Resentment Kill Off

9 December 2012

Resentment Kill Off

Today is my day, the day I learn about myself.

Yesterday, December 8, I decided to meet up with my friend and long-time roommate, Gab.

We met to see the film QWERTY on SM’s last free movie day. Our tickets were booked at SM Sta. Mesa. The movie was at 7pm. We arranged to meet by 5pm. At about 2pm, she said, she was bathing to be on her way.  I proceeded with what I was busy with, work.

My part time work involves reading slides to determine their Plasmodium parasite count, for the thesis of med students. I went on from A1-F2. Then decided that I should be preparing myself too because she’ll be almost here any minute now.

After preparing, I was out waiting. It was already past 4 then. She said, she’ll be arriving at Nakpil cor Taft so I waited by PWU from P.Gil cor Taft 7eleven where I was waiting. A little later, she told me she’ll be taking longer. With the company of Born to Win, I waited until it was past five. That was when she informed me via SMS that the jeep stops in front of 7eleven Nakpil cor Leon Guinto. Ok. I was already looking greasy as reflected by my handy rectangular mirror. I thought that if I had known earlier, I would’ve stayed there in 7eleven and not out there in the open, exposed to Taft Saturday pollution. I’m hungry also so I got the Creamy Cheese Big Bite variant.

Chomping almost to the last of the Big Bite, the still cold, not thoroughly steamed, hotdog in its bun with mustard and mayo dripping, she arrived. Finally! Even if I waited longer than I expected and I could count that time as lost and non-productive when I could’ve stayed longer at home to finish more slides, I wasn’t resentful.

I’m careful about resentments lately. I’ve been offended by my “bosses”, the med students seemed to enslave me. I believed they were expecting me to have done something I know wasn’t already my responsibility and that they were somehow blaming me for it even when someone told me that my service to them was a mild charity case, that I am in the losing end of the deal. I didn’t dwell on that at first because I was also interested in being part of the study itself and it would give me something to pass my time with while I await the second level screening. The pay was somehow a bonus. But on that moment as well, I started to realize that they’ve already been asking to me too much than what was agreed upon. I have to remind them of the limits of the agreement because I feel that I am already being encroached as my part time job already wanted to be upgraded to a fulltime occupation with their demands.

I owe you honesty.  I am telling you everything now to get rid of any near-forming resentment so please read on.

I have agreed to COUNT PARASITES from about 50 slides for Php 250 each day. It also includesSTAINING SMEARS. I have only agreed with those two obligations as the duties involved in this PART-TIME JOB. I also asked for additional Php30 as electricity charge per day, making my total pay Php280 per day.

I was not informed that I was to report the daily counts to M. Ellen as well. So I didn’t. You shouldn’t expect me to do so. I believe that it’s your duty to consult with her. I was only told to email the count each day before I receive the new set of smears.

The attachment reflects that I have worked

November 26 on 49 slides. That same day, Aya paid me 230Php. So you owe me for that day Php50.

November 27 on 31 slides. I still claim to receive full pay for this day since it’s already more than half of the agreed upon 50 slides per day.

November 30 and December 2-3 at 5 slides per day. That would be 3 days. Days ago I said I wouldn’t get money for those. Incidents made me change my mind now. On the average, my labor costs about 5Php per slide and the electricity consumption would be at 0.6Php per slide. 5 slides multiplied by 3 days is 15 slides. 15 slides at 5.60Php is 84Php.

December 4 - December 6 at 53 slides per day

I received a total of 1120(for Dec 3,4,5,6)+230(for Nov 26)=1350. You have an outstanding balance of 50(Nov 26 balance)+280(Nov 27 payment)+84(for Nov30 & Dec 2-3)=414Php as of December 6. I have no pay yet for today, December 7.I hope this is clear.

I also want to remind you that I understood that our agreement does not involve making smears. That is already a different matter. And, you are doing better now with your smears. J Please keep it up. It takes time to make it right. Those who don’t know how to make it properly should practice. I reserve my right to not count from smears that are too thick or are difficult to read.

From now on as well, I will only meet with you once each day to collect the slides and return the last set of slides I read. Only for that reason alone, duty-wise, will I meet up (not to present results to M. Ellen or to make smears or to fix smears or for whatever else you do for your thesis). However, I am willing to bring slides to M. Ellen for cross-checking.

Since I am no expert at this, do not expect my counts to be perfect as I do not expect perfect smears even if I deserve to read from perfect ones. I assure you that I am working on getting accurate parasitemia counts in time to meet your set deadline. Whatever reports I give you, I did not come up by magic but by visual slavery; I want your thesis to go on successfully.

If you find my services to be non-satisfactory, or if you do not agree to meet with the demands I mentioned above from this day on, find another person who will agree to meet with your terms under the same conditions then tell me you no longer need me for this. i have to be this honest. i owe you this much.

I learned from the past that resentments should not be kept within, they have their own lives and harboring them inside instead of voicing them out gives them greater stronghold to disarray your pattern of reaction and behavior. So I told them what I meant. And wow, I was relieved that by past 11pm I’ve been looking for Ministop vanilla Sundae which ended up with me buying a Cornetto white chocolate ice cream cone. I am of the belief that speaking of resentments to the person who offended you would only cause undue discord in the relationship. Sending out that email was an accomplishment for me because I rarely instigate conflict purposely. In fact I avoid it. But that day was a day of change for me. Resentments should be addressed and dealt with immediately. And I am rewarding myself with ice cream. I slept fulfilled that night. The next day, I was being nagged in the head that I shouldnt’ve asserted myself; that it was not assertion but rebellion and greed already for I was asking extra pay and setting conditions to my convenience. Even if that voice kept on telling me I did wrong, though I felt guilty, I still am warily consenting my previous action.

