaying talk: that I cried and can’t look straight because I’m guilty. I’m so sad for the one who owns the missing thing and for myself. This is how it is to be accused and to not be able to do anything about it.

I have retired from defending my case because no matter what I say or do is interpreted in a way that would convict me more as the culprit in their minds.  I no longer have or can do anything about this. Nothing more but pray. No one can save me from this unless the missing thing is found and I know that even if they find it, my name would not be cleared from the charges. But I no longer care about my name. It’s already marred. There’s no way I could clean it up. All I want is for them to find it so that this hell will end and all of us will be relieved. This has put so much stress to all of us, tearing us apart. When will this end? I have no one to ask it from, no one who has the answer to this puzzle, no one else but the power unseen to whom I entrust all these. I have no other defense, no one else to put my trust on. No one else but the One. Even if I lose all trust in myself, the One will not lose faith in me, the one will not abandon me as promised, the One kept on sustaining me with grace until now. What consoles me most is that I know that all this is not for nothing. There’s a purpose for all this. I no longer care the pain that I feel for having those that I love turn against me for something I didn’t even do; that the people I believe in and seek approval from no longer believes in me because of a prada purse, documents and euros. I no longer care. What I care for is that I be able to still love, give the perfect love to anyone who comes close by whether they get to feel it or not; respond to it or deny it. I’ve never been through anything like this. I no longer want to cry for this same topic. But I still do. I can’t stop myself, because it feels good to cry.