Finding the Miser

10 December 2012

The human mind and its precepts are amazing. The brain itself anatomically speaks of the complexity of humans. I cannot blame myself for having twisted ideals into monstrous forms; the mind itself is convoluted and crammed in a small space.

Yes, the logic of living within meager expenses is practical and helpful. But having poverty as a mindset, an off-shoot that grew out unchecked, is wrong. It fertilizes the idea that one would never have enough. It would lead to a false state of contentment wherein one could be content with what one has, appreciating it only to have longings within one’s heart for something perceived as better but could never be attained. That type of satisfaction does not guarantee not wanting anything else than what one has.

The limits set on by economic status are large in scope. I never thought it was that encompassing if not for actual experience. I knew that it is influential but the settling of that fact wasn’t as effective as that which was learned in reality. One would have to shape ones’ entire life according to it and somehow dictated by it. I would’ve refuted that. I would’ve worked to not let finances get in my way of life but I didn’t; I was consumed and lived in the tenets of financial deprivation. I was Cinderella’s step sisters, cutting off heel and toe to make the shoe fit.

If not for a robot necklace, it would be lost to me that I was way deep into that muck of poverty ascribing and self-asserted loss of self-esteem, freedom and power.

Yesterday, Gab and I were busy checking out accessories. We were looking for a long necklace with a simple, statement pendant. I was looking out for her. It was she who wanted one. I ended up wanting one for myself as well. Then we were out of Robinson’s Place Manila. By the sidewalk on P.Gil, I was instantly into this necklace with a metal robot with sparkly eyes and slightly movable arms and legs. I bought it though it wasn’t a necessity. It costs Php 50. I bought it at once because I knew I wanted it. But with that in my hand, I thought I was giving Gab bad feelings. It was she who was looking out for a necklace but I got one that interested her for myself. I felt that she felt cheated because she wanted to have it but I ended up owning it. I was deep in thought if I would give it to her or keep it to myself. So I was quiet and surely I appeared distraught. I lied to her and said that I don’t know if I should have the item for myself. She even offered to buy it out for me. I kept on thinking that she was having it hard because I got it. Then she kept on warding me off the bad feeling I have, not knowing that the actual trigger of it was my guilt for getting the item for myself even if my friend wanted it. She thought my qualms were about having to spend for myself. Then she expounded that I was like that. That I was pinching on my peso coins tightly and hate parting with them. That’s when it struck me. I am a first-degree miser.

She pressed on by saying that I should reward myself sometimes and that well, what I’m losing is just money; I can always earn it back. In my mind I added, but the joy that comes with being able to treat oneself cannot always present itself so take the opportunity when it comes. You shouldn’t wait for other people to treat you well before you get to experience those wonderful things.

I rarely treated myself out to any luxury or extravagance. I felt awkward with it. the constraints on spending I have set also stifled my social skills and adeptness I become uncomfortable with attention especially when I start sensing that I’m already receiving too much of it. I rather I be given the same as everyone else. But I demand appreciation for what I have done. Resentments begin from my perception of my unnoticed long-suffering. I have denied myself too much and taken on responsibilities that were likely unfavorable for anyone. So I became older than my time.

That brings me back to what my parents always said when they were always letting us have the choice parts in food. They always denied themselves from those because they already had their fill, that’s what they said. What a beautiful reply! Us, the children wouldn’t feel bothered that we were removing from our parents their opportunity to enjoy that food.

What I did on my own was to deny myself everything not necessary and consider everything else luxuries, much like a puritan. Even in working, I am like that, doing things that have to be accomplished or fixing on everything that doesn’t appear right for me. So I grow resentful when I am unappreciated for doing things that I did because it was right even if I didn’t want to do it. I was always of the idea that I am already on the edge for my martyrdom and one little push would cause my patience to erupt into seething anger. I expected others to not only commend me for working but to work as well as I do because I set an example for them. I always end up sensing I was downplayed and cheated so I resent those people who work with me who do not level up their efforts. How would I fare with that in real professional, office-based life? That would be a catastrophe.

A double learning experience that was. I realized the uptight me that was functioning every time which I was unaware of. It opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself by that self-imposed delayed gratification. I was brewing discontent and envy and false condemnation on everyone by prejudice. It disrupted my wonder and amazement for all things, my open-mindedness for experience , any relationship with new people and my excitement for life in general. I was living as if I had experienced life twice over and not found any amount of joy in it. I am not in retirement age yet to be of that thinking. I am no old person who waits for life to be taken away. No! I am making myself senile and decrepit before my time. That embittered manner of thought is the mindset of the old. I choose to be like the old people who aged gracefully; always filled with zeal for what tomorrow may bring and what they may create and give out to the world for each moment.