That long-time waiting day, I had no resentments being on Taft for more than an hour for someone who will not arrive at that street. It is an experience still, to have Taft Avenue as your personal lobby. We went on to P.Gil, to the PGH branch of Jollibee, she’ll be having her meal but they have no fries so we decided to go to Jollibee times Plaza where Gab works as a cashier. She treated me to sundae with brownies and Yum TLC, without the Coke. Before that I was going around to get my Happy Plus Card loaded for the extra points I would get. But all of HPC systems in Times Plaza Jollibee, Chowking and Greenwich were offline. So much for the so called benefits of owning HPC! Hear that Jollibee? Fix your system! Do not give us anymore false promises about the HPC! You said it was to benefit us; you only gave me an argumentative mood! Make available loading of the HPC at all times or refund! Nowadays, people, even companies do not keep their word. They either fail to meet them or go beyond them, whichever benefits them more. But what I said isn’t generalizing. I am merely citing the observation from my previous experiences.

Then we waited by Lawton for a bus ride as Gab kept on telling me about the film HIV. Helen (or is it Helga?), Ivy and Vi with Jake Cuenca as the leading actor who plays as the director interested in filming about real life HIV positive persons. I would no longer tell of the story for you to find out. The bus was crammed into standing room.we were already past mendiola when both Gab and I had seats.

At the theater, Cinema 1, we arrived just in time before the start of the film. Earlier, I was already being wary that we were missing the movie we were supposed to watch. That’s how goal-oriented I am. Yuck, I lack spontaneity! I was much surprised that I actually was a bit bothered about not seeing the movie in full when the main purpose of that activity is being with Gab. Am I that much of a non-human person already? So much in the to-dos and should bes than in the moment or in achieving the great goal? Though that wariness was easily forgotten, I still am ashamed that I thought of missing the movie a dilemma than just plainly thinking that we might not catch it. They’re different. I already am tuned into making problems out of anything. That’s bad and bothersome.

QWERTY itself was a breather. I was bored of waiting, being used to the fast-paced action-packed blast by blast sequence of scenes and change of scenery. But its artfulness is not lost to me. Again, I am alarmed of my reactions. I had allowed myself to be so conditioned that it already narrowed my thinking. Good thing I was still receptive enough and patient in paying attention though I kept on complaining about the progress of scenes. QWERTY was shot bleakly, cleanly and clearly while maintaining the entire film in the mist. Unlike commercial Filipino films, by that I meant those geared on earning, everything has been set out to you on the silver platter of the screen. One way or another, you get to know how the characters really felt or what their thought are. Watching QWERTY is like simply watching snippets of a person’s life as a policeman. It left so much questions on my head. Being a black and white film, (that made me wonder do black and white films of before actually work like that? Without much exposition until the end? Ah yes, I remember, Nora’s film, Bona. The audience does not have the privilege to be completely privy to the protagonist’s emotions and motives. We were only supposed to watch them and surmise from it. but even then, Bona is more close ended than QWERTY.) it was still able to build so much suspense for me especially on those scenes where Joem and his brother had to pass through this narrow, dimly lit alleyway between two continuous walls by night and the flickering of the restroom light in the precinct where Joem works for.

The main hanging question left in mind was if Joem really was responsible for the torture caught on video. Clues do not all converge to make up a decision. The stain on Joem’s uniform alluded to by his mother the next morning which he said was only mechado stain from his despedida which might actually be evidence that he tortured the suspect as shown in the video. But that is not conclusive evidence. More circumstantial evidence is his distress on making the police report the night before, at the beginning of the film, the footage which shows the police involved to be acting and speaking the way Joem does even in the dark, smoking a cigarette, how it was his brother who uploaded the video from Joem's cell phone. It was contradicted by how he was (he appeared to me) indignant that the chief of the precinct told him he was to shoulder the responsibility for the torture footage or maybe that expression was again, a look of guilt and being caught red-handed. How he was protective of the minor suspect, how angry he appeared when he was holding that minor’s ice pick which was supposed to stab at him but was foiled when they were able to catch up on him after running in a Circle of Fun (how appropriately placed I daresay, it was funny, seeing them running around after the minor through the Circle of Fun theme park). He looked maniacal enough to stab someone if not for his deliberate control over himself.  His partner or the minor, I have no way of telling. But his face had that look that he was ruthless and capable of killing beyond reason. This was evened out by his responsiveness to his duty that even at home he was maintaining peace and order and how he always prioritizes his responsibilities as a cop at the expense of missing out on his relationship with his girlfriend. Then the way his duty partner treated the minor was a bit insinuating that that angry cop might’ve been the actual cop in the video, acting like Joem and that that cop was backed up by the chief of police because Joem was an upright policeman, he can’t even incriminate with his report the minor for something he was justified enough to do. Besides, it was okay for Joem to carry the brunt of the scandal since he was leaving the police force anyway. Then how the chief of police alluded that sometimes, people are willing to do anything to have their names cleared out and the chief himself accepting bribe and being seen by Joem. First shot at the beginning showed he was distressed with the police report he was about to make, he already had a scar then by his temple that looks the same as the ice pick’s abrasion shown later even the flickering bathroom light scene was somehow repeated but not exactly the same as it was first shown. So that mixes things up. I don’t know which police report the first part was referring to, his last police report where all he typed was QWERTY or the police report the day before the incident he was told he was to be charged guilty as the police in the video?